For Free in the Land of the Free

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Concomitant with my desire that freedom increase, and since I earn "enough" and to spare from my primary employment which I enjoy, I decided to remove all monetization from social media. Here's the video attesting thereunto:

Refraction at Many Angles

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I know it's old news now, but it's a good reason to remind ourselves all about how important it is to gather data before jumping to conclusions. I'll go into lab this week and once again reinforce the importance of gathering as much data as we can before we really know what we have, because there are two major problems with facts, data, and evidence. First off, you rarely, if ever, gather every bit of information that is true, meaning that we rarely if ever understand anything completely. Secondly, sometimes the data you acquire is wrong either outright lies or because it's in the wrong context, meaning that any conclusions you draw from it will likewise propagate those flaws. Last week, the internet exploded over the grinning teenager who stood down a drumming Shawnee Indian on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, and people jumped up to take sides. I guess everyone wants to be first rather than be correct. I guess people want to know who is right instead of what is right. I guess we never learn, and so this advertisement from the UK Guardian is as prescient as ever:

I  know that our media is biased.  I read the Guardian and the Telegraph when I want to know about what's going on in America. I know that these two periodicals are too, but I know that since they are from the UK they are biased to not sugar coat anything that happens in America, and so I learn things about what happens here that I don't learn from the alphabet soup of media in this nation. I also know that even the Guardian doesn't show all angles. It turns out that this "menacing" kid was actually approached by the Indian, and if you watch the video of their interaction, you can see that the kid, while grinning awkwardly, is actually not that sure, since he blinks in fearful anticipation with each strike of the mallet against the drum. It turns out that the "noble" Indian is actually a known rabble rouser. They really should find someone more nondescript to trot out because this guy sticks out like a sore thumb. Investigation of his story shows lots of holes. The kid? Not so much. The more we learn, the less we see that the kid is the problem, just like the skinhead in the Guardian commercial.

People like to be able to judge quickly and be correct. We like to attach demographics to people so that we don't have to get to know them better. Earlier today I was complaining about a certain VWR employee who was condescending towards me and mentioned that he sounded by his name that he originated from the Indian subcontinent, and someone listening said, "well that explains it all." It does not. I had a good friend from Sri Lanka in High School who was awesome. There are good people everywhere and bad people everywhere. Stereotypes and generalizations may usually fit, but they don't always fit. There is an exception to every rule except for this one. People are people,, but we are all unique.

Two weeks ago in Sunday School, I talked with my class about the conversion of coal to diamonds. The reason why natural diamonds are considered valuable is not because they are particularly rare. I have several myself. I also have some that I created in lab, just because I wanted to prove I could do it. Lab created diamonds are worth less because they are ALL THE SAME. Natural diamonds are valuable because they are unique. The way they shine and the light they cast comes from the fact that although they share good structure they all contain different flaws in different places, just like every person. It's no coincidence in my opinion that we talk of good people sometimes as "diamonds in the rough". Every diamond has flaws, but as they are cut and cleared and faceted and polished, they shine, and each one shines differently, but all of them are brilliant. Only when we let the light refract through them at many angles can we truly see of what they are truly made and the goodness that is in each of them. I share CS Lewis' sentiment from his introduction to the Screwtape Letters: "I do not believe that if you take away all that is good in man that you are left with a bad man. I think you are left with nothing at all." Even graphite can be useful. At the very least it's non toxic.  Cast in a certain light, when you cast a different light on things, you can tell which diamonds are lab created and which are unique.  The light we use shows us whether they are truly diamonds or simple facsimiles, and our willingness to use different lights shows others the degree to which we are open to finding out the truth about someone we meet or an event presented by the media.

You may not notice the brilliance of a stone or a person unless you can learn to see them from all angles. You may not see the flaws of people either unless you cast them in unflattering light.  The light you apply tells me much more about you than the light reveals about the person on whom you shine it.  I once knew a woman who thought I was the bees knees. I think that she, for at least a time, could see the diamond deep in the rough of my soul. I think she saw what I could be if you were willing to reveal my other angles and look at me through them rather than through what is easy. Every person is flawed, and every person makes mistakes. If we assume at first glance that we know everything we will miss quite a bit. My Sunday School class did not recognize what uncut diamonds were, and none of them knew that diamonds and coal are the exact same material. I know that because I'm a chemist. I know that because I have learned and studied. As you look at other people, the following advice is something I try to apply, particularly once I become conscious of a negative bias towards a person or group: "When you cannot love someone, try to look for the hidden rudiments of the child of God in their eye" (F Enzio Busche). It's difficult betimes. It is however true. Whether rough diamonds or coal, we are all made of the same things, even if you don't like the other people who stand toe to toe with you. It takes time to get to know people. It takes a willingness to look at other angles. It requires us to see what they are made of because of not only what they do but why and how. Much of what you see is a play.

