First Roommates

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I've lived alone in this house for over five years now, but change comes soon. Tomorrow night, my parents, who are between houses, are moving in until they can find a new place to live. I'm not honestly sure how I feel about this. I'm excited to have my dad's help getting to things I'm not honestly sure how to tackle and with which he already has experience. I'm excited that I had a reason to clean up because I don't honestly have many guests. I'm excited that I can return something to my parents. I'm worried because I know this isn't the way they are used to living and doesn't offer the accommodations to which they are accustomed.

Far too many young people take from their parents, grouse about them, and then grudgingly give a token back if they give anything back at all. I know people in their 30s who still live at home, and I have students who are still receiving money from their parents to subsidize their existence. I know my parents worry because we are not doing as well as they did, that my generation will not do better than the previous ones. I remind my dad that he did far better than he ever expected and that we are doing things we love rather than things for money. My parents took me back in when I got divorced and had nowhere to live, and so I'm glad I am around to help them move and put a roof over their heads. I'm sure they'll be happy to move out when the time comes.

What I've missed these past two and a half year is a reason to do anything. I only did things when I felt in my own heart that the time had finally come. Now, there is a bigger purpose- I actually care about someone. Ok, so it's not romantic; it's my parents. However, I want them to be comfortable, and I want my things sin order with them here, so I finally buckled down and started tackling the list of things that weren't just things I always wanted to do. They've been good not to fill my house, garage, and yard with their quesquilia, but if they needed space, I have it to offer. When they needed help, I offered it. I guess it's good that I live here and that, even though I worked 60 hour weeks, I squeezed in time to help them do things they couldn't do as well without me.

I found a way to help someone else without thinking only of how I might profit. Although I could probably charge rent or ask them to finance some of the projects, all I really ask are that they cover the additional costs of their visit and help me take care of four projects for me. I know my parents will offer to fray the costs as a gesture, but I'm finally able to help someone with this house again. Their dogs are already out back and seem adjusted to my company and surroundings, and it's nice to not be alone.

One thing is sure that things will be different. It won't be permanent, but it won't necessarily be a bad thing. Who knows what will happen? It will change things- the flow of the house, my routines, the types of food in the fridge, how often the dishes and laundry run, etc. My neighbors are used to my cars in the driveway and a mostly empty house. Won't thieves be surprised to discover someone's here during the day (yes, I had someone steal things from my porch)! I have lived alone for a long time now. This might help me decide if I ever really want to invite someone special to be with me or if I prefer independence and freedom to company and connection.

Here am I. Send me.

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In my household, if it is to be, it truly is up to me. This semester, sometimes things languish because I arrive home late without much energy to tackle chores or respond to emergencies. Monday night, I had a fantastic day. In addition to most of the work required at work this week, I managed to get home, do three loads of laundry, tend the garden, clean the refrigerator, fix a toilet, write this article, put fresh sheets on the bed, and go for a walk to the store for groceries. I managed all of that before 10pm. Fortunately, the world isn't usually dependent on one person to take care of everything important, but one important thing could only be achieved by one person. For the rest of God's work, He invites us to participate. He doesn't force it; it is up to us to decide to make ourselves available and then go and do or be what God commands of us.

My early years laid the foundation to be able to do what God asks, but I wasn't consciously aware or decidedly dedicated to that proposition until I served a mission. One week during our district meeting, the district leader shared a personal anecdote as his spiritual thought. Elder Palmer read an excerpt from a letter his mother wrote him in which she detailed a dream. In this dream, she saw God and His counsel sitting around a table looking down on Elder Palmer in Austria who was distracted. God sighed and said to the others, "We'll wait until they finish, and then we'll whisper them these important instructions." He felt ashamed that he was distracted. For a while, he changed, but only for a while.

