I Literally Started a Movement

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In a previous post, I mentioned that I've taken to walks during the day with a load on my back that lifted my metabolism. This week, it dawned on me that my example may have inspired other people to follow my lead. Over the last few months, I have noticed several people out in the hallways in places far from their offices who don't seem to be going anywhere in particular, and it shows. During that same time interval, several people drew my attention to the fact that it has borne fruit for me, and so perhaps these people decided it could bear fruit for them too. Even Nordictrac is on this bandwagon, as several advertisements of late claim you can "walk off the weight". Apparently you can and we are. Also, even my strange dietary behaviors inspired others, as one told me today to my face.

Starting in September, the State of Nevada initiated a campaign to walk 150 miles for the state's 150th anniversary. That's not tough to do in 30 days, but they promised additional albeit as yet unspecified rewards for the top 150 performers, and so I decided to see just how much I could actually do. In order to accomplish this, I strap a backpack full of outdated textbooks on my back weighing 25lbs and walk just shy of a mile in 15 minutes, going up and down stairs and back and forth in the hallways. Only a few weeks passed before I saw the first other person doing the same thing on break. She crossed my path far too often to be random, and eventually it evinced the fact that she was walking a circuit. Then, people from other departments joined suit, including a few from my own. Yesterday at the department office, I saw a woman from astronomy who looked dressed to be outside, and she told me she was out walking, inspired by my example. All in all, there are at least six of us, and I have students interested in the same thing, these people having seen how much I have transformed in the last two months.

Many people have noticed that it made a huge difference. The first person to notice was the Dean's secretary who asked me what I'd done to lose so much weight. Then a geology professor, then some students, and then a young lady who refused to date me because I wasn't fit enough all joined the throng. Back during the summer, I was working out eight hours per week. Now, when you add up the walks during break, the walk I take during lunch, and the hour I spend after I get home each night walking up the hill with a similar load, and I spent twenty hours per week exercising. I am now in better physical shape than I ever have been. Although I have been skinnier, I have better endurance, more energy, more strength, more conditioning, and a better physique that now turns heads when we go out since I can actually tuck in my shirt without looking like I'm pregnant like so many men we see. One of the geology professors was interested in walking to lose weight but opined she didn't have time when another professor reminded her that I make time and suggested that she join me for my walks.

They say that health begins by taking small steps and then by taking as many of them as you can. The biggest difference is to actually get moving. Keep going as fast as you can for as long as you can, and eventually your body will raise your metabolic rate. When I sleep, I burn 80kcal/hour; now I'm conditioned to burn 100-120 kcal/hour when I'm awake in case my body has to do something. The regular trips amount to stoking the fire to be ready, and my body burns more so that it is ready to go if I ask it to. Despite all of the other people out there trying to encourage you to change, despite the FLOTUS' program "Let's Move", we don't really see changes in the nation. However, I see changes in my own sphere of influence. You see, Dieter Uchtdorf admonished us to lift where we stand, and so I'm doing what I can to inspire others around me to better their lives. The Dean's secretary isn't willing to do it, and some people may not have time or energy after work to do as much as I, but the point is to get going. Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and if you do a little each day, it builds up to great harvest.

We have no idea what others may see and take as their own inspiration. A geography professor told me today that I inspired her with my vegetable grazing during the day. For many years, professors have mocked me, including the dean, for eating what amounts to an unassembled salad during the day. However, this professor today told me that she tried it for a week and found that it not only kept her full during the day but also gave her more energy. She showed me her bowl which had strawberries and spinach leaves and carrot slices and told me how much she enjoyed doing this. I still have to cut chocolate out of my diet, but if this professor can get abs for the first time in her life at 50, if I cut out chocolate, maybe I can too. We are now enough in number that we inspire one another. People followed my lead, and we are all more fit now because we got moving.

