Doug the Christian

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If you’ve come to my blog for any length of time, you know that I complain a LOT. I find that the world is neither fair nor just. As a consequence of my consternation, my friends who actually know me come to me frequently and suggest that I either find a new Faith or start my own. Well-meaning though their suggestions may be, they ignore certain fundamental principles and ask me to throw away experiences and knowledge I possess in the pursuit of something more fitting. Faith for me isn’t like shopping for shoes, where you find out what the dimensions are and then try things on until you find something comfortable. Years ago I told the first such person to suggest I found “The Church of Thom and Doug” and invite people to join ME that I would not presume to form my own church. You see, I have never been asked, ordained, or called of God to start a church; He’s already done that. No man taketh this honour unto himself save he is called of God as was Aaron. I actually started writing this post on 10 August, almost exactly one week before the leadership of my Faith asked us not to use the nickname for our Faith anymore. Despite the fact that the name of Jesus Christ appears literally in the name of my Faith, on our buildings, on our nametags, and on our literature, all of my life people have considered me to be something other than Christian. If you have ever read anything on this blog for any period of time, you know that, although I might not belong to the Christian Faith with which you identify, and even if you disagree with my opinions, actions, or writings, I’m at least looking for the Christ and trying to serve Him.

Faith isn’t comfortable. From the very earliest times among believers after Jesus returned to His father, members of the church were mockingly called “Christians”. Although that titular nome de plume now unites us in our love, gratitude, and longing for the Savior Christ, at one time, it was used as to deride the “kooks” who listened to Paul, Peter, and the Apostles. Over the ages, God’s people have always been mocked. Elisha was mocked for being bald. David was mocked by Goliath for being small. Joseph was punished by Potiphar’s jealous wife when he rebuffed her invitation to biblically know her. The people laughed at Noah as he built an ark. Even the believers in Israel murmured in the Sinai when they ran out of food and water and exclaimed that it might have been better to remain in bondage in Egypt. In modernity, members of my Faith have been mocked by derisive terms for things we believe. We are in good company. It is natural to lionize what you prefer and paint your challengers in caricature. It is however not Christian to do so. People seem to automatically assume that 1. They know what I believe and that 2. My beliefs are incongruous with theirs even though they have never bothered to find out what I believe. When I invite them to come and see, instead they mock and flee. Very few people with whom I have ever discussed my Faith still even acknowledge my existence. Even women who betimes found me attractive found my religious beliefs to be a deal breaker.

The challenges of faith and the assault on people of faith makes some reticent to declare themselves believers. That’s also not new. Even Simon Peter thrice denied that he knew Jesus. Some of them put on their Faith like a jacket when it’s convenient or treat the dogma like it’s a buffet from which they can take only the parts they personally prefer. The wicked man changes the laws to match his behavior; the righteous man changes his behavior to match the Law. Every religion suffers from the neer-do-wells found on its rolls. We are told not to judge a group by the few dissidents and miscreants, but when someone from a religion does those who lecture us some ill, they find us all guilty by association. Most people don’t like to discuss religion for fear of losing friends as I have. Most people don’t want to be persecuted or prosecuted for having a different faith. The truth is that this is always and will always be the case. Jesus himself taught that (Matt 5:12) ”Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you”. More often than not, when people find out my Faith, they are no longer excited to discuss it with me or open to my opinions and interpretations. As I wrote elsewhere, it is not the message but the messenger with whom they take exception. My testimony and opinion is tainted because I am not of a Faith they acknowledge. That’s common too.

Unfortunately, many people, when challenged, either leave their Faith or abandon faith entirely. I have been challenged too. During my sophomore year of high school, a young man at school a certain classmate of mine we’ll call Richard sought me out at school. He was learned and well spoken. He was a known and powerful member of the debate team. For some reason, he studied Faiths even though he didn’t believe in religion himself. One day, he sought me out with the intent I see clearly now to shake me from my faith. In the course of our conversation, he concluded for those who listened that since I didn’t have clear and cognizant answers it was because there were none. In truth now, I realize that he spent hours, days, or even months preparing his diatribe and then, when I could not answer to a parallel degree of articulation to his satisfaction within seconds declared himself the winner. At the time, all I knew is that when he finished, I had questions I could not answer, so I went to my bishop and I confessed my sins. All of them. I wrote them down on a legal notepad like when I took cookies from the sheet that were for some activity or lying to my brother about who really busted his bicycle. You see, I knew that, if I wanted answers, clarity, and help from God, then I needed to get right by him. Instead, my bishop glanced at the multitudinous pages briefly, then slid the pad back to me and told me he wasn’t worried. He told me that people who have doubts don’t usually repent; they rebel. They conclude that if God doesn’t answer them in full and within a certain time frame that there must not be one or that He must not care. Since that day, I’ve been attacked MANY times, but I have never left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, because He approves of its message. I still have issues, and I still speak out against malversation in leadership, but I remember that the prophets of old were people too, and so as long as there are men in positions of church leadership men will make mistakes, and I should keep in mind that God is as willing to forgive them as He is willing to forgive me. I don’t think I ever came up with proper rebuttals to Richard, but in time I felt ever more powerfully that I was doing God’s work, in harmony with His laws, and a member of a church He recognizes.

