Gossip, Bullies, and Abuse

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Even as people prattle the philosophy of peace and love, far too many of them hypocritically live the other way and attack those with whom they disagree or whom they don’t like. Usually attacks on one group by another arise from enmity- from envy, malice, hatred or jealousy. This is an ancient phenomenon, which shows up in the Bible with the children of Adam, one of whom slays his brother because the brother’s sacrifice was acceptable when his was not. Paradoxically, and perhaps most tragically, any kind of personal attack usually results in a lose-lose, because in order for the aggressor to succeed, he must abandon whatever virtuous activities in which he is engaged in order to press the campaign against his fellow, and usually, as this film that I saw Saturday depicts, what remains when the dust clears is mostly ruinous.

With the rise of technology, the speed of the bullying mentality has accelerated. Whereas once we had to encounter by chance these attacks, in their haste to be popular, most people will spread retribution when they are annoyed or angered without a second thought. Even when judging others poses no threat to a person physically, it is always contentious, even when those who perpetrate it claim it was intended as a joke. That claim is only true if the target finds it entertaining, but usually the target finds it debilitating, denigrating, and defeating. Since it takes some minutea about one person that is probably common and not a character fault and mocks it, it mocks humanity in general. How many young people have committed suicide of late because of slanderous and libelous memes spread by social media or rumors or other kinds of personal attacks? They need not be propagated by an army with swords and staves; the pen (and now the iPAD) truly can be mightier than the sword.

The number of victims and the severity of victimhood come from the fear of others to likewise be ridiculed. Even nations make treaties thinking to have secured peace in their time without recognizing that the aggressor, which is usually a weaker personality, can only endure if it cuts down those whom it perceives to be stronger. Even worse, sometimes the aggressor finds allies who help spread their terror around and create a single target around which they can unite. Sometimes, we continue to propagate it so that we do not become a target ourselves, because those who rise up and stand against bullies usually gain the full attention of the abuser.

As this film depicts, sometimes the attacks are done anonymously, but that’s not always the case. Sometimes, the people who hurt us the most are those whom we believed to be closest to us. Sometimes, and police will corroborate this, the worst abuse comes from people in our own homes and in our own families. That’s when it becomes the most difficult to conquer.

Dr. Phil McGraw once said that “The first tool of an abuser is to isolate the victim”. This works because if you feel like you are alone, then you constitute less of a threat. Your family is supposed to be a refuge, and if, when you leave work or school or whatever other activities and you return home to an abusive situation, it can feel hard to resist. I know from my own personal experience how much I hated “going home” in graduate school to a wife who seemed unable to see any virtue in me at all.

Whether from peers or from kin, the abuse of a bully threatens the livelihood of the victim. When there are no physical repercussions, such as in my case, emotional scars remain that hinder our ability to love and trust and get close to others. Some of the people you see walking around are among the so-called “walking dead”, having already been carved out from the inside by repeated emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse, who are hostage to the bullies around them and who feel isolated and helpless.

We lose the high ground when we refuse to turn the other cheek. We adopt the behavior and disposition of the bully if we exclude, banish, or punish others because of what they have done, because of what they might have done, or because they share some trite commonality with someone who once wronged you or those you love. Judgment with condemnation is a position very anti-Christ, for only God knows our hearts and thoughts and intents sufficiently to justify those behaviors. Even during his incarnation, Christ always welcomed “publicans and sinners” who came to Him. Finding another guilty by association, without investigation, or “by words without knowledge (Job 38:3)” invites the Judge of Quick and Dead to judge us with the same mercy we extend to others- ZERO. Judging others for the disparaging remarks made of them by others without any investigation on our own makes us fit ridicule before the mercy of Christ. Perhaps, as I have, you have also had to pay for the sins of others.

Frequently, the bullies will hold their targets captive to their wills. Even if not in gulags or ghettos like the genocides of the 1940s, you probably know people who stay in abusive relationships. Since these often involve adults, even though it doesn’t legally count as a kidnapping it does constitute a form of hostage situation. Like in hostage situations, the bully will do everything he can to isolate the victim- moving them to a strange location, cutting off lines of communication, separating them from friends and family either geographically or by vilifying those they love, and by standing watch over them at all times. They are not free to move around at will, to eat what or when they like, or even given access to the tools to handle their own lives.