I decided then and there to be as available as possible to serve God. I didn't want Him disappointed because He had to wait for me to finish up my asinine and banal activities in order to do things of consequence. Over the following few weeks, I heard a story about two missionaries who decided one day to go to the gym. Rather than change before they left, they traveled in suits and ties to the gym, worked out, changed, and traveled back. On the way back home, someone at the bus stop approached them because they were recognizable as missionaries. Even though they made this trip many times per week, per month, per year, they were incognito until this day, and because they were available and recognizable God was finally able to use them. I don't know or care if the story is true, but it was true for me. I was the one who traveled to the park to play football on Thanksgiving in Linz, Austria, who changed at the park for the game and then changed back for the trip home. I was the one who rode the train to Hochkoenig bei Salzburg to hike, hiked the mountain, and then changed back into a shirt and tie to travel home. Elder Bouwhuis, the Zone Leader, pulled me aside and said he should be setting the example because he was ZL. He didn't change. Neither have I.

My life, my choices, my activities, are sometimes calculated with the express purpose to be available if and when God needs me. I have driven out in the middle of the night to places, sat in the park for 30 minutes, and then gone home. I wrote letters, made phone calls, stopped to help motorists, etc. I have been the beneficiary of other people who were available to help me, and I am determined that, however paltry my service may compare, I will be there to help Him help His children. When I was young they taught us to sing a song that includes these words: "The Lord needs valiant servants to do His work in the latter-days who follow the teachings of Jesus and serve His people in a loving way. I will be His servant and keep my covenants valiantly. I'll stand for truth; I'll stand for right. The Lord can depend on me." Sometimes I stumble, and sometimes I fall, but it means a great deal to me that God can depend on me. I know I have been available to act when He needed it, and although most of those opportunities bore no fruit of which I am aware or no fruit I hoped, I did my part valiantly.

Sometimes I sit at this keyboard and feel prompted to do certain things. Frequently, it amounts to nothing more than sending a short note, either by text or email. More often than not, the note I send does not receive a response. I act on the part I control. I send out the messages and trust that God will deliver them where He needs them, that I am doing the best approximation of what He would do of which I am capable. Perhaps I do the wrong things or in the wrong way, but at least I am willing to act. Neal Maxwell wrote: "God gives the picks and shovels to the chosen . . . They may not be the best or most capable, but they are the most available" (Neal A. Maxwell, “Deposition of a Disciple” p 54). My bishop years ago sat us down one day at church and told us "God would send other people if He had them, but He doesn't have other people. He has you."

There is a book my paternal grandfather used when he taught young men that deals with this. The story deals with the Spanish-American war when it is important for General Winfield Scott to find someone who can carry a message to General Garcia. They find a man to carry the message to Garcia, who doesn't ask how or why or what to do but who finds a way. He makes it happen, and it makes the difference. I imagine that God and His counsel look down on this earth when there is work to do in my general vicinity. I imagine they consider who's available to go. I imagine they sigh to discover I'm the only one available to send. I imagine God says, "Doug will go, and I will make up the difference." I feel like Miracle Max in "The Princess Bride" that I might kill whomever God wants me to make a miracle. He trusts me and sends me anyway sometimes.

Christ himself was the ultimate example of willingness and availability to serve. When the time came for a vicarious sacrifice, He called out: "Here am I. Send me." If we want to be like Christ, to show we love Christ, and to bring men to Christ, we must be willing to carry the message to Garcia, to listen and act on promptings, to be available and willing to go and do and be what He needs. God doesn't have other people. He has us. It is an imperative duty then to follow Christ and say when God asks something, however difficult or easy it might be, "Here am I. Send me."

Capitalism Benefits Consumers

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I find it infuriating that people spout off at the mouth about one thing while the opposite happens all around them. They say that government is the solution to our problems, that if we just give all the authority and responsibility for decisions into the hands of a small intellectual elite our lives will be idyllic. Well, on the corners in your neighborhood, some businesses are proving exactly the opposite. Your life improves when you have options, which come through competition. Capitalism is the economic model that pairs best with Darwinism, that those best able to adapt thrive. Allow me to illustrate.

Wendy's got the ball rolling saving people money at lunch. They launched their 4 for $4 deal which offers fries, nuggets, a burger and drink. Then Burger King jumped in offering the same price and adding a cookie. Last week Carl's Jr went for the gold offering two burgers instead of nuggets. Competition for your money at lunch first gave you a discount, then it gave you more, then it gave you a meal. Now, you may not want a greasy hamburger, but you can't argue with the amount you receive for the money, particularly in a time when everything else seems to cost us more and more and more. Here are just three major national chains within a few miles of where I sit while typing this who since the new year found a way to improve their bottom lines by leaving more in yours. You spend less per visit, you come more often, and in bulk their profits grow.