Faith isn’t easy. Many members of churches struggle both keeping the Faith as well as explaining it to others. Moreover, many people with whom you worship don’t share your Faith. Some of them come for optics; others come to please their spouse. More than you think are actually adrift, hoping to find answers and feeling they receive none at all. I find it somewhat paradoxical that when people want to learn about my Faith they turn to people who were never members or people who are former members rather than asking a member in good standing. That’s sort of like a potential girlfriend asking my ex-wife for an objective description of me as a potential mate. Even if you do ask a member in good standing, many people of faith are miseducated or undereducated. The only real textbooks for faith are books of scripture, which are often difficult to read and even more difficult to comprehend without inspiration, revelation, and study. Learning about and keeping your Faith requires work.  Living your faith asks you to do something which demands more of you than the world and invites their ridicule. Often you will have to abstain from foods or drink, avoid certain activities at least for certain time periods, offer up your substance to the church or the poor, and sacrifice your weekend for worship and service. Always, you will be asked to consider others before yourself- your wife, your children, your fellow congregants, your community, and your God, which runs contrary to the instinctual inclinations of our species. Constantly, people of no faith wage a frontal assault on your faith, unjustly and illegitimately assailing you for failure to perfectly live a standard they refuse to even attempt. Faith asks you to walk by faith in a world governed by sight, to filter out the voices and elevate your choices. Faith means trusting even when it seems that you’re wrong and sticking fast to your decisions in the face of regular and lasting opposition, trial, and error. Living your belief demands that you prove every minute of every hour of every day that you mean it.

If you attempt to live your faith, be prepared for assaults on it when you either come up short or God appears to. One of my heroes in the Old Testament is Queen Esther. Although she never aspired to the monarchy (her uncle had to convince her to audition to be queen), her position put her into a predicament. When Haaman proposed to slaughter all Jews, Mordecai asked her to appeal to the king for clemency. However, if you went to the king without being asked, the king could kill you. Esther ran the risk of coming up short. She might die no matter what, so Mordecai, knowing this, wrote to her “Who knoweth but that thou hast come into the kingdom for a time such as this?” Ultimately Esther found favor with the king, saved her people, and lived in prosperity for her faithfulness. That’s not always the case. I know that I have come up short because of my Faith. Some women literally tell me they refuse to date me, be my friend, or acknowledge my existence because of my Faith. I suspect that some challenges I face at work, in the community, in academics, in applications, and in other relationships stem from the same bias and bigotry. I have actually been physically beaten because of my Faith. I have been imprisoned. I have been given extra fines/penalties. I am weighed, measured and found wanting. Even among my own congregants, many of them think I come up short for their expectations. I keep trying, because I agree with CS Lewis that “He [God] wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles” (The Screwtape Letters #8).

God appears to come up short in the eyes of many detractors. Far too many people of faith, when they pray and beg and plead and even live worthy of blessings conclude that when the blessings don’t come or don’t come when or how they prefer that there must not be a God. The devil likes to preach “heads I win, tails you lose” and convince people that things that happen would have happened anyway and that failure of events to transpire our way evinces that there is no God. This must have been a problem among early Christians, because Paul wrote to the Hebrews who converted to Christianity: (Heb 10:35-36) “Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompense of reward. For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.” God’s promises are not always swift, but they are certain. Sometimes the test of faith is to wait. I wonder how long Elijah lived by the brook Kidron, how Joshua felt about being one of the only males to make it to Israel after 40 years in the wilderness, or how Samuel’s mom felt when Eli told her that God would grant her petition at the temple after praying so long for a son. I know that Naaman was absolutely furious when the prophet told him to bathe in the Jordan River to cure his leprosy. I know that Gideon wasn’t sure 300 men would be enough to drive back Midian’s army. Imagine the Philistines looking at the boy David chosen as the Jewish champion to fight Goliath. Many times what God does, when He does it, and how He does it makes no sense to us until long after the fact. When you don’t get what you think you deserve the way you think you deserve it, it’s tempting to despair and abandon faith and your Faith. Cast not away therefore your confidence; if it was right to leave Egypt then, it’s still correct that we did so now.

