When brilliant minds find themselves confronted with a problem they cannot solve, people like to give them something they can accomplish to focus their energies on something achievable. For the rest of us, we frequently replace one obsession with another. Sometimes the obsessions are bad. People who quit smoking often end up eating too much instead. Some people turn to liquor or gambling or drugs to forget or move beyond frustrating phases of their lives. I tried to find ways that could help me be better and help me make a positive influence elsewhere. Very little I do seems to improve my lot, but if I can know that one life breathed easier because I lived I know that will constitute a success.
I'm obsessed with teaching. Some of my coworkers criticized me for taking on this much work this semester, and they are partially right to do so. In their defense, I do not have much of a life. I work 58 hours each week. In the late evening hours, I must squeeze all the errands, chores, grading, and preparation necessary between classes. On the other hand, although they contend I should use the time to "have a life" or "get a life", I know I wouldn't do that. When I don't have class, I go home and take care of business and relax. I would not go out, I would stay in. Teaching makes me feel like I'm doing something useful and productive with my days, or at least it gives me a likely chance to leave something useful and valuable when I die. Most people seem to want to hold others back so that they look good, but I push my students to exceed what I achieve. I know that great leaders celebrate when their people shine because that light reflects upon and shines back on them.
I'm obsessed with exercise. A few years back when the state forced me to get and wear a fitbit so they could measure my activity, I found the feedback it provided to be a personal incentive. Each day, sometimes frequently during the day, I check the totals and push to meet or exceed 30,000 steps PER DAY. I'm obsessed with hitting the road, doing exercises or exercising in ways that maximize my credit so that I can get that feedback and feel like I achieved something during the day. It's instant feedback, it's measurable, and it's personal, but it's an unsettling realization that I care more about that than anything else. I will even leave the house after 9PM sometimes to push that last 1000 steps or so. I like it because it's something I control. Unfortunately, as much as I exercise, hike, and walk, it doesn't seem to impress anyone I hope to impress, and rather than remember me well, the people I take along remember the hikes and trips and forget about me.
I'm obsessed with her. Two and a half years ago, the perfect woman for me left my life, perhaps for good, and not a day goes by when I don't think about her. Not a week goes by that I don't mention her, albeit obliquely, on this blog. I compare everyone to her, talk with God about how much I miss her, and talk about her with the man who convinced me to date her in the first place. I wasn't looking for her, and I certainly wasn't looking where I found her, but since we met, I know it's supposed to mean something. I hope it doesn't simply mean "Now you know what you truly desire" or "Now you know it can happen for you" blah blah blah. Even today, my friend showed me some wedding invitations he received from people he knows in their 40s and one of a man who is 60 marrying a 35 year old to show "there's hope for me". I don't want anyone else. I'm obsessed with her. In the dark days of doubt, she made me feel like it didn't matter that I had a beard, a few extra pounds, a derelict vehicle, an e-wife, or an uncertain job. She made me feel lovable, valuable, desirable. It was ok to be a dork, a trekkie, a crusader, to be me.
Essentially, none of my other obsessions distract me from the thing I cannot change myself. I meet lots of nice people. I'm not a bad boy, a safe bet, rich, or ripped, and I won't resort to chloroform or the internet for a date. The two people who communicated with me via "internet dating" were a transgender person and someone pretending to be the woman depicted. I'm filling my days in ways I control, in ways I believe mean something either because they keep me healthy and robust or because they provide opportunities to change lives for the better. Everyone dies, but it's what you do before you fall that makes a difference, that describes who you really are and what you truly value. I'm obsessed. We all want our lives to matter. I am not foolish enough to desire or believe I can live forever. I do not want to. Centuries from now, the ways I will still exist and be remembered will manifest in the ways people were changed because I lived. Maybe if I'm lucky it will be family. If I'm very lucky, it may be with her. Since I can do something about teaching, I'm trying to teach as many classes as I can in order to teach them and improve their odds.
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