Competition and adaptation go hand in hand. If you truly believe that the strong survive, if you truly believe in non interference, you wouldn't believe in government. Government artificially picks winners and losers, handing money in grants and loans and tax breaks to companies that can't stand on their own like everything Elon Musk ever did while they put roadblocks in the way of other companies in an attempt to break them like Keystone XL. The appetites, desires, and passions of people being ephemeral in nature, the companies that either mold trends or best acclimate to them are those who grow, expand, and enrich their employees and stockholders. If you do this the best, you survive, while the rest fade away into obscurity and go the way of the dodo.

Only when we are free to compete do people get the best deal possible. Wendy's offered a good value compared to the alacart price. However, if this kind of food appeals to you, Carl's Jr. offers the ultimate best deal since you get two burgers instead of those blase "chicken" nuggets. Going to Carl's Jr. gives you the best value for your money relatively, and it's the same price. You can still eat for under $5 for lunch, and you can be full or overfull all afternoon! That is of benefit to you.

Now, I am not naive enough to think it's about you. What these capitalism examples show is that Covey had a point. The best arrangement is win-win. You save money or get more; the company makes more money because it does more business. Advocates of strong, centralized government will claim government will give you a win win, but it presumes that you wanted what government offers in the first place and that government will compete with itself to win your affectations. Government competes with the PEOPLE IT GOVERNS. Its major customer is also its major threat, and so it won't help the enemy in helping you do better. Our calamity is heightened by realization that we furnish the means by which we suffer. Meanwhile, 4 for $4, please, to go. I'm in a hurry...

Prison Reform is Child's Play

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Prisons bleed money from the population and provide little by way of return. As we piss away money containing and entertaining some of the worst among us, resources are drained from those likely to provide a return on our investment in time and treasure- our young people. Some will argue to increase the funds for youth; we can do that by cutting funds and programs for convicted among us. They luxuriate at our expense. Even some people get arrested on purpose in order to get access to free health care, three hots and a cot. I know that maybe I will eat my words, but if I ever end up in prison, I expect the worst of treatment. If I end up there it's because the law is dead.

Allow only the same educational opportunities for prisoners that we allow to children. Education through the end of high school being mandatory and provided by the state, the only education prisoners should be able to attain is a GED. They do not need any more. If our children are only worthy of education up through the 12th grade, why allow prisoners any formal education or certifications beyond that level? If they desire to learn things beyond that level, let them learn it through books available in the library or through correspondence courses, assuming they are able to pay for those courses at their own expense.

Apply the same laws for prison labor that we have for child labor. Rather than pay prisoners for their work, provide them with prison store credit. This will eliminate not only any currency exchange towards contraband as well as disavow any possessions not available through the prison store. Anything else not related to prison or available there should be contraband confiscatable just as children caught with materials or goods exigent to the school environment risk having them taken until they leave school.

Quiet the din of dissonance. Children aren't technically adults and have no legal rights. Felons by definition relinquish them with their convictions. Felons shouldn't be allowed to complain. Felons shouldn't be allowed too much access to the outside world. Students in school have a limited amount of computer access per week, and many places disallow the use of any electronic devices during the day. During their stay, prisoners should know the deprivation that comes

Reduce their recreation time. School children typically receive only 45 minutes of recess per day. Limit prisoners to that much time for exercise/gym/yard activity. If it grows more precious, they will either learn to use it well or suffer the concomitant consequence. No longer able to bulk up and work out at their leisure, they will get sufficient access daily to meet the 30min 2x/wk standard set by the government for fitness and still have "plenty" of time for fresh air on a weekly basis. Furthermore, provide only the same recreational facilities available to schools- sport courts, limited weights, a track, etc. If we aren't willing to spend it on our children, why waste it on our felons?