I still don't have a six pack, and I'm still not top shelf in the looks department. However, I feel better. I wasn't really working out to make women swoon anyway. Some people work out to impress others, but I'm the type who works out in order to achieve another kind of goal. I did this because I want to be available and useful to God if He asks me to do something that seems beyond my reach. You see, the more you do, the more you know you can do, and so my fitness regimen helped me overcome the psychological barriers that prevent people from the endurance tests of life. Sometimes I struggle to get out of bed, and there are days when my legs burn from the exertion level when I burn 5000 kcal or more in a day. However, I like walking up stairs without being out of breath and being able to run without my shins hurting and having to buy pants with a smaller waist on Black Friday because the ones I bought last year are too big this year. When I started moving, I had no idea that I would inspire others to follow my lead, but I have seen others join, and I bet they will one day be able to say similar things about their own health, endurance, and conditioning. If I had known all I had to do to get back into shape was to walk around as fast as I could while wearing a backpack, I would have started this years ago (and probably not done it as many hours per day), but I am fit enough even though I'm not supersexy to qualify for military fitness standards, and that's quite an accomplishment.

If you do today what others won't, tomorrow you'll be able to do what others can't. --unknown

Headphones Off

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I walk a lot more than I used to, and I see that almost everyone has their headphones on. This concerns me. It makes them completely unaware of their surroundings so that they are likely to get intro trouble. It also prevents real communication and communion with the world around them. Our devices are so ubiquitous that we no longer talk to and know about people around us while we festoon our walls with pictures and posts from "friends" we have never met. Step by step our lives become more URL than IRL as we lose the ability to be present.

Many things happen around us that we miss out on when our ears are full of electronic devices. While I exercise and talk to God or look across the valley and marvel at the snow capped peak of Mt. Charleston, I hear people on the road listening to noise that's turned up so loudly that I get to hear the profanity-laced lyrics. They don't notice things by the way that I do. Sometimes humans bring their music with them into the wilderness, and on several occasions, my buddy and I noticed that nature grows silent when they come while it continues uninterrupted in our presence. It's dissonant to nature, but we do it anyway, almost as if we don't want to be part of our surroundings. When our minds are not on where we are, on what we are doing, we miss the chance to see sunsets, to count falling stars, to look at the wildflowers, and to see rodents stuff their cheeks with nuts. There is an amazing world out there, but we like to be distracted from it.

When I start each term, I ask students to avoid using their phones and devices during class. First off, they are distractions. Secondly, they are disruptions. I have been to events where people communicate more with people who are elsewhere than with the people in the room. I consider this offensive, and so I try to not check my phone in meetings, on dates, at church, etc., because it's rude to prioritize people who are elsewhere when someone else has claim on my time and attention. My phone has gone off in class exactly twice, once in grad school and once since then. I remember Dr. Hunter say snarkily, "Are we keeping you from something?" and I brought an ice cream cake as penance to the lab class where it went off while I taught.

Perhaps the most worrisome for me is the number of people whose headphones keep them from situational awareness. Although I haven't seen anything happen, I could see someone being hurt, raped, or killed, because they were not aware. I came up behind a young fellow one morning who didn't know I was there because his music was so loud until he saw my shadow. Fortunately for him, I didn't want anything from him besides the right to pass, but I watch lots of young women in particular out in the dusk hours with earphones jammed in their ears, oblivious to the world around them. You could hurt yourself or allow someone else to hurt you. It concerns me deeply.

I know that people like to surround themselves with comforts and create a world they enjoy. Maybe we don't like what's out there, but it will not matter if we don't like it when it decides to set its sight on us. Headphones do not make you, as one song insists, invincible as much as they make you isolated. Headphones allow only one message through to your brain, the one you have in your pocket. So long as that's a good message, a harmonious message, an uplifting message, etc., it can be good, but it is not necessarily good to cut off all other competing voices. God's voice is quiet and calm, and it becomes difficult to hear among the constant and consistent competition of the devil's dissonance. In a more immediate way, it cuts you off to context clues about your surroundings that you may need to make good choices, putting you in danger physically, spiritually, ecumenically, and even grammatically. By the way, we encounter people all the time, people who need our help, people who need a smile, and people who offer us something of benefit. last night, I was so absorbed in my own thoughts, despite not having headphones, that I didn't register what some young lady said to me in the parking lot until it was too late to help. I know sometimes you don't want to be bothered. What if the roles were reversed?