In other cases, the bully will isolate the victim while he is surrounded by people. This diabolical design pushes people into expulsion and exile, not literally, but socially or economically or even grammatically. How many people do you know who exclude people because they dress differently, like different music, use different vocabulary, or ignore any other number of social conventions? My car has been a litmus test for years, and I have discovered that it is almost 100% efficient at weeding people out of my life who judge quickly. Either way, the bully wants the target held hostage to the will and timing and opinions of the bully.

Sometimes, Stockholm syndrome results, in which the captive comes to “appreciate” that the abuser has “Killed them with kindness” by doing things “for their own good”. In a few cases, I have had to hold back what I thought because although I might have revealed to the person that they were being abused, it would make me look like the bully. I do not desire to drive them closer to the abuser and find virtue in his vices. Sometimes, when we point out that someone is in emotional, physical, or psychological captivity, they lash out and accuse us of slander and gossip, even when what we point out to them is true. They are right to lash out; if they cannot see it, they will not leave it. You cannot rescue someone who refuses to come with you to a place of safety. All you can do is invite them to go with you instead.

At the end of the day, abusers are not your friend. Even when they excuse their means based on the ends, I have already discussed the logical fallacy that immoral means can lead to moral ends. Virtuous ends come only from virtuous means. Otherwise, there would have been no problem with Lucifer’s plan to exalt himself and take credit for forcing us all to obey as we ought. God’s plan was about both the means as well as the ends. Yet, I see at church regularly people compelling those they claim to love to obey against their wills, unaware apparently that gifts given grudgingly avail them nothing. Wickedness, even in your attitude, never leads to happiness. Forcing your spouse to attend church with you or to participate in any way is a form of abuse and tyranny and contrary to your happiness and theirs. If something is good, the only win-win comes when they decide to do it of their own free will and choice. There is no virtue in using the Adversary’s method to achieve the Father’s plan.

The Father’s plan furthermore consists in the quest of choice. Each of us has an opportunity to show whether we really intend to follow Him and then for those who do whether they intend to avail themselves of grace by turning to the Savior. Most bullies view themselves as the most powerful force in the universe, and consequently both they and their captives feel eventually that they have no need of a Savior. For this reason, the Iron Rod of God is a tool to which we may cling to help hold our way rather than a truncheon for use in our punishment. The bully Adversary seeks souls that can become food while the Father desires to fill the universe with copies of Himself (CS Lewis- Screwtape letters), because only Sons can succeed a Father.

Bullies grow up to become tyrants, and some people who think they mean well establish fiefdoms of oppression sometimes in their own homes. Governments too typically attract bullies who desire to dictate to others what they will do, when they will do it, with whom they will associate, and what they will do during those associations. These small people move into positions of power in law enforcement and legislation because they like to be in control. They do not care about the ends; they are interested in the means, because as long as they dictate to others, it makes them feel worthy and powerful and validated. Government bullies do not like us to do anything for ourselves. Sadly, there are some who mean well and intend to force us to be good, but they in the end intend to rule us even when they are obviously unqualified to rule even themselves. When possible, they will seek to isolate us and make us dependent on them. They will lock us up like hostages and take from us any tools they can that we might use to handle our own lives.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the Gospel of Freedom. You don’t have to follow it. When you choose to, you have ZERO authority to impose your will on others. Most men, as soon as they obtain the least scintilla of power as they imagine immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion on others. Look at Christ instead; He persuaded, encouraged, suffered long, waited patiently, invited gently and forgave frankly when the sinner turned. He isn’t interested in control. You cannot tempt to virtue as you can to vice. You can only invite. You cannot force people to love you. You can only be true.

The best sermon, the only sermon, and the most impressive sermon applicable to this situation came from the Master Himself. Love thy neighbor as thyself. When we do not defend others, particularly those whom we say we love, we in essence betray them. When we do not love them, we do not love God. When we assume the bad, we open the door for our Maker to judge us with justice rather than mercy. When we impose our will on our brothers and sisters, we hold them back from chances to grow and learn and improve. Out of fear of failure, we prop up the weak rather than allowing their faith to grow and make them stronger. Each of us has failed or fallen short, including the bullies, and perhaps they abuse because they have no hope, because they feel themselves hopeless. For this reason, the bullies need our love and care and concern the most, especially since they deserve it the least. Forgiveness can be difficult, particularly when we are abused. Dieter F Uchtdorf reminds us in this film: "In the end, it is the merciful who obtain mercy."