Desist feeding prisoners the smorgasbord to which they became accustomed and which allows them to grow lean and mean. If what Michelle Obama demands our children eat for lunch suffices for our children, it should suffice for felons. Feed them the same types of foods, in the same amounts, that we force in school lunches around the country. Provide only the number of calories necessary for sustenance. They are confined. They do not need the nourishment to survive, and they certainly don't need that much if restricted to the aforementioned activity level. Disallow any outside food. Our children aren't allowed sugary treats and sweets, and they certainly can't have liquor or cigarettes, and so if it's good enough for our children, it should be good enough for them.

We allow too much to our prisoners and expect too little. Prison is not a vacation. It's a punishment. At the same time we talk about what's good for the children, we offer far more to people who defy our laws with reckless impunity. If it's good enough for the children, it is more than good enough for the prisoners. We are surrounded by men either too stupid or unwilling to see it as it is. Here are some ideas. It really is simple. Think of the children. Then apply the same standard.

About the Conversation

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You spend time with people for two reasons. Either you genuinely enjoy their company or you are hoping to personally benefit from the arrangement. Good company, good relationships, and good entertainment used to revolve around simple things in the time before everyone posted everything to social media in a vain and shallow attempt to appear relevant and prove their life was exciting. I blame Hollywood for changing the mainstream view about "a good time" from good company to something vapid. Movies used to be about the conversation, about the story, about the dialogue. As the media changed from stimulating conversation to action and tantalization, it lost much of its value. Abrams' "Star Trek" isn't the same as Roddenberry's. For Roddenbery, it was about the story, about conversation, just as it has been since the time of Shakespeare if not longer. Too many people pick something else, and end up neither doing what they enjoy nor what they ought. I think this contributes to infidelity and unhappiness because people fit together literally but end up with people they don't really like because they were exciting and tantalizing, semblance without substance.

When you share things, conversation helps you revisit, remember, and enjoy an experience again. My hiking buddy and I sometimes reminisce about the interesting things we've seen while doing things together. Even on trails we hiked before, there are old memories and new experiences. This is why you have long term relationships, so that the things you do still have meaning which arises when you revisit them in conversation. Many people consider themselves good company when they offer little in the way of conversation. In the last few years, I took two young ladies to see things I've seen hiking that were very special. The first claimed she enjoyed it but fell asleep during the 2.5 hour car ride back home and shortly thereafter ceased speaking to me. The second apparently talked it up to coworkers and friends but also said very little afterwards to me. Life is richer when you share it, but it's really only enriched when you revisit it with the people who made it special. I visited many places that I enjoyed without any company. If not for the pictures, sometimes I wonder if I really went or made up the memory. I visited many places with people who no longer talk to me. I wonder if they remember those things fondly or if I'm forgettable. We no longer converse, but then many of the people I have met no longer talk to me although they could. I hope they're enjoying other conversations with other people.

Conversation differs from argumentation, dissent, and dictation. Far too many people converse only about things that are dramatic. I hear that making up is the best part of relationships, but I don't understand why people feel the need to get upset as a means to reconnect and mend fences. I spent a lot of time sleeping "on the couch" when I was married, which really meant I slept in another room, and it didn't help us get closer or make our interactions more meaningful. It was painful and unpleasant, and I eventually became very suspicious when she would do nice things for me. I am interested in good company, and I don't have time for the drama anymore. I met with a student yesterday afternoon that many people would suggest I should get to know. However, I can tell that she's a drama queen. She gets upset and agitated over things she doesn't control, over things that are of no moment, and probably because she's an adrenaline junkie. I'm ready for simple. I'm looking for intellectual stimulation. I'm attracted to intelligence. Looks may catch my attention, but only character and conversation will keep it. Far too many of my coworkers only work in "crisis mode", meaning unless there is drama they don't do or discuss anything. I don't like to be upset or agitated. I don't find that relaxing or pleasant in any way, and nothing offered to me so far as compensation for that actually took away the consequences. Most people just created drama and repaired it by disappearing from my life.

