Unexpected Friends

Share

As I pondered lost love and dead or dying loved ones, a rather odd thought struck me. Excluding family, the best relationships I’ve had are ones for which I was not actually looking. The best friendships and relationships are with individuals that I would have not ordinarily considered for the role. Essentially, I wasted a great deal of time pursuing other people, other opportunities, in other places, trying to force a relationship out of an encounter. When I moved to Vegas, my sister gave me a book by Paul Brandt, and it can be summarized in this one excerpt from his book: “Spend your life living happily and let God bring the people into your life who belong.” The people God brought are the only people in my experience who were worth meeting for my part. Often, they were beings I would not have noticed or with whom I would never have interacted without the interpolation of the Almighty.  I know this is not the conventional wisdom.  Most people tell you to get out, put yourself out there, and take risks.  I can only speak from my experience.  I have found that conventional wisdom does not work out for me the way that people who spout it hope it will.

Relationships I sought ended ultimately not only in disappointment, but in dejection. One young man with whom I hiked frequently used me as a foil by which to entertain a series of women he wanted to date at my sole expense. As I became aware of this, I stopped inviting him to see if he would invite me to things; he continued to hike, but he never invited me. I only found out he married when I had his wife as a student years later. One young lady I pursued romantically about the same time finally acquiesced to date me for a period of barely six weeks after I pursued her for 8 months, including taking her with me to Washington DC, only to seek an exit strategy and ultimately dump me because I wasn’t skinny enough, ambitious enough, or rich enough, and because she wanted to date a previous ex and see if they could make it work. The past several months, I have been stood up by people who accepted my invitation to hike or go shooting even though they initiated contact only to break plans last minute if they notified me at all. Very few students talk to me after they get their letters of recommendation, and even members of Sunday School find me forgettable. In January, I encountered a prominent family from my last congregation on a hiking trail, two of the daughters had me in Sunday School, who didn’t acknowledge me if they even recognized me. Many women I find attractive ghost me, and most of the people with whom I used to go places now go to those places with other people. In fact, with the one exception to follow, I could have ignored every woman I have ever met as a romantic prospect since I was divorced, and my life would be exactly the same. For me, it appears to have been a complete waste of time.

I never thought I would come to love a dog. Growing up, I harbored no intentions of ever owning any pet let alone a dog because my brothers had pets, and I shied away from the responsibility. The only reason I have a dog is because my ex-wife wanted to “start a business” with her parents breeding beagles, which was their way of roping me in as free labor. I never saw a dime from that business, and I didn’t even get to pick him. He was a “gift” for my birthday. Of course, I didn’t ask for a dog or for this dog or get to pick this dog, but I did get to pay for it since she paid for the “gift” with my Discovercard. She never really liked him after he arrived, particularly since he refused to mate with the dog from whom my wife wanted a litter of pups. After we split and I moved away, she used him to manipulate me into coming back, telling me that if I didn’t come get him she would have him euthanized, only to tell me once I arrived that I had to pay $1000 to redeem him from her. When I bought this house in November 2010, I bought it because, in addition to things I desired, it had a yard for him to explore and because it had a dog door already so that he could come inside when I was away during the hot summer days. I’m not precisely sure as to the timeline, but by winter 2012, he was sleeping inside downstairs each night on blankets near the dog door/sliding door, and by Summer 2015, he was sleeping wherever he liked. Last year when he got sick, I discovered that I cared enough about him to drive home for dinner and then drive back for my night labs three nights per week (one night there was no time to go home and get back). I am not sure I would do that for ANY person I have ever met in my life. I love this dog, and I never even intended to meet him. When he dies, part of me will die too.

My two close human friends are also people I sought out for other reasons. My best human friend and I both served as a character witness at a trial for a gentlemen we both knew. He was there for the defense; I was there for the prosecution, but we both said the same thing, and that’s how we met. I never thought I would make a friend in a courtroom. At first, we would just talk, but we found we had enough common ground besides Benjamin W that he invited me out to visit him near Philadelphia, and that’s how I made my first trip to Independence Hall. Only Thom survived of my friends from before I was divorced. My other close human friend was a friend of a former student. Shortly after a woman I really liked rebuffed me in 2009, Tracie insisted that the two of us meet at Taste of Vegas. I would have never gone. I am still not sure why I actually went. Nevertheless, he persisted, and within a year, we were hiking together, talking together, and spending time together at least 40 days per year, sometimes from 8AM to midnight. Neither one of these were men I would have met any other way let alone people in whom I would have been interested in forging a friendship, but I’m glad that I did.