Faith is personal, and so is revelation. Many of my experiences with faith and revelation are deeply personal, so much so that I share them with few people. What God says to me, how I feel about it, and how He feels about me is between Him and me. My state of grace is nobody else’s business but mine and nobody’s to decide but Father God. Faith has however been important to me all my life. From a very young age, my parents taught me about God, encouraged me to pray to Him and helped me desire a relationship with Him. Eventually, I found both reason and opportunity to do so. I first came to feel of God cognizant as a small child. Based on where we were living, I was 8-10 years of age when one day I crawled into the cave beneath the entryway in our split level entry to pour out my soul hoping there was a God to hear me. At the time, I foolishly thought I was alone and unloved; boy how untrue that seems now. I forget exactly how I felt or what I experienced, but from that day to this I have known with surety that there is a God. By the time I was 14, I knew that He approved of my particular Faith. At 18 I went forth to minister and preach in a foreign land. To this day, I see His hand in my life, hear His voice in my mind, speak on His behalf in my vocation, and feel of His approbation when I serve in His stead. I feel as His apostles did after Jesus announced He would no longer literally feed the throngs following Him after which “said Jesus unto the twelve, Will ye also go away? Then Simon Peter answered him, Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life (John 6:67-68)”. Where would I go? Here I find the power and doctrine that keeps my life and keeps it near harmony with God’s will.

God speaks to you in a way you understand. He knows you, and He knows what to say to you that will come across the way that makes sense to you even if other people disagree with your interpretation or think you’re nuts. While serving as a missionary in Austria, Elder Neal Maxwell, one of our apostles, spoke to missionaries about revelation. He told us to stop reading scripture in our mission language and read it in our native tongue because God will speak to you in your native tongue so that there is no misunderstanding. The gift of tongues is for the benefit of other people so that they understand what God would have them hear if you are sent as speaker. I sometimes chuckle at the words that come into my mind when I pray, because my vocabulary varies widely from yours. God likes to use words in my mind that He would probably not use for you because He knows what meaning I associate with them. Words connote and denote different things to different people. That’s why it’s important not only to pray but to listen and then record the promptings, impressions, and thoughts that come. Those are for YOU. He will say different things to other people, because they have different understandings, biases, experiences, perspectives, and needs. Sometimes the counsel is general. More often than not, His messages are catered to you. It’s not like He hits “Reply all” and spams us with exactly the selfsame message. That’s lazy and it’s not evincing of a loving God who knows you.

As the prophets before have written, I invite and entice you to come unto God, learn of Him, and deny yourself of all unrighteousness. Behold, I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the son of God, and the fullness of my intent is that I may persuade all men to come to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and be saved. I spent two years as a younger man witnessing of Him abroad. From time to time I do so here. I invite you to learn about what I believe, because living my beliefs has made me the man I am. If you find anything about it of good report or praiseworthy, come and join us, even if just for a season.

At the end of the day, if your Faith has not brought you to Christ, it matters very little what Faith you adopt. I try not to claim that I’m a paragon, that I’m a good example to follow, or that I have all the answers. If I ever did that, I apologize, because I have need of a Savior just as much as all of you. Sometimes people tell me that I’m hard on myself or critical of myself; I try to be honest on this blog, but I am also intimately familiar with my weaknesses, and so I know I am imperfect. I mean, I know that I’m awesome, and I also know I have much to learn, much to change, and a great deal of growth before I would ever suggest you follow my lead. Honestly, I’m willing to chronicle my tale so that you can learn to be wiser than I. Come and let us learn of Him together, worship Him with true intent, and be open to His direction and correction. I may not have all the answers, but I know who does. I challenge you to ask God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not to seek truth, guidance, and correction from Him, without bias or ulterior motive. I promise you that if you diligently seek Him, you will find peace in this life and eternal happiness in the life to come.

My name is Doug, and I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Inspiring Stories

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Over the past two weeks, I've seen at least four different versions of a story touting the inspiration known as "Sean" who saved $250,000 for retirement by the age of 28. People talk about amazing examples in the hope of inspiring others, to help them think about what could be. The trouble with those examples more often than not lies in the fact that they represent outliers, that they’re not about normal people or normal circumstances or normal outcomes. For better or worse, I like to give people an honest assessment. When students ask about potential employment, I tell them that the range of salaries is more of a guideline and that, no matter how rosy the projections, they should manage expectations and plan to earn near the bottom of the range for most of their career. On the mountain when I meet hikers, I tell them the truth even when they say “we’re almost there right?” or “it’s just a short bit further, right?” because if I lie to them to appease them, I’ll be blamed and they’ll be miserable. Just this past weekend, I told a work outing they were just shy of halfway, and they turned back. Maybe I spoiled the day, but it would be worse if they were too exhausted or ran out of water! An inspiring story is good for us, but they must be chosen judiciously. Far too many of them emphasize outliers, ignore exceptionally good fortune or hold up an exception to the rule as the rule. Since the rules apply to most people, it’s best to find an everyman who improved rather than a paragon on whom it’s impossible to improve.  This story gives just enough detail to make it sound awesome without giving enough to know whether his pattern is even possible for you.  It's done to make headlines, attract readers, and gin up business and not because the people who post it think you can do it.  How can they? They don't know you, and neither do I.  You will have to find what strategy works for YOU, and only people who really know and understand you can provide anything useful to inspire or direct you.  Too many inspiring stories aren't, and too many people think their story isn't as inspiring as it really is.