If you're not good company, good conversation, people don't keep you. Imagine the friend who is always late, always depressed, always talking about how he got shafted, and always talking about himself. I can't speak for you, but I don't really like to hang out with that kind of people. Those are my least favorite students, because they are not special, life has always been hard, and college isn't supposed to be easy like high school. As much as I detest being lonely, there are people I do not call or contact or visit because they are manipulative, depressing, or draining to visit. Many of them don't see that about themselves, but if I'm exhausted by spending time with you for some other reason than hiking or another outdoor excursion, I'd rather just stay home and be alone. People don't pick partners for conversation anymore, however, but for visual benefit or because of emotional reasons. My hiking buddy's oldest brother married a woman 15 years younger than he. She is upset because, although everything else is good and the romance persists, they don't really talk. She misses the conversation. I think this is a HUGE reason why so much infidelity arises and why people move from relationship to relationship. They aren't with someone who offers good company, good conversation. Assuming you are in flagrante delicto an hour every single day, what do you do the other 23 hours of the day? If you don't enjoy the company, the conversation, eventually you will seek it elsewhere. Almost seven years ago, the woman I "dated" came to me and told me that she missed our intellectual conversations. THe guy she picked over me had the physique that she wanted, but he wasn't capable of intellectually stimulating her and keeping her interest. Well, I wasn't going to be her fallback plan, so I told her that she must have picked the wrong guy and walked away.

It's a shame that other people don't feel that conversation matters until they are older. That might be why my friends are 10-20 years my senior. Unfortunately, I've had good conversations with people who no longer even answer my calls/texts/emails. They weren't the best people I've known, but I enjoyed their company and conversation, but apparently they seek other things. I am willing to bet money that they, like my friend's sister in law, eventually regret not nurturing our relationship. You can almost see this in the music video for Katy Perry's "The One That Got Away". She has everything people claim to desire- money, comfort, access, a nice house, a husband. What she lacks is conversation. The barely-seen husband didn't join her for the outing, so there isn't a chance for greater than, and then she opines the time spent with another guy years before who was good company and conversation. She misses the time spent, the memories made, and the conversations. She drove him away with drama. She doesn't enjoy the company of the man she picked. He doesn't offer good conversation. When I visited my grandparents, it was about the conversation. Maybe this is why most of my friends have always been older people, because they realize that they value conversation. My buddy's parents found me interesting, intriguing, and intelligent, and so I was welcome in their home for my value to conversation despite my age, socio-econimic status, and looks. I was taught that it's what's on the inside that counts, and conversation tells me what's on the inside. Conversation helps keep things alive. I'm sorry that so many people no longer talk to me. For my part, I enjoyed our time together. I hope you choose good company so that in the twilight of your life you'll enjoy the conversation with someone you really like even when your body can't enjoy the other reasons. Recreation only adds width and breadth to life if you already have a life.

I've Become the Male Mentor

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During High School in Florida, I was mentored by a man named Grant. He was in his mid 30's, single, and working in a career. The leadership of our congregation put him together with us as a scouting leader to help us learn things from him. Now I know why. When my congregation decided to ask me to teach Sunday School for the same age bracket, it dawned on me that I am their male mentor. I have become Grant to these kids.

The called me to this position because I'm an adult without any kids. Most people, particularly men, have children by now, and so they act and talk as if they're experts on everything under the sun. I suspect that they try to act as surrogate parent to the kids in high school age during Sunday School at the time when they are trying to assert their independence and adult identity. After school, sometimes I would go hang out with Grant. I remember we played Risk and Stratego and Axis and Allies. Later he exposed me to video games about war and history and strategy. He would come over to my house and do the same. My parents were glad I had a positive male role model I trusted who was someone they trusted.

They called me because I'm close to these youth in many ways. Owing to my age, I'm not TOO far removed to not relate, but I have enough experience in order to help them. I can pass on things that helped me and discuss things with them that I wish I'd known when I was their age. As a college professor, I'm used to interfacing with people close to their age, and I can give them useful advice for the choices they will soon make. As a professor, I'm in close proximity with their peers. We ironically have a lot in common. Some of the kids play instruments I play. Others read books I remember. A few are even interested in science. All of them are intelligent even if some of them have poor marks. They remind me of me.

They called me to help keep these young people around, to help keep them from rebelling. I am not a threat. If they take my advice, wonderful. If not, it won't cause me apoplexy. We don't live together, we don't hang out together, and so we don't have to interact outside this class unless they choose to. In troubling modern times, as so many of their peers rebel from their parents, I'm another adult, another trusted person, with whom to share ideas, time, and concerns. I don't have an ulterior motive, an agenda. I don't win anything for doing a good job, and if I do well, I probably won't ever know. Young people are often more insecure, alone, unsure, and desperate than they let on, so having a somewhat older male mentor may help them, to guide them, to instill confidence in them. I know that it helped me to have Grant around. When my dad was away doing military things, Grant was there to go along camping, to watch out for me, to entertain me, and to expose me to wholesome things.