Tigger Tie

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A few weeks from now, we will have a church conference, which means it's time for my conference tie. Unlike other people there, who will dress down comfortably or dress up more to impress the "visiting authority" whoever that proves to be, I will wear my Tigger Tie. The reason for it is simple. Conference is sometimes difficult for me. They will usually talk about things that don't apply to me, and since there will be plenty of other people to whom it doesn't apply either, I'll wear the Tigger Tie to entertain them.

I first wore the Tigger Tie to conference on accident. At the end of Conference, I felt a tug at the bottom of my sport coat. Since I was alone, I didn't expect anyone to talk to me let alone tug at my clothing to get my attention. When I turned to address the petitioner, it turned out to be a small boy who, at the encouragement of his mother, came to tell me that he liked my tie. I make it a point to wear it to conference, because the children recognize that, and if their parents are wise there is a lesson in Tigger. Even if they don't get anything out of Conference, since most of the remarks are addressed at parents, they can look at the tie and take something away from it.

Tigger has always been my favorite character from the Hundred Acre Wood, at least as far back as I recollect. He represents an attitude towards life that appeals to children and inspires the mind. Although he is all about fun, Tigger is into harmless fun and frolic. He enjoys whatever he's doing. He is comfortable with himself. He likes who he is. That is something that too few of us can say as humans. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Tigger loves adventure. Tigger doesn't leave the other animals in the Hundred Acre Wood, and he tries to be helpful.

For me, Tigger represents a good attitude towards life to show children. Far too often, we stop acting true to ourselves as we grow and change to please the jury. Very few of us like our own company. Very few of us can entertain ourselves or find pleasure in the simple joys of life. Tigger makes for a good companion. He encourages without pushing. He uplifts without denigrating others. He has a spring in his step and in his attitude. Children who recognize him associate that with cartoons and stories that they enjoy, and there is something positive for them in conference.

Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and give that tie to that little boy, but if I had, I couldn't keep up this tradition. Periodically, when children in rows in front of me turn around, they recognize the character from stories, and then they pay attention to me. I am certain the adults wish they would pay attention to the remarks, but let's be honest about how likely that is. Nobody seems upset about the fact that I do this, and at least it gets them to do something besides play with electronic gadgets, if only for a few minutes, and reminds them of a true joy in life. We could use more of the good things from childhood in our lives, and we could all use a little more joy.

Forgiving Yourself

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When I was younger, I was critical of people in other Faiths because it seemed to me they blithely forgave themselves when they were less than contrite. As a compensatory mechanism, I became loathe to forgive myself so as to not appear among their ilk. Consequently, I became very critical of myself and intemperate of my own weaknesses. At least in my case, I am my own worst critic.

The atonement requires of us that we forgive all men of their trespasses. That includes forgiving ourselves. Maybe we hesitate because we don't understand. Maybe we hesitate because we don't believe. Maybe we hesitate because we know ourselves, and we don't desire to give ourselves a pass when we fear we might make the same mistake again. I think that we did ourselves a disservice when we made people think that the atonement is difficult. It was difficult for Christ. it is easy for us. It's easy to tell when we can forgive ourselves. "By this ye shall know if a man repenteth of his sins, behold he will confess them and FORSAKE THEM (emphasis added)." The issue is not that we might one day be dragged back. The issue is not that we made a mistake. The issue is that we genuinely take to a path that leads us to become better people.

Mistakes are always attended with mercy. My hiking buddy pointed out one day that one indicator he sees that says I'd make a good father is that I dont' expect children to act like me. I tell my students each term that I don't judge them compared to me. I judge their work compared to what first year college chemistry students should know. I know that when you are learning, learning matters more than achievement. I don't expect them to be perfect. I do expect them to improve.

