Although this year wasn't fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, in 2014, I became the best me that I've possibly ever been. Last Sunday, I wore a suit to church that I haven't worn since I returned from my missionary service over a decade ago. This means that, although I have more mass, I am in better fitness in any way than I ever have been, and I actually have the Fitbit to thank for this. It gave me the feedback I needed to get back to a better me.
When the state initially forced me to wear the Fitbit and track my activity, I wasn't happy. I felt that this gave no allowance for effort and only for success. I know far too many instances where people do not account for effort and adjudicate you as insufficient when you don't meet their expectations. Since sainthood is impossible, they make you scapegoat. However, when I started to see what I actually accomplished, it gave me direction and feedback in order to meet goals. On days when I reached 50% of my calories by lunch, I worried less. On days when I arrived home just barely shy, it told me how much more to do, and when I exceeded my goal, it allowed me to relax and not worry. I even managed to lose 18 pounds since 1 July 2014. More importantly, on Black Friday I went to buy new pants because the old ones no longer fit. A few weeks back, after my pants ripped on a hike, my buddy loaned me his. I feel good fitting into clothing worn by a man 30 pounds lighter than I.
Feedback gave me focus to reach my goals. As I look back at 2014, although it wasn't a particularly stellar year, it was a good one. Nothing bad happened. In every facet I control, my life got better. I didn't end the year with as much money as previous years, but I did buy a newer car and did some landscaping, things I had put off for years due to fiduciary concerns. I moved to a better job, and although it's more work and no more pay, I think I'll enjoy work more. At least I won't be the departmental whipping boy anymore. Almost all the problems created while married to my ex wife have now disappeared, and I'm an even better specimen than I was.
It felt really good to fit into the vestments that attest to achievements of yesteryear. Most people would love to get back to their high school fitness level, and I basically achieved that. All I did was start paying attention. First I felt the Fitbit was a punishment, but today as I logged activity, I thanked God for this most recent blessing disguised as a trial. If not for the Fitbit, I probably would not have made as much progress. Even people who saw me frequently like my students noticed, and people who hadn't seen me for months noticed how I lost my "pudge" and look way better.
Recognition is the first step to reformation. Sometimes it takes someone or something to point out where we are in order for us to right ourselves. At the end of 2014, I was very aware, acutely so, of my weaknesses and of how far I still need to go. I have been told and read about the fact that the closer we come to perfection the more we realize how far off it remains. Like I wrote last week, perhaps it is fitting that just before we set goals for the new year we think about the Savior, in and through whom we reach reformation. I don't always like the things He brings, but I know that He is the Gardener here, and if He cut me low it has a purpose.
As I prayed today, I practiced a little more submissiveness to a wiser perspective than my own through His eyes. In the past, the things taken from me eventually revealed ways in which they would harm me if I continued holding to them, and if the things taken from me this year or denied me despite my earnest and honest prayers led to that same potential ruin, I thank God for protecting me from them. Sometimes we need to honestly discover things about ourselves, even things we don't want to see, so that we can decide to change them and lead ourselves closer to the kind of people we truly desire to be. I wish there was a spiritual Fitbit to give me the same kind of metrics. I think that if I had one I might be as motivated to invest efforts into myself that way as well.
If I harmed you in 2014 or any time before that, I ask your forgiveness. I am not perfect. I am an ordinary man. One reason I write this blog is so that you can learn to be wiser than I. I meant well, but I know that you are affected more by my actions than by my intentions, and so if I have hurt you, I will do what I can to make things right. If it is legal, ethical, and moral and also something that is right for me, I invite you to give me feedback so that we can get back to the good status we once enjoyed. Maybe we can't get back to our high school naivete or repair all breaches, but if you meant something to me then, you do now, and I will continue to pray for you even if we part ways for all time. I truly desire to be a better person, not just physically, and I hope that when my years are ended that God will accept my best.
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