When I was a teenager, God provided me with an older male mentor in his 30's. I have now become that for these kids. I wonder whatever happened to Grant. I hope that he eventually found someone special and had a family of his own. If his work with me is any indicator, he made a fantastic father. If not, he made a marvelous mentor. I have the interesting and surprising legacy to pass on what I learned, to be that from which I benefited, by taking Grant's place in the lives of these young people. I've become Grant. I hope it helps them as much as he helped me.

Something's Got To Give

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February isn't even half way over, and I'm already swamped this semester. I have several partially started articles I will probably never finish because I get started and then get distracted. I'm burning the candle at both ends this term, and it's all I can do sometimes to drum up enough motivation to work each evening on things that are not both urgent and important after a long day of chemistry and teaching. There's not much time for fun, but I would like to invite people to things or join people for things, and have people join me. I actually went out tonight but couldn't get anyone to join me, but at least I did better than my buddy who went out tonight and found out the girl he was chatting up was actually a hooker. Better him than I.

Work keeps me busy. I had quite a bit to do today at work. We are "lucky" in chemistry because we can schedule classes around holidays and not lose instructional days during the semester as much as other disciplines. This does however mean that I get to prep labs, teach labs, prep lectures, write my own tests, etc. Since the microbiology class I'm teaching doesn't have an official lab manual, I'm making it up as I go, so I scanned the files so the students can have them in advance of next Tuesday and notify prep so they can get everything ready. Since I don't like to do scantrons or reuse tests, I have to write three BRAND NEW EXAMS this week. Then there was driving, cleaning, etc., and by the time the day ended, I had about ten minutes to sit down and collect my thoughts before I headed home.

Family keeps me busy. My parents sold their house and started looking for a new one. Most of the "free time" I have involves me going over to help them move things, pack things, disassemble things, and help them clear out by the end of the month. Since they are moving in with me when they sell their house, I've set myself to finally work on some organization in my house and rearrange things so that my new tenants won't be hindered or whatever. It will be an adjustment for all of us. They are accustomed to being in charge, and I am accustomed to being alone. They have much nicer accomodations than I can provide, but I owe them my help if I can, so they are welcome. It will be nice to have a second pair of hands to help or a warm body here if repairs are needed. I work six days per week, and so they will actually be "home" more often than I will. That is peace of mind and comfort since someone will be here when I am away.

Chores keep me busy. I'm still trying to make time to work on my car. In addition to the wheel bearing (which stopped whining at me) and the brakes (which haven't started whining at me yet), I also have a loss of power. Odds are it's a spark plug or something simple, but I will have to park the car, pull things apart, and work on it, and I don't get a lot of daylight during which to achieve these grandiose plans. Eventually, I want to plant more things in the garden and adjust the watering. During my last minutes at work, I made a list today of the "chores" I need to attend at home like fixing the back door, replacing the garbage disposal, fixing the toilet, fixing the refrigerator, finding out why the heat doesn't cycle in the house. Eventually I will need to smog the cars and buy new tires for the malibu, and of course everyone's business hours are when I am also at work, so I have to find a way to squeeze things in somewhere.

Consequently, this blog languishes, and things I don't have to do go undone. I have three toilets, I can wear more clothes to keep warm, and I have two cars, so if I don't have to fix something I don't. For Spring Break, I will probably use the time to finish chores rather than have any fun, but I may also have to take a day off in order to meet up with the warranty repairmen and sit around. If it is to be, it is up to me, and so I'm sacrificing things here to take care of things elsewhere. I wish I had some grandiose insight to share or whatever, and I wish my life were more exciting. However, I am adult enough to realize that most of adulthood is routine and responsibility. Many young people I meet are trying to run away from that realization, and since I accept it they eschew me as well. So tonight I went and did something I enjoy by myself because I wanted to. I saw Hamlet. I am true to myself, and I've had to let other things and other people go.

