Living in the Moment

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People incessantly tell me that my problem is that I don’t enjoy where I am, and maybe you hear the same advice. Most of those people don’t recognize that they’re speaking as someone who already knows how. Most of those people are also people who are surrounded by a significant support network and/or people with a supportive significant other. Most of those people fill their schedules with myriad opportunities to have wonderful moments. Some of us cannot, due to responsibilities at home/work or due to financial restraints imposed willingly or not on our fiduciary outlay. Most of these people seem to talk about living in the moment only after they healed from the pain. The clichés are abundant, rife with logical fallacy, and often insensitive to the circumstances of those to whom they speak. However true or useful their perspective may be, since they come from a position of strength and talk about how they do it AFTER THE FACT, it’s harder for those still in media res to follow suit.

When I first entered high school, the only member of my faith my age was a young boy named Cody. About a year before I got into high school, Cody was hit by a bus and was paralyzed from the waist down. Moments with Cody were hard, because we were never just the two of us together. I was 14, and he required constant care, plus he couldn’t speak and I wasn’t always good at reading lips, so we were often frustrated by an inability to communicate. I tried. Honestly, I don’t think I tried very hard, but for a 14 year old boy, I think my feeble efforts were Herculean and heroic, and Cody’s parents certainly felt that way. When I visited Cody at his house, we talked about things he loved mostly, but they were things about which I was curious. Honestly, I got into stamp collecting because of him. We talked about stamps and stars and volleyball and dating, all of which were actually foreign to me at the time, but they were things about which he knew and was passionate. It’s funny now to think back and realize that all I know about all of those things actually started in Cody’s kitchen. It’s sad to think that a year after we started spending time together Cody died. After the funeral, Cody’s parents gave me something that Cody asked them to give me. He’d had a ring engraved with the initials NGU for Never Give Up, and according to them he wanted me to have it because I never gave up. All of his other friends fled when he could no longer come with them or do anything or even speak, and as arduous as it was to spend time with him, I never had. He had some moments to which he looked forward in his last year because he wasn’t alone.

In summer of 2013, I spent a week in Alaska in the off season. I had some spectacular experiences. On my first day, while waiting for my luggage to catch up with me, I went out to a glacier and just stood there while I watched it melt and stepped out of time. I have no idea how long I was there, because for me time ceased not only to matter but also to exist. I had no schedule, no responsibilities, no companions asking how long we were going to stay or any distractions. However, I pulled myself away from this nearly perfect moment knowing that eventually I’d have to return to “real life” and go back to Anchorage for my luggage, buy food, drive, pay for things, and eventually return to my life, job, and responsibilities in Vegas. I enjoyed being there, but I knew that I could not stay there forever. Eventually I would have to eat, sleep, eliminate, or at least move or, far enough in the future, I’d freeze to death. The worst part of it is that I couldn’t even share it with anyone. Sharing it would have disturbed it, and when some other people showed up and rippled their dissonance into nature’s harmony I reluctantly moved and went back to Anchorage to await my luggage. However, it’s a moment that I would recreate if I could but is so valuable precisely because it cannot be recreated.

As you know if you read what I previously wrote here, my beloved beagle died this May of testicular cancer. What you may not know is that the previous October he fell down the stairs one night and slowly recovered. What you may not know is that I started going home for dinner between work and my night labs to eat dinner with and walk him so that I would know that I spent time with him on days where I spent 12 hours working. Those were some very tender moments. I am not happy that he was injured, but I am happy that as a consequence of his injury we came together and became tight like unto a dish as he recovered from his injury. He was literally in pain. Now, I look back, and the moments were tender because they also reminded me of his impending mortality. I knew that any day he could and would die. I got far more time than I expected, but I went to bed and left for work every day with an extremely heavy heart. On my birthday, after our walk, I sat with him on the front porch outside the door while he gathered up the strength to go inside. We just sat looking at each other; I talked; he panted, and I was just there with him. It was a good moment, and one for which I am glad. I knew based on how hard it was for him to walk and how long it took to rest that he was fading quickly even though I didn’t know how many days remained. That gnawed at the back of my mind through the moment, and it made it difficult to truly enjoy it knowing that he could die at any other moment.