Improve when you can, and hold your ground when you get there. I care far more about where a person is headed than where he stands today. However, I hold myself to a different standard, and I almost demand perfection of myself. I know I know better, and I am loathe and slow to allow the atonement to work in my own life even if I'm better today. All I know is that yesterday I was less than I ought to be. Although it's fallacy, I like to judge my past self based on present information, which is unfair to myself, unfair to Christ, and unfair to any of you who draw inspiration from my example. I am an ordinary man. I need Christ the same as you.

Forgiving myself is hard. Although I feel in my heart that God approves of who I am and what I do by and large, I will be humble, for I know my weaknesses. I do not need other people to point them out. I am acutely aware of the fact that I feel like a cracked pot. I feel like a poor player. I have no gifts to give. Some of us do not know how to forgive ourselves. Some of us forgive themselves too quickly, which isn't forgiveness at all as much as it's allowance, permission, and rationalization. While forgiveness isn't simply recitation of a prayer or some verses, it is an easy thing. We want it to be hard. We want it to be direct. We want it to be something we do and then go back to doing whatever we want. Forgiveness requires us to change our direction, and those of us who think too much sometimes overthink what we "might" do in the future and ignore what we did in the moment.

When I was a young man, Blaine Yorgason changed my life dramatically and inspired me to go confess to my bishop. I took a legal notepad as Blaine recounted, wrote them all down, and then I went to see my ecclesiastical leader. I will always remember what he told me. He told me that I shouldn't worry so much. He compared me to the fine tuning on a radio (which tells you a little about how long ago this was). As you get close to where you want to be, as God's love refines your soul,  there are many fine adjustments to be made. In more recent years, I have realized that as you get closer to refinement you realize just how much further you have to go. Also in that time, as I have been venom on myself, I have been merciful to others. People continue to notice the motes in my eye, and I do want to remove those damnable spots, and so I let their dissonance dim my disposition and degrade my demeanor until I deem myself damnable. In that way, I'm become a self-fulfilling prophecy to some degree.

Christ taught us that with the judgment we judge we shall be judged. Most people apply that only to how they judge others. While it certainly encompasses that, it also includes how we judge ourselves. We ought remember that mercy and forgiveness apply to us too. We ought to remember that God delights to bless us. We ought to remember that we are loved. We ought to remember that it's ok to be human, that we will make mistakes. We ought to beware not to let our mistakes make us. It doesn't do us any good to pay indulgences, recite Hail Mary and then return to the mire. If we want to be clean, we need to go somewhere else and be someone else than we were before. The devil would have you believe that if you mess up that nobody will want you, that you cannot possibly get back into God's good grace, and that you have no options. The Gospel was good news because it taught us that through Christ we can become new people and truly put the past behind us. I often tell my friends that "if 'I the Lord remember them no more' is good enough for God with those who repent, it ought to be good enough for us" even when we screw up and make mistakes. Mistakes are always attended with mercy, even when you make them. God loves you too. If Christ was wounded for our transgressions, then He also heals us, yes you too.

Forgive yourself when it's the right thing to do. I feel forgiven of God for my mistakes, but it did help to go to my bishop and have him give me direction. Bishop Aaron gave me guidance, and I followed it for almost a decade, long after the period of penance passed. Eventually, I asked God one day if I needed to keep acting on that counsel, and He let me know that I had fulfilled the obligation. If you lack wisdom, ask God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given you. If you're not sure, engage one of His shepherds to guide you so that when anyone asks you can respond with confidence that you stand in good grace with both God and man.

Turmoil in Distant Lands

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People routinely mock me for the efforts I take to prepare for what may come. They tell me that I should enjoy today and live it up because today may be all we have. Maybe they're right, but if they're wrong and we have hard days ahead, the attitude of the fable grasshopper about how the world owes us a living won't help us weather the storm. You hear the stories about famine, war, disease, terror, etc. abroad? You think those things won't happen here? I hope you're right.

I would be happy to be wrong in many instances. If I have decided to learn skills as if all the gadgets on whom the rising generation became reliant suddenly cease to exist or to grow my own food or to live on my own, forage for myself, and provide for myself in the wilderness are folly and I never need to know them, that will be a happy day. However, it would be foolish and arrogant of me to assume that this generation MUST be able to kick the can further down the road. It would be despotic of me to burden my offspring with that obligation when I am able to do something about it today. I am not a fool, and I think that we will be the generation that has to pay the piper.