The subject of this article enjoys incredibly good fortune. He found a girlfriend who pays about half of the costs of living, allowing him to enjoy a status of life by sharing costs equally. I don’t know about you, but most of the girls I meet aren’t looking for a share as an equal partner; they are looking for someone to take care of them in exchange for coitus. On top of that, she’s willing to split all the bills, pay half of the mortgage, and demands nothing of him in the form of special treats, baubles, or favors. Where do I get a unicorn like this? After only five years, he’s been promoted to a pay grade $30,000 more than he earned when he started. Most people don’t get raises that quickly or of that scale. Either he’s incredibly talented or he’s incredibly favored. After eleven years at my current job, I have managed to acquire $20,000 more than when I started. That’s less money in twice the time interval (possibly because I’m not a boot-licking toady, but he might not be a toady; he might benefit from good fortune or be exceptionally valuable). On top of that, his salary is the average household salary, but that doesn’t include whatever his girlfriend earns. Since they share expenses and living arrangements, it’s actually disingenuous to proceed from his $50,000/year salary since it ignores the monetary contribution his girlfriend may proffer, putting him far above average as a household. Let’s also remember that the average household is not headed by a 23 or 28 year old. Those are still very young people. Most households are not young people living together but unmarried and withotu children.  Many households are overflowing with children.  Furthermore his investments largely occurred when the market was at a low and then rose. If he started investing in 2013, the market has climbed astronomically since he started. I finished college in 2002, when the market was in shambled after 9/11, and it didn’t recover nearly that quickly or that thoroughly. I didn’t finish college during a boom; I finished during the dotcom bust and then passed through the housing bubble.

Despite his current portfolio, the subject of this article did nothing special. He didn’t invest in bitcoin, gold, or any special stock, allegedly. He didn't buy Apple or Amazon when it was cheap and make out like a bandit.  He is not Warren Buffett, and his father didn't give him $10 million like Trump when he turned 21.  Now, he does have $116,000 in a brokerage (which tells me he trades stocks individually), and I have money in mutual funds instead. I tried years ago to trade stocks, but you have to do it daily and really have a good handle on either financials or fads in purchasing, and I didn’t pick things that regular people buy. I short sold Facebook at its IPO because I thought it was worthless, and I bought 500 shares of Washington Mutual when they were rescuing banks only to have it be the only bank they didn’t rescue. The rest of his money is in a 401K. Well, I don’t actually have a company 401K, since I’m in academia, and they don’t match funds, so I have a retirement investment that earns money, but I didn’t make enough to put in money from the getgo. Most people end up working all their lives, which isn’t bad, because it gives them purpose and fulfillment. It’s very unnatural for anyone to completely retire at 38, and I suspect that he won’t actually stay retired. How long will that nest egg actually last? Have they had any real misfortunes with health or accidents or natural disasters? What about his girlfriend? Is she going to stick around as his bank account drains or will she demand that he go back to work? You don’t know what the future will bring, which is the problem, and most people make plans that don’t actually work out. On top of that, his girlfriend is a partner. My ex-wife took everything from me in the divorce except for the 1995 Saturn I love. So, he didn’t do anything special. He didn’t have a disaster set him back $200,000. It’s not that they’re especially frugal or that they worked things out to budget or discuss money or invest above anything else. He makes no mention of how the relationship dynamic tended towards success, meaning that they either didn’t have to have those discussions or she just follows his lead. Well, if you marry a shrupshire sheep who follows your lead and you want to save, you’ll save a lot too. Picking a partner is key, but there’s no evidence that he spent any kind of time or made herculean effort to get a good partner. The evidence suggests they’ve been together for years and that he’s not had to do a lot of dating or sort through the ruderal dreck in search of a partner like most people do. Although he claims his expenses are small, he spends about $500 per month on travel. Does that include car travel? Most people don’t have $6000 to spend each year to travel. The article leaves out a lot of detail that would help; in fact the first time I heard about it, the article omitted his salary.  He’s living fairly lavishly but not thinking it. If you do the math on his figures for “eating out in restaurants” that comes to roughly $25-$30/week, which means he’s not eating out in fancy restaurants or at least not often. Maybe his girlfriend goes Dutch and pays half, but that’s also not common for most folks where the man foots the bill and the woman luxuriates at his expense. Also, $5 a day is like a cheap combo meal or like once per week. Do they do any other dating? Dating can be expensive. Even if you don’t’ spend money, you still have to work at any relationship, the house will eventually need repairs, and he’ll probably want better things eventually even if he is frugal.