Neal A Maxwell once said that “Moments are the molecules that make up eternity”, and so it’s important that the moments in which you live are as positive and uplifting as possible. As much as we may work toward that end, many moments in our lives are also painful, difficult, and exhausting. Living in the moment is a great mantra that some people find more difficult to apply than to exclaim. Living in the moment is difficult to do alone. Living in the moment is difficult to do when the moments are fleeting. Living in the moment is difficult to do when the moment is painful. Not every moment is fun. Not everyone can fill their days with fun or uplifting moments. I know people who, when I ask how they are doing, respond “I’m currently between trials”, which I know is true even for people who seem optimistic. One of our security guards at work, who is one of the most pleasant people I ever met, spent about four months in a dour, dreary, depressed state after someone close to him died. He’s back to his cheery self now, but in those moments, I felt for him, prayed for him, and reminded him that I was there for him and glad to have him around. My life is filled with good moments. Not every moment is filled, and not every filled moment is good. I may not live in the moment, but I live for those moments and those moments make my life worth living.

Decision Day

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We make decisions every day. Each decision cements one possibility into reality and destroys other venues of opportunity. Around us, other people also make decisions, and sometimes those decisions affect the outcomes of our lives. Today is a day I decided to call Decision Day. It commemorates when, six years ago, a decision was made that changed my life. Unfortunately, it was a decision that was not up to me, but it precipitated other opportunities and led to other decisions with which I am pleased. I don't think anyone's life turns out exactly as they plan, hope, or expect, and it is possible for you to make all the right decisions and still lose. That is not failure; that is life. We are judged in the end not on what happens but on what we decide. Now, most of us like to be judged by our good intentions, but we are not affected by intentions. We are affected by actions, and so the decisions you make put actions in motion and ultimately will determine what you reap in the end.

Many decisions that affect our life are decisions made by others. You don't usually get to pick your parents, your race, your native land, your native tongue, and maybe at least from the getgo you don't get to choose your church, your clothing, or your recreational opportunities. Other people chose these for you, and other people will continue to make choices without your advice, consent, or knowledge throughout your life. Many of these people are politicians; some are more intimately known to you. Six years ago, a woman I cared for deeply decided against a life with me. The decision was never mine. The consequences were. At that crossroad, she decided not to join me. In that moment, despite assurances to the contrary, she killed one potential outcome for our story and replaced it with the one we have today- the one in which I am not even someone that she used to know. Of course, I'm disappointed, but her decisions are not up to me. What I do afterwards is.

When other people make decisions that affect us, all that lies in our power is to decide what to do about it. We can piss and moan like an impotent jerk, but ultimately most of us end up bending over and taking it up the tailpipe. You can get mad. You can get even. You can get up again. You can break down, or you can break through. Of course, setbacks are never fun, and it sucks when someone else closes a door you really wanted to walk through and that held a future that appealed to you. It's not that other potential futures don't appeal; you don't know what they offer, and you know you liked the one denied you. That night six years ago, my beloved beagle decided to dedicate himself to me, and eventually I decided to invest all of my love and concern into him. I don't regret this decision in any way. Of course, my dream life was not to hang out with a dog who eventually went deaf. I had other plans. However, I consider every bit of time, treasure, and attention spent on him to be completely worth it. He came with me on adventures. He comforted me when I had a bad day. He absolutely loved me absolutely. We had an exceptionally good life together over the past six years. He helped me find joy. Maybe it wasn't the joy I originally sought, but I know that we were happy, and I am so grateful that he was there and that we had our time together, because that was amazing.

Unexpected decisions affect our lives. I never planned to have a pet. Ever. I never planned to get close to a dog. Six years ago, he was more of a favorite accouterments to my life than an intimate playmate, confidant and friend. Now, however, I could not imagine my life without my beloved beagle boy of 16 years. I am not happy that this woman chose the way she did, but I'm glad that when she did that he was there and that I chose to love him. I decided today that I will probably get another dog. This is the first time in six years that I'm facing Decision Day without my dog. Sometimes I wonder if the woman was ever worthwhile. As for the dog, I realized that if I'm going to have love and companionship and good memories, it's much more likely with a dog than with another person. My beagle was totally devoted to me. I kept him downstairs because this woman was allergic to dogs, but after she left, he peered around the corner at the top of the stairs one night in 2015 (he was not allowed upstairs), and I invited him over. I have always been glad I made the decision to let him into my life. This decision day, I thank God for providing me with an alternative decision to make and for time and opportunity to choose my dog and then enjoy him for as many years as I did. Even though he died 14 weeks ago today, I still thank God every day for the decisions that brought that dog into my life and eventually brought him into my heart.