In Comparison

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I've been feeling sorry for myself since I saw my sister's annual video this year. She seems to have an exciting life full of awesome adventures, great challenges, and voluminous rewards. I know however that she posts the rosiest parts of her life. I know this because my parents tell me about her struggles. Maybe she has been to cool places like the Great Wall of China and the Persian Gulf, and maybe she'll get to see cool things during her two years in Europe. Maybe she has more money than I do. That's because her life, her responses, and her interactions differ. Even if I did the same things as she, I'd have different outcomes because I'm a different person and because I'd encounter different people. We compare ourselves to others all the time; it's a human thing to do. It's also usually harmful. However, in comparison there really is no comparison. While it's not as bad as comparing apples to oranges, it's like comparing oranges to lemons or limes or grapefruit or mandarins. They are all citrus, but they are not the same citrus. We are similar, but we are also unique, and therefore each of our lives will be too.

Upon honest reflection, I had plenty of adventures myself. I went away to college as an undergraduate, but she did not. Granted, I didn't get out much to "cool" places, but I did spend time each Sunday talking to and feeding the homeless, watching the balloon races, and just enjoying my life before technology, facebook, and one-upmanship. I lived in the Alps for two years. I didn't get to travel like she will, but I also got to see life up close with the people of Austria because I lived in little villages, attended services and celebrated festivals as one of them. She may see sights I did not; I got to meet and know people she will never know. Some of them were Nazis. I'm not sure I'm glad I met some real SS officers, but she won't, and in that way my life is different significantly with experiences she may never have. In graduate school, I got to study different things and meet different people and attend conferences. Afterwards, I drove over every square inch almost of Nevada on road trips. Those things might not interest her, but the more salient point is that they interested ME, and so I went on adventures that I wanted to do that I could also afford, and some of them created interesting and unique stories and experiences that I value. I went to Alcatraz one Christmas Day with my boss. I did cool things when I was her age. I also did things I didn't ever think I would or didn't want to.

I had to overcome struggles that she didn't have and go alone many times. I managed to overcome them. My sister managed to get a job that actually rewards her with promotions for doing a good job; mine just gives me more work. My ex wife wasted away much of our substance gambling, and I've recovered well, and that's impressive. Eventually, I purchased my freedom from her and "settled all claims and counterclaims", which didn't come cheaply. I try to think of it now as an educational opportunity that cost me more than I expected. The actual sum of my goods may pale in comparison, but my sister never even got married, so she never got divorced. As a single male, I faced several unsubstantiated claims of impropriety, and even though I came out as innocent, they still cost me grief and some small amount of money. My sister is a female, obviously, and they are usually not accused of improprieties. She finds people to go with her, and I usually go stag. That might be due to proximity rather than true affinity, so maybe she isn't with "friends". I did enjoy going to Montana alone because I decided when I'd had enough and didn't have to wait for a tour group or ask others if it was ok to leave early or stay late. I did what I wanted when I wanted.

Everyone is a package deal. If I wanted to have her pros, I would have to also deal with the struggles concomitant with her achievements. One of the congregational leaders in my last unit was a man who by all visible accounts lived an enviable life. He had a supportive and attractive wife, a handsome family, a lucrative job, physical beauty, a leadership position, etc. He also suffered from some chemical imbalances that caused him no end of trial. I would like to have the good parts of his life, but I drove home from services each week glad that I didn't have to deal with the trial inside his mind. When it comes to my sister, she likes different things, same things for different reasons, and pursues other talents. She's a different person, and she will live a different life. Also, she is better equipped to handle that life than I, in particular because she chose parts of it. I know she struggles, but not because she tells me directly. I can tell because of how she tells us stories about what she does at work and with friends and because I've visited her in her apartment and seen that she's also apart from the world like I. I think most people are more lonely and more disheartened than we think. Social media encourages people to post the rosy parts of their lives without showing the price paid to arrive there or the cracks in the pavement that undergirds their current standing. You can't trade places with anyone and just get the rosy parts; you get the whole package.