Most people can’t actually channel him as an example because he’s not representative of the normal population. Although he claims that he’s earning about the median family income, he STARTED at $50,000. Most people dont' start in the middle; they start near the bottom.  By definition, half of households in America earn less than he does, and most people don’t start with that high of a salary. When I finished college, I earned $24,000 a year teaching classes as a graduate student. Furthermore, that household income is for a family of four, and he’s a family of two that only reports HIS income. What about hers? Is the savings figure also indicative of what SHE saved? Does she save at all? In my experience most of the wealthy people I know either got lucky on a boondoggle or they live in two income households where one paycheck covers the bills, the frills, and the kids and the other paycheck is put away entirely into savings or frivolity. Now, if that’s the case with this couple, then he’s not a good representative for any traditional family where the wife stays home and either spends the husband’s money or tends the children. He’s also not probative for single income earners who don’t have anyone to share expenses or receive no contributions to a common account. I only have what I earn, and while I get to keep it all for me, I pay all the bills myself. Most of you can’t skimp on cell phones and internet and eating out and travel because your kids need rides to violin lessons and instruments and phones so they can fit in and internet so they can stay competitive in school. Many families I know with kids have to prepare multiple dishes because they have picky eaters; the more people you have in your family the more difficult it is to find something on which they all agree. Sean has only to discuss things with his girlfriend (or dictate to her if she’s beta), so he doesn’t have the compromises or the conflicting obligations that you do. He can focus on work and retirement because he doesn’t have screaming children demanding his attention. On top of that, he’s very rare when it comes to academia. Besides myself, I know ZERO people who finished college sans debt unless their parents contributed greatly. He got some scholarships and financial assistance from his parents. That’s not normal. Most people have to either take out loans or get a second job, and they did even in the 1980s. One professor in my department has paid ZERO towards her student loans, and she graduated 15 years ago.  Instead, Sean finished college without any debt whatsoever. That’s definitely the exception to the rule. After graduating, he immediately got a job in his field with a good entry salary without experience. Students complain to me incessantly about having to study things that don’t portend to utility in their vocation. Most programs don’t prepare you to get a job, they just qualify you to get an interview.

We talk about “self-made millionaires” or about beatified Saints or about Agincourt because we hope to convince people that miracles are possible. However, most people will work their entire life and not become millionaires, even in America, most religious efforts won’t result in mass conversions or miraculous salvation, and most battles in a swamp against a vastly superior force end in favor of the bigger army. Like it or not, the subject of this article, Sean, is not your average story. Very few people finish college and immediately land a well-paid job without any experience and just a bachelor’s degree. Even fewer people rise in might and wealth as quickly as Sean. Only a handful find a partner whose avarice and pride don’t exact most of the excess monies in order to establish a lavish lifestyle. The exceptionally rare are frugal enough to invest that much that early even if they desire it because our world stratifies people based on optics rather than achievements. Most people choose to spend money on the optics of success, but Sean doesn't have to look successful to entice a mate because he already has one.  His results are not typical. He’s that testimonial that they trot out in nutritional ads or for exercise machines like the Bowflex or for investments, someone who did astronomically well, but in this article, there is no asterix affirming that even if you applied this formula you’re likely to get mediocre results at best and nowhere near approach him, and that’s ok. Everyone’s life and luck differs, but if you use this as a metric, I think you’re headed for disappointment. Even if I saved every penny I earned from the age of 23-28, I would not have that amount today, and you probably would not either. But that’s not the real point. The real point is that most Americans don’t have ANYTHING put away for a rainy day, and so if you do, you’re already better off than most even if you didn’t manage to save $250,000 before you were 30. That should inspire you with hope and a sense of accomplishment.  Whether you agree with this or not, you should at least consider the points of this video in determining what actually inspires YOU and how inspiring your story can be when you forget the outliers like Sean and realize heroes also started out as ordinary people like you:

Right to Bear Arms

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I maintain strong opinions about the Constitution. I carry a copy in the pocket of my suit. I hung a copy on the wall in my library. I detest the efforts of enigmatic snollygosters in political office to eviscerate it or to rewrite it by judicial fiat. I abhor the fact that many people see things within it that it does not say and do not see things that glaringly present themselves to the naked eye. Among those, I feel very strongly about my right to keep and bear arms. The US Forest Service tolerates the fact that I carry a gun (and a bowie knife) when I do trail recon for them on Mt. Charleston. They know that I don't draw it, that I don't menace with it, but that it legitimates me and gets people to pay attention. They know that I use words to do my job and the gun to substantiate my credentials. I own a few guns. I read an article in 2008 about 75 things every man should know, and since I didn't actually have one, I decided it was time to get one, learn how to use and care for it, and get familiar if God forbid I ever needed one. When government officials threatened to ban, confiscate, and restrict them, I felt even more inclined to buy one because IT'S MY RIGHT. You will hear lots of arguments, mostly darkening counsels by words without knowledge. If you really want to learn about guns and the Constitution, read Clayton Cramer's PhD Dissertation on the subject because it's illuminating. It's really just the literal manifestation of your right like every other organism on the planet to defend yourself. Porcupines have spines, bears have claws, fish can outswim you, plants have spikes or toxins, and humans have tools, like guns, because we're really kind of weak and soft and slow comparatively, so we have a right to protect ourselves if someone or something tries to hurt or kill us just like any other organism. When politicians discuss guns, they do so without regard for your right to protect YOURSELF because they want you to wait for the cops to arrive instead, if they feel like it, if you pay your taxes, and if the government decides you deserve protection. That's a diminution of our right to life. They don't think that humans have a right or the capability to protect themselves.