Seemingly unimportant decisions (SUDs) abound. We do many small things every minute that we believe to be small. We say pithy things. We don't go places we ought. We go places we know are bad. We engage in bad habits. We decide to befriend strangers. None of these things are as small as we think they are. Some of them transform our lives. At the end of the day, many SUDs become the basis for the future that we build. Each decision entrenches one future possibility and KILLS ALL OTHERS. We excuse many bad decisions as unimportant. "It's my body I'll do what I like. I'm not hurting anyone else". We downplay some good decisions as unimportant. The random letter we sent, the random neighbor we help, and the time spent hiking half a mile with a neice last weekend who thinks you're an awesome uncle. You honestly have no idea how things will play out. All you can do is be honest with yourself about what outcome you truly value and make decisions based on those values. I know that on Decision Day 2013, that woman decided that she valued something more than she valued me. I know that eventually I decided I valued my beagle more than any other person I knew. I know that some small things, some SUDs, cost me quite a bit and that others brought me more joy than I could ever imagine. Today is your Decision Day. What do you truly desire? What do you need to decide to make those things possible in your life? What other venues are there to have that? I'll probably get a dog, not because I prefer dogs to people, but because I know that a dog can bring me joy, and I know that putting my trust in a particular woman left me on a detour but that deciding to get a dog will get me there. He was the best decision I ever made as an adult.

Faith Promoting Stories

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This week, I’ve read two ostensibly faith promoting stories and thought afterwards, “Well, I’m happy for you, but your results don’t apply to my situation”. The authors mean well, and they desire to inspire us by writing about how their faith was rewarded with the blessings for which they strove, hoped, prayed, and waited. Both of them however already arrived in the Promised Land meaning that these stories, as inspirational as they may be, are no longer about faith. You see, if you have faith you hope for things which are not yet seen, which are true. In order to inspire faith, they must talk about things that remain as yet unrealized. Both of these stories feature people who have seen their faith rewarded. In these stories, the stories are told from a position of strength where they ALREADY reaped the rewards of their faith. That’s from a position of KNOWLEDGE. If you know a thing, if you are experiencing it, if you see it, it’s no longer faith, and your inspirational story, as interesting and helpful as it may be, does not actually inspire faith. I don’t know what it inspires, but it cannot inspire faith. You are trying to project your knowledge on me and use knowledge to create faith. That’s not how it works.

Both of them are interesting stories, and I recommend reading these type of stories for the positive messages you can take from them. However, as any rational adult will tell you “past performance does not guarantee future results” and “results may vary”. The scriptures are replete with examples of people who did not EVER get what they wanted, because their decisions put them into places where those outcomes were impossible or because the way they pursued blessings could not deliver. I’m glad that both of these stories ended with happy and healthy relationships, because I know that will continue to help them. However, some of God’s favorite children spent time in longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. Jonah in the whale, Daniel watched believers burned alive in the ovens, Elijah in the wilderness, Abinadi burned to death, Jeremiah imprisoned, Peter crucified, ad infinitum. They did not end up living happily ever after, and they didn’t get the outcomes for which they might have hoped.

In my last congregation, one of the leaders named Todd told me that I was the most faith affirming thing he saw each week. I had no wife, no children, no responsibility, and no friends per se in the congregation, and yet I came almost every week, sang hymns, participated in class, paid my donations, and interfaced with the members. He knew that I had no other incentive to come besides that I believe. He knew that I came because I had FAITH. Many people make different decisions. They remain “faithful” if and only if the blessings continue unabated, and as soon as they dry up, those same people conclude that their faith was in vain. Todd knew I had faith because I kept going even though my faith had not yet delivered the rewards often concomitant with living a faithful life. Moreover, it’s important to remember that just because your faith isn’t rewarded doesn’t mean your faith is poorly placed.

