When I was younger, I was critical of people in other Faiths because it seemed to me they blithely forgave themselves when they were less than contrite. As a compensatory mechanism, I became loathe to forgive myself so as to not appear among their ilk. Consequently, I became very critical of myself and intemperate of my own weaknesses. At least in my case, I am my own worst critic.
The atonement requires of us that we forgive all men of their trespasses. That includes forgiving ourselves. Maybe we hesitate because we don't understand. Maybe we hesitate because we don't believe. Maybe we hesitate because we know ourselves, and we don't desire to give ourselves a pass when we fear we might make the same mistake again. I think that we did ourselves a disservice when we made people think that the atonement is difficult. It was difficult for Christ. it is easy for us. It's easy to tell when we can forgive ourselves. "By this ye shall know if a man repenteth of his sins, behold he will confess them and FORSAKE THEM (emphasis added)." The issue is not that we might one day be dragged back. The issue is not that we made a mistake. The issue is that we genuinely take to a path that leads us to become better people.
Mistakes are always attended with mercy. My hiking buddy pointed out one day that one indicator he sees that says I'd make a good father is that I dont' expect children to act like me. I tell my students each term that I don't judge them compared to me. I judge their work compared to what first year college chemistry students should know. I know that when you are learning, learning matters more than achievement. I don't expect them to be perfect. I do expect them to improve.
Improve when you can, and hold your ground when you get there. I care far more about where a person is headed than where he stands today. However, I hold myself to a different standard, and I almost demand perfection of myself. I know I know better, and I am loathe and slow to allow the atonement to work in my own life even if I'm better today. All I know is that yesterday I was less than I ought to be. Although it's fallacy, I like to judge my past self based on present information, which is unfair to myself, unfair to Christ, and unfair to any of you who draw inspiration from my example. I am an ordinary man. I need Christ the same as you.
Forgiving myself is hard. Although I feel in my heart that God approves of who I am and what I do by and large, I will be humble, for I know my weaknesses. I do not need other people to point them out. I am acutely aware of the fact that I feel like a cracked pot. I feel like a poor player. I have no gifts to give. Some of us do not know how to forgive ourselves. Some of us forgive themselves too quickly, which isn't forgiveness at all as much as it's allowance, permission, and rationalization. While forgiveness isn't simply recitation of a prayer or some verses, it is an easy thing. We want it to be hard. We want it to be direct. We want it to be something we do and then go back to doing whatever we want. Forgiveness requires us to change our direction, and those of us who think too much sometimes overthink what we "might" do in the future and ignore what we did in the moment.
When I was a young man, Blaine Yorgason changed my life dramatically and inspired me to go confess to my bishop. I took a legal notepad as Blaine recounted, wrote them all down, and then I went to see my ecclesiastical leader. I will always remember what he told me. He told me that I shouldn't worry so much. He compared me to the fine tuning on a radio (which tells you a little about how long ago this was). As you get close to where you want to be, as God's love refines your soul, there are many fine adjustments to be made. In more recent years, I have realized that as you get closer to refinement you realize just how much further you have to go. Also in that time, as I have been venom on myself, I have been merciful to others. People continue to notice the motes in my eye, and I do want to remove those damnable spots, and so I let their dissonance dim my disposition and degrade my demeanor until I deem myself damnable. In that way, I'm become a self-fulfilling prophecy to some degree.
Christ taught us that with the judgment we judge we shall be judged. Most people apply that only to how they judge others. While it certainly encompasses that, it also includes how we judge ourselves. We ought remember that mercy and forgiveness apply to us too. We ought to remember that God delights to bless us. We ought to remember that we are loved. We ought to remember that it's ok to be human, that we will make mistakes. We ought to beware not to let our mistakes make us. It doesn't do us any good to pay indulgences, recite Hail Mary and then return to the mire. If we want to be clean, we need to go somewhere else and be someone else than we were before. The devil would have you believe that if you mess up that nobody will want you, that you cannot possibly get back into God's good grace, and that you have no options. The Gospel was good news because it taught us that through Christ we can become new people and truly put the past behind us. I often tell my friends that "if 'I the Lord remember them no more' is good enough for God with those who repent, it ought to be good enough for us" even when we screw up and make mistakes. Mistakes are always attended with mercy, even when you make them. God loves you too. If Christ was wounded for our transgressions, then He also heals us, yes you too.
Forgive yourself when it's the right thing to do. I feel forgiven of God for my mistakes, but it did help to go to my bishop and have him give me direction. Bishop Aaron gave me guidance, and I followed it for almost a decade, long after the period of penance passed. Eventually, I asked God one day if I needed to keep acting on that counsel, and He let me know that I had fulfilled the obligation. If you lack wisdom, ask God, who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not, and it shall be given you. If you're not sure, engage one of His shepherds to guide you so that when anyone asks you can respond with confidence that you stand in good grace with both God and man.
No comments:
Post a Comment