The best romantic relationship I ever had was with a Geautiful Birl many years ago now. I enjoyed her company and conversation, but owing to circumstances of her life, I decided to eschew a romantic relationship with her. Nothing was wrong with her; it was perceived discontinuity between her life and mine, which turned out to be the only thing that mattered, but I digress. My close friend in Vegas persuaded me to consider her, and after prayer and talking to her, we dated, and I’ve never cared about any woman as much as I cared about her. This blog is replete with invitations to her to return and revisit our love, an outreach that ended only after I found out she was living with (and probably schtuping) some other guy. I never intended to get to know her romantically; I wasn’t looking for someone like her. However, scared as I was at the prospect of fatherhood, she remains the only woman I’ve ever known with whom I actually wanted to have children, and she remains the only woman for whom I “changed” to be my best self all the time without her chiding me or requesting it of me. I wanted to be the best person I could be for her of my own free will and choice. She inspired me. Yet, I met her at the only time in my life I ever would, and she remained interested long enough for my friend to persuade me to give her a chance. I’m just sad that she didn’t work out, but if she had, I think I would be far less attached to and interested in my Best Beagle Buddy.

People come and go. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season. Sometimes that season is shorter than we like. I spent a great deal of time trying to make friends, nurture friendships, and pursue romantic opportunities with other people. The ones that lasted for any period of time pale in comparison to how well they changed my life to those that I did not seek. Now, I know that these choices are not necessarily a waste. Sometimes we are also a node in the nexus of many lives. “It’s A Wonderful Life” shows us the myriad ways in which a simple, single life, can change the course of history in the lives of those around him for the better even if things appear relatively bleak and unsatisfying for him. I don’t know if I contributed directly to bettering the lives of those I encountered. All I know is that the accidental friends I made bettered my life immensely. I loved my Kat. I love my dog. I thank God for a few friends, none of whom I actually set out to make a wife, a pet, or a friend. I would have never known to ask for these blessings, but maybe because of Paul Brandt I was open to the possibilities, and maybe God will bring others into my life who actually matter.

A Dog's Life

Share

As I reminisce about the lives of my beloved dogs most of which are now buried beneath the dirt of the good earth, I think about the things they taught me and how they gave me an example of how to live a better life. Maybe I should have given some thought to this while they were here. Maybe that would have made my life better, our life better, while they were around. Whenever you learn these lessons, I think dogs teach us some powerful lessons about life. Besides the obvious, I identified the following small but significant behaviors/attitudes/lessons I derived from the lives of my very good beagle buddies:

1. Anytime is a good time for a treat. Any time. Nobody gets out of this life looking like they did when they were in their prime. Eat right, exercise, die anyway. You're not going to get out of here alive, so if you get a chance to eat a treat, to have something that you really enjoy eating, take it. The Sunday before last, I gave him too many treats, upset his stomach, and watched as he vomited at my feet. However, the treats were still well spent. He enjoyed eating them.

2. Let the wind blow through your hair. When we went on road trips or storms blew through the valley, my beagle liked to find a way to let the wind blow his ears around and go through his hair. I don't know why, but when I think about it, I find it a simple joy of life to let the cool breeze blow through your hair. Up on the mountain, if the wind rises, I often remove my hat, muss my hair and enjoy the sensation. So did he.

3. Smell things. Most people know that dogs rely primarily on their sense of smell. My dog didn't really like touch, but sometimes he would hover in front of my face and sniff, and whenever I came home, he'd check for other scents. It's how he knew where I was, how he partook in things along the way. I managed to record a video of him while driving where he is sniffing at all the smells as we head up the road. It was an interesting pleasure for him, and it's akin to "take time to smell the roses".

4. Stretch when you awake. After getting up and checking to see where I was, my beagle always stretched. It was cute. It was also practical. A lot of our injuries as humans could be mitigated if we stretched more. In a more figurative sense, each day gives us a chance to stretch ourselves a little more than yesterday in doing the things we like, we ought, and that make us better. I find that I get more done early in the day, so I try to stretch as much before lunch as possible.

5. Make eye contact. One of the cutest things about my dog was his face. Those brown pools of mud he had for eyes spoke volumes. I knew looking into his eyes how he felt. Back on 9 August 2013 when I had a particularly bad day, bad enough that I remember the date, I remember him looking up at me from the floor as if to say "I don't know what's wrong, but I still love you." Beagles don't usually make much eye contact, but I didn't notice some of his faces, his proclivities, and his personality traits until he lost his hearing and had to make more eye contact in order to communicate with me.

6. Enjoy any chance to walk. I managed to shoot video of him this year before we took a walk. He would get so excited to go get out even if just to be in my neighborhood and see what was new (or in his case smell what was new). It's a simple pleasure, but it's just as good for us as it is for them. My mom told me last week about how she walked them all separately when she hurt herself, and think of the steps she got, the calories she burned, the fresh air to which she was exposed, and the things she might have seen because she got off the couch and out the door. Get outside!