Most crimes are not protracted with guns, but they are usually done via things weaponized to be tools of destruction. Despite the media glamorization of shootings, which are always abhorrent, you are five times more likely to be stabbed with a knife or scissors and twice as likely to be beaten to death. When I was mugged in 2015, my attacker hit me in the back of the head with a floor tile fragment which was lying in the driveway of a neighbor's house- a weapon of opportunity. When I was mugged in Vienna, the guy just wailed on me with his fists. In fact, I've only ever been menaced by someone wielding a gun twice. Once was some stupid US Marshalls on Mt. Charleston who insisted that since they were "also law enforcement" that the rules didn't apply to them (they never drew, just let me know they were all carrying concealed). The other time was in the Walmart near my house where an older woman threatened me to get my wallet. I pulled out my bowie knife and said, "It better be fatal, because if you don't kill me with the first shot you won't survive". I don't recommend doing that, and neither did the officer when I reported the attempt, but I was feeling morose and didn't want to put up with her tripe. I've had more money stolen by bad online transactions and by pickpockets, and the kids who tried to break into my house didn't have any weapons at all. I've had rocks thrown at me and my car, had someone slash my tires, my identity stolen, and a few other minor things, but none of those involved guns, and nobody has ever actually shot a gun while victimizing me. Furthermore, if you look at "gun crimes" that usually lumps together suicides, accidental discharge, and when cops fire their guns at criminals, so it's sort of a misnomer that guns kill a lot of people in America due to negligence on the part of gun owners. Fully 75% of gun violence is protracted by people in possession of guns that are not theirs, but the ultracrepidarians in government don't want to hear that. They also ignore the fact that 71 people have been shot in Chicago this month already, and that's a gun free city. I guess someone forgot to tell the criminals that they can't use guns.

Guns are a weapon of last resort. Many family members have jobs where they deal with guns, directly or indirectly. I helped several of them learn how to use and get comfortable with them in order to pass their qualifications for their employment. I tell all of them to only draw their weapon if they are ready to fire it and intend to fire it in short order. Once you escalate to the level of firearms, you cannot deescalate, and if the other person has a gun too, you'd better be ready to fire and fire quickly or you're toast. If they have rocks or scissors or brass knuckles, it's much easier to deescalate or to flee, but it's hard to outrun a bullet travelling 1250 feet per second, even if you're Usain Bolt. Up on the mountain, I use words, then a whistle to get attention, and if I had to fight, the knife would be my first choice because if you have a weapon, you automatically have the advantage. Everyone looking at me eventually sees the gun. They also see the patches and the uniform, and all but a few accept that I have good reason to say what I say, and many realize that I have backup if they try anything, even if the backup has to hike up after me. When I was working on a ranch in Colorado in 2011, the boss indicated that there was some risk of wildlife and lent us a gunbelt. The gun was a crossdraw, meaning that the rig was designed so that you turn to the gun only if necessary. It can be very tempting to resort to one if you have it. We all know what happens to people without guns who face people with guns, and we know that criminals don't shy away from shooting innocent bystanders, and it's better to have a gun and know how to use it and not need it than need one and not have one.

Live and let live sounds wonderful until your life is threatened. That being said, killing is an ugly and dirty business, and so while I maintain the right to keep, own, carry, and use a gun, I think that it behooves each person to be judicious in doing so. Unlike other weapons, guns tend to kill. When I was mugged in 2015, among the items stolen included two 50rd boxes of .357mag ammunition. Yes, that's what I carry. When the police learned first that ammo was stolen and next what caliber it was, they asked me why I didn't just kill my assailant. I told the responding officers that it would be foolish of me to take someone's life over a matter of $50. Granted, if the man had continued to pursue me even after taking my stuff and hearing me call 911, and if and only if I thought my life was threatened, I reserve the right to use my weapons to save my own life. Killing or even shooting someone is a serious thing. As annoyed as I was to be attacked and to lose $50 worth of stuff, it's easy to replace that; it's not easy to replace the life or health lost if I shot the man. Not to mention, when you pull that trigger, you risk killing two people- the person you shoot and the person you used to be. Once you cross that road, you cannot walk it back and be like you were. It was easy for me, interestingly, in the moment to decide flight was better. I'm annoyed to lose the ammunition and the backpack, which I owned since high school, but it's not worth risking my life or taking his. If you shoot someone, despite what the LVMPD officers implied, there will be trouble. Of course they investigate, and that promises all sorts of unpleasantness, and even if you were in the right, what about the family or friends of the person you shoot? They'll feel "robbed" of their son/husband/whatever, and probably seek a judgment against you. I don't need that, and I certainly don't need to go to jail because I overstepped my rights in shooting some punk in his 20s who decided he wanted my stuff. He didn't really seem to want to take my life or hurt me any more than he had, to be honest, and so I felt more inclined to run and limit the damage and pain where it was. An eye for an eye eventually makes the entire world blind. Of course, if he hurt me or killed me, we'd feel differently, but I honestly think he was just an idiot, and death by firearm is a severe punishment for being stupid.