Americans have a huge issue with their unwillingness to sacrifice. We don't want to go to war unless we can win quickly. We don't want to get involved unless all we have to do is march arm in arm down the street or mail in a cheque. If it costs us too much, we are oh so unwilling to sacrifice. Fortunately for us, we don't usually have to. America produces the lion's share of what people in this world actually NEED (food), and so we will be one of the last nations to notice the dearth of our day. However, financial, civil, and health turmoil continue to envelope the globe, and the oceans are no longer enough to protect us, particularly given Obama's lax border policy.

Mark my words, turmoil will come here. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but it will come soon, and it may last the rest of your life. The day may come when we forget Tang, dental floss, microwave ovens, cell phones, TiVO, ad infinitum because we are too busy trying to feed and protect our own families. That's the condition of the lion's share of people in the world, and our time may come. Happy will be the man who has put away some for the future and who knows how to do something to provide for his family. In the apocalypse, nobody will care about entrepreneurs, architects, college professors, computer engineers and the like. In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.

Although I hate cliches as a rule, I believe it's better to be prepared and not need to be than to need something for which you didn't prepare. The great majority of people in my zip code live paycheck to paycheck; many of them are completely reliant on government in some way. Even if they were interested in preparation, they may not have space or fundage with which to accomplish that feat beyond a 72H kit. If something happens, they will be desperate to find food and fuel for their families. They will do whatever it takes, even if it's illegal, unethical, and immoral. Moreover, they will demand that I share with them when some of them have been villainous towards me while the rest ignored me completely. How convenient that my charity is the only charity that counts! For the past several years, I've looked to turn my house into a refuge, not only for the mind, but also for the body. I stocked the pantry, planted a garden eastward towards Eden, learned to do a few things, and made a plan. Even the government thinks you should (go to www.ready.gov). I wonder sometimes if they want you to prepare so they know whose homes to raid when things get tough! Even if you have a 72H kit, that's something. I've had one of those ever since we lived in Florida when I was a teenager.

When the rubber hits the road, you are the only person on whom you can reliably depend. What you have and what you do and what you are will be all that you can expect to help you in the moment of trial. Turmoil will come here. Maybe it won't reach you. Maybe it will come in another generation. If I'm wrong, I will be glad. I refuse to let the flowery language of the parliament jesters in congress calm me like it does the somnambulent public. I am glad I don't have ebola. I am glad I'm not upside down in my house. I expect some day that the pirate's code will apply for most people, and I'm doing what I can to prepare for that day.

I know I can't do everything, but I do what I can. I trust that if the day comes God will smile upon the preparations I made and augment my paltry efforts. Maybe He will send an Elijah to multiply my oil and meal. I do this as a show of faith in His warnings, of faith in His promises, and of faith in His ability to make more of me than I can make of myself. I am trying to set my spiritual self right before Him so that I have claim on His promises when the situation grows dire. I am trying to prepare in the ways I can conceive. I urge you to do the same. Happy will be the man who, when the Master comes to His field, is found ready.

When all is said and done, the most important thing you can do is to repent. Behind all the storms of mortality, beyond all the bloodshed and conflict among men, there is a greater battle for the souls of men being fought beyond this world. Some of the righteous will be called home immediately; unfortunately for the wicked, some of them will be too. If you do not survive but have drawn close to Christ before He calls you home, you will feel better in God's presence. If you survive and have Christ's assistance, you will be able to help Him feed His sheep. Whatever happens, God is really what we need. Repent, all ye ends of the earth!  Set your homes and your hearts right so that they are fit abode for Him Who Knoweth All Things, and then you will have courage whatever storms mount.

Old Family Memes

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Before I even knew what a meme was, my family established a few of our own. Last Friday at work, one of them actually saved my life. We used to joke about it all the time as a reaction, and although I changed my programmed responses to things more appropriate to my own tastes and proclivities, the old ones remain. From time to time, my sister and I, despite being separated by hundreds of miles, exchange movie lines and memes and remember good times.

