I love it when I read articles that make it sound so simple to solve relationship concerns. In many cases, I do exactly what they say but have not met a woman who means it, for real. So here's one for your consideration entitled Dating insights from the opposite sex, and I will summarize the points.
1. Keep things real
Basically this means, be honest, be true, and acknowledge that life is what it is.
“The best thing my friend Kevin ever told me is that it’s very important to do ‘everyday life’ things with my date early on. Instead of always having plans (like going to dinner or the theater), just have a day of doing errands or going to the grocery store. You’ll learn quickly whether he is a helpful guy or not.”
— Jill, 42, managing director of an asset-management firm, Litchfield, CT
What Jill says is actually very insightful. If you can enjoy one another's company taking care of business, you'll get along better in the long run. After all, when you settle down to the business of making a life together, there are chores, obligations, and bills that need your attention, not just the romance.
2. Let chemistry guide you
So the last date on which I went just didn't excite me much. Not that I was expecting a new star in the heavens or fireworks at least, but there just wasn't anything special that inspired me to pursue it any further.
“Nancy’s motto is, ‘If you don’t feel it, don’t fake it.’ When it’s right, it’s right, she always tells me, and if there’s no chemistry, you just need to accept it and move forward.”
— Bryan, 38, portfolio manager, Dorchester, MA
When it's time to move forward, you'll know. If you don't get it, no matter how much you may want to force it or hope that they will grow to love you, I haven't ever seen that work out. It's more a long wait for a train that won't come.
3. Maintain some perspective
A 'smart' match isn't one that's good for social, economic, or familial status. It really comes down to values. I'll use both quotes on this one because I like them.
“Jim says to ask yourself: Does this person value the same things you value? Do you want similar things out of life? At the end of the day, that’s what counts.”
— Audrey, 31, writer, Washington, D.C.
I meet lots of really fine young ladies. However, I hate meeting people just at random, because you don't know about their core. You can get attached to their anatomy or their personality and find out they lack the morals and values to back up longevity with yours. Perhaps that's why I keep insisting on the Friends First Theorem, but it hasn't worked out for me yet.
“Audrey reminds me that you need to give your dates the benefit of the doubt. It’s very easy when something comes up to just assume the worst about the other person, but try turning that around and assuming the best instead.”
— Jim, 32, physical therapist, De Forest, WI
I really love that last part. With people you really love, you assume the best and doubt the rest. It's not normal, but you often get hurt jumping to conclusions.
4. Take charge of your own love life
Be you. Do what you do. When Dr. Pepper used that as their slogan, it struck a chord with me. People appear to be at ease with themselves in their element. Go places where you are happy, and people will see you happy because you are doing something you love. Since they are also doing something they love, you will synergize energetically, and you have a better chance at making true connection in common elements. Above all, be yourself.
“Patrick always says you should change your scenery by going to different places. If you want to find somebody you’re compatible with, go to a place where you can be yourself, relax and have fun.”
— Sheila, 25, magazine editor, River Vale, NJ
I like the next quote. I don't like always being in charge, but in the absence of other decisions, I will make a plan of attack. I know what I feel, and it doesn't change by waiting a few days or going to a place I don't like. The other thing is that if you like playing games, you'll attract the kind of people who also like to play games.
“Sheila’s words of wisdom? You just need to be decisive. The little games people play, like waiting three days or five days before you call, forget it. If you’re going to pursue someone, put all that to the side and go for it!”
— Patrick, 25, real-estate manager, Crestwood, NY
5. Keeping things light helps love bloom
Most things work themselves out. Men like to solve problems. Women sometimes think guys don't care if they don't get all charged up and charge in to fix a problem, beat up some jerk, or whatever. Don't sweat the small stuff. Look for someone who bears with your infirmities and with whose infirmities you are also willing to bear.
“My friend Lowell says you need to give things time. I will complain that a guy is being a jerk and he’ll say, ‘Yeah, he is, but give him space. Let things be for a bit, and they’ll probably work themselves out.’ That advice has served me well!”
— Allegra, 25, public relations director, New York City
And this last thought...yes, you know it's for you. I remember you once told me, "Nobody makes me laugh as much as you." Maybe someday someone else will. Laughter keeps you young, healthy, and engaged in an honest effort to make things work.
“The best advice Allegra gave me is to find someone who makes me laugh — and make the other person laugh as much as possible, too.”