Like most things, I think we esteem guns lightly because we obtain them readily. It's not "easy" to get a gun, but they are plentiful. You have to pay a great deal for a gun, and most people can't afford them, and then you have to buy ammunition. You have to fill out forms and be approved (at least in NV) by the Highway Patrol as having no outstanding warrants or convictions if you buy one from a licensed dealer. Then you have to practice, which is not cheap, because you can't just fire a gun anywhere you like (although some of my neighbors don't seem to realize when they shoot off their guns for Cinco de Mayo that the ammunition comes back DOWN). Most people don't research them, train with them, or have any real instruction for their care and proper use. When I bought mine, I had been taught. My father taught me a little when I was 12, and in Boy Scouts, I did earn the Rifle Shooting Merit Badge. I was trained. We didn't have one readily accessible in the house, and my dad taught us to respect them as dangerous. I don't know how long it took the police to arrive when I was attacked, but it was odd because nobody saw the attack. Although it was May, nobody was outside because it was like 89F at 9PM, so everyone was hunkered inside enjoying the air conditioning; I didn't even see any cars drive by after I was attacked. If I had to wait for someone or the police to come and protect me, especially if this dude had an actual weapon rather than rubble to hurl in my direction, it's very likely I would have been killed in 2015. I believe in the right to keep and bear arms because I think you have a right to defend yourself. While doing Taekwondo, my sensei taught us that the best self defense technique is to not be there, but when someone waylays you and ambushes you from behind like a coward to take things because they can, you may not be able to run. Fortunately for me, the kid neither incapacitated nor killed me with the first blow. If you decide to carry a weapon, you ought to be allowed that, and if you decide to carry a gun, you ought be allowed that too. Where do I draw the line? Well, weapons are for defense, so if it's silly to think you would use it for personal defense, it should not be available for personal purchase. Nobody would use a missile launcher, bazooka, or tank to defend themselves if mugged because that's not practical, but you might need a rifle for example if you're attacked by wolves, bears, or coyotes or a gang of humans. There is nothing wrong with carrying and using a gun. Why you do a thing matters far more than what you do. Especially now that I have actually been attacked, I claim the right to carry a gun, because if he had known, he might have crossed the street instead of crossing me.

Changes to My Bucket List?

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By the time I was 30, I had achieved everything I wanted to do with my life except become a dad. It’s not that I didn’t have other aspirations; I just figured that I would invest my time, talents, and fortune into my family, and so I made no other grandiose plans. Having reached that age, having been divorced, and having nothing even resembling a girlfriend, I wrote up my bucket list. The first entry was “be a dad”, but now I’m not so sure I want to anymore. In the gym Wednesday afternoon, one of the young attendants mentioned how she looked forward to having kids, I told her that I wasn’t sure I wanted them anymore. They asked, and I told them my concerns. I’m not really the best fit to prepare kids for the world as presently constituted. We used to be able to trust most strangers to leave us alone even if we couldn’t trust strangers, but now I know we can’t trust people we know, and I’m afraid for kids today. I’m also afraid I won’t find someone with whom I’m interested in having kids. I find women attractive, and I enjoy their company in some cases, but I don’t want to let them into my life, making it extremely unlikely to bear children. Part of that stems from my love for routine and freedom. I’ve been living in my ruts for about a decade now, and she’ll have to be pretty damn spectacular for me to do the work necessary to leave them.

I feel woefully inadequate to prepare children for success in the modern world. In many ways, I’m a vestige of a bygone era. I grew up on Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire. I know that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle used the phrase “what in thunder” in 1859. I own the 12 volume set of the Oxford English Dictionary from 1911. I own a TV, but it’s not connected to the internet; I’m not sure it’s even internet compatible. I drive a stick shift, miss 90s sitcoms, still write real letters, ask parents for permission to date their daughter, know how to waltz, and work as a scientist. Most of what I know isn’t of much use in the real world. I’m afraid for kids, for the amount of things they must correctly process, for the speed at which things change, and for the ease with which people with ulterior motives can derail their lives. I mean, we can’t even tell with certainty if someone is male or female anymore, and things that used to happen behind closed doors now happen anywhere at any time. I’m afraid my cynicism would rub off on kids and cause them to be isolated or that I’d not prepare them enough for life in this world. The world isn’t what I thought it was or what I prepared for in order to succeed, and I’m afraid for what will happen for my own flesh and blood.