Let's start with the one that saved my life, because it could help you too. As part of my new work responsibilities, I'm setting the chemical stockroom in order for Spring term. The position has been vacant for several months, and the intermediary caretakers probably handled only what necessity dictated. I am looking at and into everything. I touched a bottle, unwisely without gloves, of 10M Nitric Acid. It immediately started to burn my right hand between the bottom of the index finger and the thumb. I shoved the hand under water and then buried it into a box of baking soda. Subconsciously I knew this would buffer the acid and help to neutralize it. The acid fumed up, like the volcano experiment of our youth, and for a time I wondered if I'd made a mistake. As the foam subsided, the pain grew, but by the end of the day, my hand was just a firetruck red and didn't hurt unless I put pressure on the wound. I told my parents on Sunday that it popped into my mind right after it happened how we used to say "put baking soda on it" whenever someone was hurt, and that turned out to be the perfect advice.

Just as they do for young people today, memes helped me make friends and maintain family connections. When I started college, I discovered only one person I knew from high school was there too, and she wasn't someone I knew well. I made friends because I knew quotes from two different movies that were popular in our age bracket. Most of my quiet evenings that I share with family involve the swapping of memes and movie quotes. Even when we have nobody around, and at times when we feel lonely in the company of strangers, something about these helps us feel connected, that someone knows what's on our mind and what it means to us.

Almost every significant event of my life is tied to the seminal meme of my youth- The Princess Bride. This cult classic film provided me with friends in high school, introduced me to the woman I married, and now helps me find meaning in the losses I suffered. Even after my burn, lines from that movie came to mind: "Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid or something like that?" Why yes, now I have been. Although it's been many years since I actually watched it, my family keeps it alive in my life with gifts each year from T-shirts to Cary Ewles' memoir, etc.

The word meme is related to memory. We tie things we like to remember to something that easily evokes them. I've had a good life. Some of the episodes were violent or upsetting or exceptionally difficult. I have failed battles of wit, been defeated by verbal fencing masters and driven into the fire swamps of the mind. Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head. Maybe some day someone will say "as you wish" to me and mean it like Wesley did, for time and all eternity.

My Word is My Bond

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Outside Enterprise, UT there is a plot of land into which I poured my blood, sweat, and money, and I did all of this because I promised that I would. You see, I agreed with some folks to help them plant an orchard so that they could keep their homestead or else lose the land. Even though their daughter had dumped me, I remember telling the parents that I would fulfill my promise because if it was the right thing to do then that it was still the right thing to do. I don't know if they lost the land. I don't know what they have or what they're doing. What I do know is that my integrity is all I really have.

When I make a promise, I believe myself capable of keeping it and hold myself to doing whatever I can to make it so. For the construction of this orchard, I spent several weekends and several thousands of dollars digging holes, filling them with the right dirt, surveying the site to align them, and preparing for planting. I even broke my wrist digging holes, and when the whole thing was said and done, I walked away from the place and never returned. If you look at it on Mapquest, you can see even today the holes I dug and the trees that survived. I keep my word. More recently, I spent a great deal of money making something right. I told someone that I cared and that if they told me what to do, I would make it right. I have no objective in mind besides to let them know that I really mean it.

Most people I discovered do not actually mean it. They mean it if and only if things meet certain albeit unspoken conditions. Sometimes I discover that something I promise cannot actually be done. The path may be illegal, unethical, or immoral. Sometimes the terms are not kept by the other party. I don't think I'm obligated, but sometimes, like I did last month and like I mentioned in the story from five years ago, I go ahead and live up to my word anyway. It really doesn't matter if they mean it or if they remember it well or if they think well of me afterwards. I meant it. I kept it. That's all there is to it.