— Lowell, 26, student, Los Angeles
Wouldn't it be nice if people could actually get together with people who are good matches for them?
1. Keep things real
Basically this means, be honest, be true, and acknowledge that life is what it is.
“The best thing my friend Kevin ever told me is that it’s very important to do ‘everyday life’ things with my date early on. Instead of always having plans (like going to dinner or the theater), just have a day of doing errands or going to the grocery store. You’ll learn quickly whether he is a helpful guy or not.”
— Jill, 42, managing director of an asset-management firm, Litchfield, CT
What Jill says is actually very insightful. If you can enjoy one another's company taking care of business, you'll get along better in the long run. After all, when you settle down to the business of making a life together, there are chores, obligations, and bills that need your attention, not just the romance.
2. Let chemistry guide you
So the last date on which I went just didn't excite me much. Not that I was expecting a new star in the heavens or fireworks at least, but there just wasn't anything special that inspired me to pursue it any further.
“Nancy’s motto is, ‘If you don’t feel it, don’t fake it.’ When it’s right, it’s right, she always tells me, and if there’s no chemistry, you just need to accept it and move forward.”
— Bryan, 38, portfolio manager, Dorchester, MA
When it's time to move forward, you'll know. If you don't get it, no matter how much you may want to force it or hope that they will grow to love you, I haven't ever seen that work out. It's more a long wait for a train that won't come.
3. Maintain some perspective
A 'smart' match isn't one that's good for social, economic, or familial status. It really comes down to values. I'll use both quotes on this one because I like them.
“Jim says to ask yourself: Does this person value the same things you value? Do you want similar things out of life? At the end of the day, that’s what counts.”
— Audrey, 31, writer, Washington, D.C.
I meet lots of really fine young ladies. However, I hate meeting people just at random, because you don't know about their core. You can get attached to their anatomy or their personality and find out they lack the morals and values to back up longevity with yours. Perhaps that's why I keep insisting on the Friends First Theorem, but it hasn't worked out for me yet.
“Audrey reminds me that you need to give your dates the benefit of the doubt. It’s very easy when something comes up to just assume the worst about the other person, but try turning that around and assuming the best instead.”
— Jim, 32, physical therapist, De Forest, WI
I really love that last part. With people you really love, you assume the best and doubt the rest. It's not normal, but you often get hurt jumping to conclusions.
4. Take charge of your own love life
Be you. Do what you do. When Dr. Pepper used that as their slogan, it struck a chord with me. People appear to be at ease with themselves in their element. Go places where you are happy, and people will see you happy because you are doing something you love. Since they are also doing something they love, you will synergize energetically, and you have a better chance at making true connection in common elements. Above all, be yourself.
“Patrick always says you should change your scenery by going to different places. If you want to find somebody you’re compatible with, go to a place where you can be yourself, relax and have fun.”
— Sheila, 25, magazine editor, River Vale, NJ
I like the next quote. I don't like always being in charge, but in the absence of other decisions, I will make a plan of attack. I know what I feel, and it doesn't change by waiting a few days or going to a place I don't like. The other thing is that if you like playing games, you'll attract the kind of people who also like to play games.
“Sheila’s words of wisdom? You just need to be decisive. The little games people play, like waiting three days or five days before you call, forget it. If you’re going to pursue someone, put all that to the side and go for it!”
— Patrick, 25, real-estate manager, Crestwood, NY
5. Keeping things light helps love bloom
Most things work themselves out. Men like to solve problems. Women sometimes think guys don't care if they don't get all charged up and charge in to fix a problem, beat up some jerk, or whatever. Don't sweat the small stuff. Look for someone who bears with your infirmities and with whose infirmities you are also willing to bear.
“My friend Lowell says you need to give things time. I will complain that a guy is being a jerk and he’ll say, ‘Yeah, he is, but give him space. Let things be for a bit, and they’ll probably work themselves out.’ That advice has served me well!”
— Allegra, 25, public relations director, New York City
And this last thought...yes, you know it's for you. I remember you once told me, "Nobody makes me laugh as much as you." Maybe someday someone else will. Laughter keeps you young, healthy, and engaged in an honest effort to make things work.
“The best advice Allegra gave me is to find someone who makes me laugh — and make the other person laugh as much as possible, too.”
— Lowell, 26, student, Los Angeles
Wouldn't it be nice if people could actually get together with people who are good matches for them?
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