7. Find a good, comfortable place to rest. My beagle had many beds. Couches, chairs, piles of clothing, basically anywhere that smelled like me that was comfortable suited him, but when he injured himself last fall, I made him several beds of old BDUs in the house so that he could sleep somewhere comfortable. I told my dad that I wasn't going to refill the cordoroy poof chair in which he slept until he died because it provided a nice bed, low to the ground but sufficiently cushioned to rest his bones and sufficiently insulated to keep him warm. Basically, he spent most of his last few months in that poof atop the mink blanket my mom made so that he could be with me and be comfortable in case he fell asleep which happens when you're that age.

8. Take frequent naps. More now than before, my beagle sleeps, but where he sleeps, when and why changed. He sleeps when he's near me. He sleeps in the sun. He sleeps in places that are comfortable. A well rested body makes for a better life. It's a pure pleasure of life to awake rested and recharged somewhere where you'd like to be, whether it's a favorite chair, near a favorite being, or in a favorite light. Maybe we'd be less testy as people if we rested more.

9. Play whenever you can. I confess I didn't play with him as much as I ought to have. Sometimes I would, but more than anything, I would take him to my parents' house to play with their dogs. We have fond memories of him running laps full speed in the back yard having the time of his life. On a simpler note, sometimes, he'd just bounce around the room and try to get me to chase him. We don't really play anymore. We may enjoy ourselves, but there's something refreshing about getting your heart rate up by having fun and playing.

10. Make sure you keep an eye on those you love. Especially in the last year or so of his life when he lost his hearing, my beagle positioned himself most of the time so that he could keep an eye on me. Even last night when he slept, he positioned his head so that if he opened his eyes and I moved he could investigate if he chose. When he could hear, he would look up EVERY TIME I made noise, even if I was just readjusting in my chair so that he could go and be with me on an adventure or to get a snack or whatever.

11. Be ready for an adventure. One of the choicest things I was able to capture this past winter after God granted me more time with my dog was his face when we rode in the car. I grab the leash, attach it, and he's stoked. He would head right for the door and go out into the world. After I rolled the window down in the car, he would put his head just behind the head rest, pleased as punch, and sniff and look and take it all in, wherever we went. I think we're too slow sometimes to get up from our comfortable position, but no matter the temperature or conditions or time of day, when he felt well, he would jump up and go with me, especially if he caught evidence that we were going outside the property boundaries.

12. Driving is best with the window down. I loved watching his ears blow in the wind as it blew past him. You miss a lot of the experience when you drive with the windows up. The sights are dimmed, the smells are blocked, and the pure physical pleasures of speed, sun, and wind vanish in the climate control. It also helped cool him naturally since beagles pant in order to cool off, so moving air helped.

13. Double check before settling down. Everyone with a dog has probably seen them circle before they plop down in place. I think if I were more circumspect about my surroundings I might avoid pain, avoid people, and avoid circumstances that would have or did cause me discomfort. I have rip marks in my jeans from his nails when he rearranged the clothing to be a better condition for him, either because it wasn't cushioning enough or so that he could prop his head up on something and see me from where he sat.

14. Accept any attention, particularly to your head and back. Every morning when I came home from exercising, I would go in and scratch his head and rub his back. He would close his eyes, breathe rhythmically, and purr sometimes with pure pleasure. I remember the last time I had a back rub. in fact, I pay to have my haircut sometimes just to have someone run their fingers through my hair. Physical touch conveys emotions in a way that no other sensation can. If you get attention to your head and back, it is usually not too sensual, but it just might provide the sensation you need to feel better or convey love in the way you actually need.

15. Two of the best things in life are chicken and cheese. Towards the end of his life, my beagle became a particularly picky eater. I gave him chicken every day for the last few months to first of all make sure he ate but also to show him that I cared about him. He also really liked the taste of cheese. I always let him lick the bowl/plate in this last year if he desired to, and I threw him pieces of my food that he found delicious. Life is something you should enjoy, and so I gave him some of his favorites so that eating would be a better experience and to show how much I cared.

My beagle may die any minute. Every day I leave the house, I wonder if it is the last time I'm saying goodbye, petting him, and rubbing his head. He can't hear me, but I tell him how much I love him. Every night when I get home, I wonder if I'm going to find his lifeless body. He has lived a pretty good life. Sure, it's a dog's life, but what's wrong with a dog's life? He has someone to care for him, food when he needs it, a comfortable place to sleep, and regular company. He has been worth every bit of cost to me, yes even marrying my ex wife without whom I would have never had a dog let alone this one. Without that, I never would have met him. Without that, he never would have had a good life, and he never would have been such a blessing that enriched mine. After class tonight, I'll pick up burgers to share with him again for Valentine's Day, hope he is still with me, and then walk him, eat with him, and snuggle with him if he's interested. He made my life better. I have tried to make this past year a great year for him too. Thank you, Lord, for the love of Dog, the love of my dog.