Although I have my faults, I really do desire to do good and keep my word. I have no real gifts to bring. I live comfortably but not handsomely. I am not really all that smart. I do not have any connections, and the ones I have proved either unable or unwilling to help me when push came to shove. Since I know that intentions mean a lot less than actions, even when it doesn't seem to make a difference anymore, I will often still go and keep my word. I don't do this for those people. I do it to be true to myself. Most of the people who left my life probably villainize me. That's ok. I know the rest of the story.

At the end of the day, no matter what people think of us, the truth of who we really are remains. Some people will love us, and some will detest us, but we are part of our own jury. I do not think that we will be comfortable after judgment living in a world that we know in our hearts doesn't really fit us. We will be comfortable if and only if what we receive truly fits who we are. People are comfortable with people like them. As time passes, our conscience eats at us for the things we left undone, for all the things we know we should have left undone, and for all the good parts of us that are done. Our actual disposition is not a popularity contest. Marc Antony was right when he said that the evil that men do lives after them. Eventually what goes around comes around.

When all the money, fame, titles, accomplishments, and metrics measured by men vanish, our integrity remains. Our word is our bond. It determines how, when, about what, and to what degree people interface with us. When they discover we can be trusted, they transact more with us. When they discover we are untrustworthy, they rightly withdraw. Even when others prove untrustworthy, we can still keep our word and prove to ourselves that we have value. I don't know what else really matters. I have made so many decisions that look stupid, not because the choice was bad but because the information was bad. I act on the information I have. I want others to be able to rest easy in the choices they make based on what representations I give. I know I'm not perfect. I desire to be better.

While Time Remains

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Odysseus is tempted by the Syrens in the greek tragedy to seek after things of no worth while there was still time, but there are things for which little time remains. I left town last Thursday to join my parents in visiting all of my living grandparents before they die. You see, given health concerns, age, and odds, we doubt any of them will live to see the next new year. Interestingly enough, they all had things to say to me by way of praise, and I am glad that I went. When my paternal grandfather died four years ago in April, I felt peace because I had visited him and communicated with him while I could. Although there are things I'd like to ask him, I know that the time we have with those we love is precious.

We should never assume that the people about whom we care know how we feel but should let them know. All of my grandparents told me how much they loved me, that they respected me, and that I had "always been good to them". While that last one isn't necessarily true, I think they meant more about my time as an adult when I finally appreciated them. My paternal grandmother thanks me regularly for calling, visiting, and writing letters back to her, particularly because other grandchildren never do. It has been said that if there are good things to say that they should be said whilst someone yet lives and not wait until the funeral. In large part, that's why I lionize them periodically on this blog, because I was born into a good family. The more people I meet, the more I thank God for the parents I have!

At my grandpa's funeral, there were many cousins who lived closer who regretted not visiting more often. Although I travel to the area infrequently, when I made my biannual trip, I stopped in for a visit however briefly. I even put up with the gentle and tender albeit regular chastisement about the fact that I have a beard. Unlike some of the women I date, my grandparents opined my facial hair and then left as what might be their final words to me a bit of praise. If I had known, I would have recorded it, but it didn't strike me until I was driving back in the dark while my parents slept in the car how much I'd like to have their words.

Shakespeare taught us that "life is but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour on stage and is heard no more". Well, I don't subscribe to the image entirely, but our time on earth and in this life IS finite. For this reason, it's so important to tell people the truth, to love as much and as well as you can manage, and to repent as frequently as possible. This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God. I'm not sure how prepared I am, and I'm not sure how well my grandparents will do, but it's a harbinger to us to use the time we have left. All of you probably have more than a year. Some of you don't, and that will be sad.

Back in August 2013, when someone I loved was taken from me, I wrote the following: "People come into our lives sometimes only for a season. Sometimes that season is shorter than we'd like." I still don't know why these things must be, and although I don't think everything is so we can learn to appreciate what we have, every loss does at least serve that purpose. They remind us what we have, what really matters to us, and that we sometimes don't realize what we have until it is taken from us. For those of you who still have time, use 2015 wisely. It is a time of turmoil and uncertainty. Now is the time to prepare for what may come. Now is the time to prepare to meet God, because you WILL. Sometimes that scares me, but I also know that He talks to me and sends me messages, and I draw confidence from that because He does not strive with men who have no chance. At least I still have one. I shall strive to be better in that aspect in 2015.