I'm Obsessed

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When brilliant minds find themselves confronted with a problem they cannot solve, people like to give them something they can accomplish to focus their energies on something achievable. For the rest of us, we frequently replace one obsession with another. Sometimes the obsessions are bad. People who quit smoking often end up eating too much instead. Some people turn to liquor or gambling or drugs to forget or move beyond frustrating phases of their lives. I tried to find ways that could help me be better and help me make a positive influence elsewhere. Very little I do seems to improve my lot, but if I can know that one life breathed easier because I lived I know that will constitute a success.

I'm obsessed with teaching. Some of my coworkers criticized me for taking on this much work this semester, and they are partially right to do so. In their defense, I do not have much of a life. I work 58 hours each week. In the late evening hours, I must squeeze all the errands, chores, grading, and preparation necessary between classes. On the other hand, although they contend I should use the time to "have a life" or "get a life", I know I wouldn't do that. When I don't have class, I go home and take care of business and relax. I would not go out, I would stay in. Teaching makes me feel like I'm doing something useful and productive with my days, or at least it gives me a likely chance to leave something useful and valuable when I die. Most people seem to want to hold others back so that they look good, but I push my students to exceed what I achieve. I know that great leaders celebrate when their people shine because that light reflects upon and shines back on them.

I'm obsessed with exercise. A few years back when the state forced me to get and wear a fitbit so they could measure my activity, I found the feedback it provided to be a personal incentive. Each day, sometimes frequently during the day, I check the totals and push to meet or exceed 30,000 steps PER DAY. I'm obsessed with hitting the road, doing exercises or exercising in ways that maximize my credit so that I can get that feedback and feel like I achieved something during the day. It's instant feedback, it's measurable, and it's personal, but it's an unsettling realization that I care more about that than anything else. I will even leave the house after 9PM sometimes to push that last 1000 steps or so. I like it because it's something I control. Unfortunately, as much as I exercise, hike, and walk, it doesn't seem to impress anyone I hope to impress, and rather than remember me well, the people I take along remember the hikes and trips and forget about me.

I'm obsessed with her. Two and a half years ago, the perfect woman for me left my life, perhaps for good, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her. Not a week goes by that I don't mention her, albeit obliquely, on this blog. I compare everyone to her, talk with God about how much I miss her, and talk about her with the man who convinced me to date her in the first place. I wasn't looking for her, and I certainly wasn't looking where I found her, but since we met, I know it's supposed to mean something. I hope it doesn't simply mean "Now you know what you truly desire" or "Now you know it can happen for you" blah blah blah. Even today, my friend showed me some wedding invitations he received from people he knows in their 40s and one of a man who is 60 marrying a 35 year old to show "there's hope for me". I don't want anyone else. I'm obsessed with her. In the dark days of doubt, she made me feel like it didn't matter that I had a beard, a few extra pounds, a derelict vehicle, an e-wife, or an uncertain job. She made me feel lovable, valuable, desirable. It was ok to be a dork, a trekkie, a crusader, to be me.

Essentially, none of my other obsessions distract me from the thing I cannot change myself. I meet lots of nice people. I'm not a bad boy, a safe bet, rich, or ripped, and I won't resort to chloroform or the internet for a date. The two people who communicated with me via "internet dating" were a transgender person and someone pretending to be the woman depicted. I'm filling my days in ways I control, in ways I believe mean something either because they keep me healthy and robust or because they provide opportunities to change lives for the better. Everyone dies, but it's what you do before you fall that makes a difference, that describes who you really are and what you truly value. I'm obsessed. We all want our lives to matter. I am not foolish enough to desire or believe I can live forever. I do not want to. Centuries from now, the ways I will still exist and be remembered will manifest in the ways people were changed because I lived. Maybe if I'm lucky it will be family. If I'm very lucky, it may be with her. Since I can do something about teaching, I'm trying to teach as many classes as I can in order to teach them and improve their odds.