Most of what moves other people doesn’t interest me. When I go on vacation, I go to get away. When I’m bored, I buy and read actual books or go for a walk. I honestly don’t care what most people think. I wear clothes I like that cost an amount I’m willing to pay. My laptop running WINXP finally died, and that’s the only reason I upgraded to Windows 10. Although I’m not in peak physical condition, I have to exercise every day, and since I work all day, I’m pretty exhausted when I arrive home, so much so that I’m glad I don’t have to help with homework or deal with kid drama. As much as I love my nieces and nephew, I am glad to hand them back to their parents and wonder if I’m too old to be anything other than their favorite uncle. Honestly, I’m selfish for my own life and goals now, having spent over a decade doing only what I like, and I’m not sure I’m the one to prepare children.

Most women make good fits for other men. Periodically and regularly I meet women who seem to think I would make a good father, but they either aren’t interested in even dating me or they want me to help them raise kids they already have. I knew a girl once with whom I was excited to have a family. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared to death, but I was looking forward to facing the challenges together with her. Now she left me five years ago this morning, and nobody I meet even holds a candle to who she used to be. Right after that, some students tried to set me up with one of their classmates, but she didn’t like me because of my religion. Either my beliefs are a problem, or they demand terms with which I don’t agree or cannot comply. I have no interest in being a stepdad or single father, so my biggest problem is the first step- an inability to find a partner with whom I’m interested in starting a family.

I haven’t even gone on a date for almost three years. I think I asked some girls out, but none of them obviously accepted the invitation. Girls seem interested in me, but only in helping them raise children they already bore some other guy. For the most part, I don’t want them to know where I live, let alone come inside my house. When I meet them, having been divorced before, I cynically worry they come with an ulterior motive, that they just want my money or security. Some of them actually confess that to me openly. One was offended when I told her I'd ask for a prenuptial agreement, which I did on the advice of counsel because he told me if she balks at that I should probably run. The rest show lack of affect in the way they treat me, that they’re looking for a different dynamic than what I welcome. Usually within a year, they meet and marry someone else. One even found someone else within a month of meeting me, bought a house with him, and moved in together; I learned that when her mother became one of my students.

This November marks eight consecutive years living in my current domicile completely on my own. With brief exception, I have lived here alone with my beagle for that entire time, and for the past three years, I’ve let him have the run of the house when I’m away. I go where I like when I like, do what I like because I like it, and I account to nobody with skin on in most cases. Tuesday night, when I ran into an acquaintance at Sonic whose fiancée just dumped her, I stayed four hours to talk with her about it because nobody expected me home or would think I was cheating on them being out past midnight without calling. My wife was the one who demanded I get a cell phone (so she could keep tabs on me), but right now I'm my own boss, my own clerk, my own chef, my own gourmand, my own chauffeur, my own char person, and my own person. I have a beard because I want to, even though I know it annoys some family members and turns off some women, because I happen to prefer the way I look with it, and it's my life. What I do is legal, ethical, and moral (not that I'm a paragon), and so most people who take exception to it are really showing that they prefer something else, meaning we're not likely a good match. A friend of mine tried to set me up with her friend who refused to date me because I have a beard. Well, that is a "personal flaw" that can be removed in 10 minutes; are yours that easy to abrogate?

I love my freedom. I speak my peace, do chores only when I like, and get to use ALL of the money I earn as I see fit. I don’t compromise; I decide to do things. Two years ago I spent a week in Montana talking only to people when I felt like it, and I didn’t have to accommodate anyone else except while waiting in line to get into the national parks. I keep my routine, and I like it. My ruts run deep. Some people want me to join them in theirs, but if that was the life I wanted, I’d already be in those ruts. If I don’t like something, I change it, but I don’t have to change it to appease someone else, and I certainly don’t have to argue with someone about it. I sleep on the couch because it’s cooler, and I do dishes when the sink fills. I never ruin anyone’s clothing but my own, and I walk around in my underwear if I feel like it. Nobody appreciates what I do, but nobody EVER complains about what I do, and I like not having to ingratiate myself to someone else. I like who I am. I wish I were thinner, but not enough to try to impress the hot vegan chick when we don't share any common ground.

These attitudes and epiphanies combine to help me feel like maybe I no longer have the strong feelings about that goal I once possessed. I regularly tell people that if something doesn’t really matter, you find an excuse, but if it really matters, you move hell and earth to make it happen. I’m not really doing anything to make it happen. I tell myself that I just haven’t found anyone with whom I have any desire to start a family, but in truth, I’m also not really looking. Sure, I keep an eye open, and if someone came along, I would pursue the possibility, but I recognize the apathy in me. I’ve been burned. Badly. I celebrated eight years last month of no word from my ex wife, and I don’t really have any female friends, let alone any I would date. That’s astounding given the number of young ladies who get to know me because I’m their professor, but people don’t tend to get to know me unless external forces demand it. At this point, it will take little short of a standing miracle. For now, it's still on the list. One way or another, eventually that will change.