Feedback and Flashbacks

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Although this year wasn't fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, in 2014, I became the best me that I've possibly ever been. Last Sunday, I wore a suit to church that I haven't worn since I returned from my missionary service over a decade ago. This means that, although I have more mass, I am in better fitness in any way than I ever have been, and I actually have the Fitbit to thank for this. It gave me the feedback I needed to get back to a better me.

When the state initially forced me to wear the Fitbit and track my activity, I wasn't happy. I felt that this gave no allowance for effort and only for success. I know far too many instances where people do not account for effort and adjudicate you as insufficient when you don't meet their expectations. Since sainthood is impossible, they make you scapegoat. However, when I started to see what I actually accomplished, it gave me direction and feedback in order to meet goals. On days when I reached 50% of my calories by lunch, I worried less. On days when I arrived home just barely shy, it told me how much more to do, and when I exceeded my goal, it allowed me to relax and not worry. I even managed to lose 18 pounds since 1 July 2014. More importantly, on Black Friday I went to buy new pants because the old ones no longer fit. A few weeks back, after my pants ripped on a hike, my buddy loaned me his. I feel good fitting into clothing worn by a man 30 pounds lighter than I.

Feedback gave me focus to reach my goals. As I look back at 2014, although it wasn't a particularly stellar year, it was a good one. Nothing bad happened. In every facet I control, my life got better. I didn't end the year with as much money as previous years, but I did buy a newer car and did some landscaping, things I had put off for years due to fiduciary concerns. I moved to a better job, and although it's more work and no more pay, I think I'll enjoy work more. At least I won't be the departmental whipping boy anymore. Almost all the problems created while married to my ex wife have now disappeared, and I'm an even better specimen than I was.

It felt really good to fit into the vestments that attest to achievements of yesteryear. Most people would love to get back to their high school fitness level, and I basically achieved that. All I did was start paying attention. First I felt the Fitbit was a punishment, but today as I logged activity, I thanked God for this most recent blessing disguised as a trial. If not for the Fitbit, I probably would not have made as much progress. Even people who saw me frequently like my students noticed, and people who hadn't seen me for months noticed how I lost my "pudge" and look way better.

Recognition is the first step to reformation. Sometimes it takes someone or something to point out where we are in order for us to right ourselves. At the end of 2014, I was very aware, acutely so, of my weaknesses and of how far I still need to go. I have been told and read about the fact that the closer we come to perfection the more we realize how far off it remains. Like I wrote last week, perhaps it is fitting that just before we set goals for the new year we think about the Savior, in and through whom we reach reformation. I don't always like the things He brings, but I know that He is the Gardener here, and if He cut me low it has a purpose.

As I prayed today, I practiced a little more submissiveness to a wiser perspective than my own through His eyes. In the past, the things taken from me eventually revealed ways in which they would harm me if I continued holding to them, and if the things taken from me this year or denied me despite my earnest and honest prayers led to that same potential ruin, I thank God for protecting me from them. Sometimes we need to honestly discover things about ourselves, even things we don't want to see, so that we can decide to change them and lead ourselves closer to the kind of people we truly desire to be. I wish there was a spiritual Fitbit to give me the same kind of metrics. I think that if I had one I might be as motivated to invest efforts into myself that way as well.

If I harmed you in 2014 or any time before that, I ask your forgiveness. I am not perfect. I am an ordinary man. One reason I write this blog is so that you can learn to be wiser than I. I meant well, but I know that you are affected more by my actions than by my intentions, and so if I have hurt you, I will do what I can to make things right. If it is legal, ethical, and moral and also something that is right for me, I invite you to give me feedback so that we can get back to the good status we once enjoyed. Maybe we can't get back to our high school naivete or repair all breaches, but if you meant something to me then, you do now, and I will continue to pray for you even if we part ways for all time. I truly desire to be a better person, not just physically, and I hope that when my years are ended that God will accept my best.