Win-Win or No Deal

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The first girl I seriously dated in Vegas supposedly really believed in Steven Covey's Seven Habits. However, almost every time, she offered me something that I didn't consider a win-win. I am not honestly surprised that so many businesses fail or must be fronts because they are not offering me a good value. Price isn't the only thing I consider. I'm old enough that I value my time, my limbs, and my freedom more than I value every single solitary penny. However, I continue to meet businesses and people who offer me things that I do not value and that for me are not actually victories. I don't mind fair, and I don't mind a mutually beneficial arrangement. I don't have to win at their expense, but I won't let them win at mine.

I took my Saturn in to have someone look at it a few weeks back because I wanted to know if my collision with a semi-truck caused any damage I couldn't see. The mechanics look at things for free and provide estimates, which I usually use to find out what I really need to fix and do it myself. My recent experience solidified for me why exactly I don't pay other people to do things that I can do myself. Besides regular maintenance of which I was already aware, they found that my right passenger wheel bearing was damaged, probably when I ran into the concrete barrier, which explains the high pitched squeal I sometimes hear. When I asked about just having that fixed, I was considering, if it was cheap enough, letting them fix it by itself right then and there. However, when it came back quoted as over $300, including a $40 markup on the part I needed changed, I decided to walk. Additionally, I noticed that over $500 of the rest of the quote was for LABOR. Ok, I don't make $500 in a day, so I sure as sudafed won't pay someone else that much to fix that car. Besides, I can probably change all the brakes myself in a day, meaning I come out ahead.

What they don't seem to realize is that if it's cheap enough, they'll get more business. That's the original Wal-mart theorem, that if we charge people less, they'll shop here more, and in volume we make up for what we lose in individual items. I actually considered paying him to do something I could do because it was convenient and because it was still up on the lift. I'm sure they could do it more quickly and let me drive around on worn brakes for a while until I get around to fixing that. They asked for so much that they ended up getting absolutely nothing from me for any work, including the diagnostic. There are many things at Wal-mart that are not actually cheaper. Consequently, I only buy things there that I can't get as cheaply anywhere else like automotive oil, dog treats, and ammunition. They lose tons of business because they aren't willing to offer me something I actually value. I stopped dating several young ladies because they demanded so much of me that it became a chore and a burden to continue dating and spending time with them. You get more flies with honey than vinegar, but they weren't offering any honey at all, and so I went where I would be better treated.

Contrast that to other experiences. For example, in Ely years ago I broke down in the middle of nowhere, and although I had to stay in a motel because they had to wait for a part, I didn't feel cheated by the repair. I even wrote a blog article recommending that shop, and if I lived in the area, I would probably go back. Likewise, when I paid another repair shop years ago to replace my engine motor mounts since I don't have a lift, they waited until I rode my bike from work to their shop so that I could pay and pick up my car for the next day. THey charged me a fair price, finished that day, and waited for me. For something I can't do myself, I would use them again. Anthony's donuts isn't quite as good as Friendly's donuts, but they are closer to my house, and he sometimes gives me a few for free. So, unless it's convenient, I don't go out of my way to Friendly's because it isn't.

I don't really know how people value things or why they think that things are worth more than I agree. One of my students told me this afternoon that she works for Gamestop and watches spoiled kids flip hundreds of dollars worth of new games for meager store credit. They don't understand what it cost to get that, so they don't feel cheated when they convert something they don't want for something they do desire, even though they lose value in the exchange. Both parties leave happy in the moment, and so it's a win-win. The other guy at the mechanic with me had a decently cheap repair. The quote I got was for the top tier repair. Ok, who honestly does top tier repairs on a 21 year old Saturn? If mine were as cheap as his, I would have probably just paid for the convenience, even though I could do it myself, to free my time for other things I prefer to do. They would make money; I would free up time. That's a win win. However, they offered me something that I refused to take and got no deal. Far too many people think that it's evil to seek self-satisfaction while they seek their own selfish interests. I only dated one woman who offered me things I considered a win, and so losing her was very difficult because nobody seems to hold a candle to her. I do most of my own work, when I get around to it, because I don't care enough to pay someone else when I'm ok with how things are. I've gone all winter with a broken heater because I'm fine wrapping up warmly and because nobody complains. It hasn't been important, and it hasn't been cheap enough to pay, at least until the off season. I'm willing to pay. I'm willing to pay for good value. I'm willing to change for good value. I know it when I see it.