This is precisely the argument made by the devil when he received permission from God to tempt Job. Satan concluded erroneously but as we know what’s true all too well that Job was only faithful because of the many blessings he received and that Job would abandon God if God rescinded His favor and protection. As we know, Job lost everything (except for a few friends who were seriously the worst friends ever in my opinion) but despite the privations, tribulations, and criticism, Job stayed true to God and eventually ended up having his blessings restored and beyond.

All too often, however, we quit when we reach what CS Lewis wrote about in The Screwtape Letters as “a reasonable period of suffering”. We conclude that WE have suffered, endured, and persisted faithfully long enough and that, if God does not bless us with a particular gift by a particular deadline, our faith was in vain or placed in a false god. We project our time line and perspective on a diety, which evinces that we don’t actually believe in something greater than ourselves and that our ‘god’ is located just above our head in the vapid air surrounding us.

The real problem with most of these kinds of stories is the emphasis on the blessing and not on the Mediator. Although both of these stories I read justly ascribe credit to God for helping them through a difficult circumstance, the focus tends to be more in most cases on the destination. When we talk about faith, we talk about faith in the wrong context. We have faith in people, in the rising of the sun, in the progress of the seasons, etc. The principle of faith that we ought to be emphasizing is lost on us because we forget in what we ought to have Faith.

remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall.

Our faith is in a Messiah, a Redeemer, a Savior, in Jesus Christ. The faith we ought be promoting is Faith in Jesus Christ, which sustains us no matter the storm, no matter the privation, and no matter how long we must wait. If you trust in Christ, even if you don’t get blessed, you will not fall.

I attend church each week because I have faith in Christ. I don’t like some of the congregants, and I don’t trust others. Most of them I just don’t know very well. I’m not there for them. I’m not there hoping they’ll hire me, or befriend me or help me repair the roof or give one of their daughters to me to wife. I’m not there to please them, to impress them, or because I owe them allegiance. I am there because I want to show Jesus that I love Him enough to keep His commandments and that I believe that in the end He will be the one who frees me from pain, from sadness, from singleness, and from the shadows of anonymity and insignificance. The real point of the stories that affirm faith is that these people continued to believe in Christ, in God’s promises and in the method God told us He would keep His promises, and not in the outcome of the promises themselves. Our lives are a continual invitation to prepare for, wait on, and participate in the marriage of the Bridegroom of allegorical reference and show whether we truly intend to follow Christ and allow Him to rescue us from death, pain, and sin. They are not talking about their continued faith in Christ. They stop the story usually after the part where they obtained the reason why they decided to put their faith in Christ in the first place.

The kind of faith that sustained the prophets aforementioned was a faith in God’s promises and the life and sacrifice of God’s Son. Jonah was thrown from the whale when he acknowledged God’s desire to forgive. Abinadi testified of Jesus’ birth. Peter refused to deny Christ again and asked to be crucified upside down because he was not worthy. Elijah called down fire from heaven to show the Jews who their true God truly was and that He had power to save them. The prophets wrote nothing save it was to remind people of the reality of and their reliance on a Savior. They preached of Christ, they prophesied of Christ, they rejoiced in Christ, and they wrote according to their prophecy so that all the children of men might know to what source they could look to be saved from the struggles, pains, disappointments, setbacks, and heartbreaks of mortal life. They wanted people to turn to Jesus, to the Messiah, and to rely on Him to be saved, and anyone who shares a faith promoting story does well to remember this.

I have not arrived where I hoped to be. I am not wealthy, renowned, as skinny as I like, or even in communication with anyone I hope might be Mrs. Right. I’m still here though. I still go to church, write on my blog, read my scriptures, kneel in the living room each morning to pray and TRUST GOD. I don’t know if or when He will intervene to change the things I hope to improve, but I know that He will intervene in ways that improve my life. One day, maybe my life will change for the better in one of the ways I hope. One day maybe I’ll heal and have a family and know love beyond that of a beagle.