Our lives vary because our interests and opportunities vary. I told my intern last week that I believe "luck" is our perception of the difference between outcomes: we define as luck when someone's outcome differs from what we expect our outcome in similar circumstances would be. My sister never expected to go to the Great Wall, but another opportunity opened that door and she took it; I would never fly from Nevada just to see a stone wall when I could just drive to Ft. Churchill which is a few hours away. By virtue of circumstances, my sister managed to get an engineering gig even though she never intended to. By contrast, I ended up as a teacher, because I couldn't get anything else to work out, which doesn't pay the same dividends. Much of my compensation comes in unmonetized forms like when students take me again or write me thank you notes. I got one with $300 once, but I returned the money because I didn't need another ethics investigation. This month, I went back and watched the annual videos I made since 2010 for my family and realized the myriad of adventures and experiences I had. Many of those things my sister has done too. Her experiences were different because she is different and because she met different people doing those things. I also realized that before we did these videos I also had great adventures, and so I'm going to make one for 2007-2008 to catalogue my travels in Nevada. I'm glad my parents asked us to make these videos, because it reminded me of the richness of my own experience and of some rare and valuable personal perspectives too sacred to share here. Suffice it to say that I have seen God's hand, heard His voice, been rescued by His grace and steered by His eye to where I am. I believe that I am where He would have me be doing what He would have me do, and that's more important than all the luxurious vacations or creature comforts you could acquire. Generally speaking, my life pleases Him, and that realization gives me peace and hope for future adventures, no matter how rough or pleasant the road from here to there may seem.

Getting to Know Them...

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On Sundays during graduate school, I frequently walked down to the river near campus to feed and visit with the homeless people who lived there. After a while, they grew accustomed to my visits and more open to conversation and communication, and as our relationships expanded I learned things about them that nobody remembered. In particular I remember one older man who once worked for NASA on the Apollo and Voyager space programs whose partner died, after which he lost all interest and ended up homeless because he had nowhere he wanted to be. Most people who came to the parks along the river probably found it odd to watch me, donned in suit and tie, sitting with the homeless because they didn’t know what I knew about those people. Since I took the time to learn more, I learned that these people were more than they appeared to be.

All our lives, we evaluate based on information we possess. Sometimes our information comes from experience; sometimes it comes from other people’s experiences; sometimes it comes from hearsay. Sometimes we don’t have all the information at all, like I did on the river all those years ago. Last Thursday, I found myself in an impromptu conversation with the head of receiving on campus and learned that she was a licensed respiratory therapist. She was thanking me for not looking down on her because she works in receiving; I told her that was easy because most of the people who look down on her look down on me too. What I know now that they still don’t care to know is that she worked for over a decade in health care and CHOSE TO LEAVE and do something else. How many times do we look at someone in a “lowly” job and assume they can’t do better or at someone in a lofty one and assume that they earned their way there?

For some time now, I have discussed with all who listen one of the sad truths of life about stratification. While it is true that the cream rises to the top, so also does the scum, and the problem is that the scum thinks that it’s the cream. The cream thinks the scum belongs there. The scum convinces the rest that it earned its way to the top. The real point everyone misses in societal stratification is that between the dregs and the cream are other portions which, if absent, ablate the difference between the dregs and the cream rather than exaggerate them. If a nation is filled only with rich and poor people with nobody in between, the people have more in common than if there is a wide range of income. The only way in which they tend to differ is in material possessions, but in character they tend to blend into an indistinguishable morass. Inside any body exists a portion called the Extracellular Matrix which is void of cells but filled with mostly empty space. It is integral however because it constitutes a definition of different organs, keeping different cells apart and keeping the shape and definition of each organ and system. In other words, there is no “junk” DNA and there is no empty space and there aren’t really any useless people. Even the poor among us exist so that we can show our beneficence to those less fortunate than we.

You never know about people unless you get to know them. Until I spoke with this woman, I had no idea she ever went to college. Unless you call a certain member of the House of Representatives from Las Vegas to task about his qualifications, you will never learn that he actually dropped out of college. Not everyone gets $10 million from his father to get started in business like Donald Trump did, and not everyone who lives paycheck to paycheck belongs there. Some successful people got there by timing and luck, and some failures arrived in the gutter the same way. If you look at a person’s wage, title, living situation, and family relationships, you get a snapshot which, even if everything you see is true, is not usually the whole truth.

Each semester in the department office, someone leaves a box of Sees Candy. It’s fun and illuminating to watch professors select from the box the pieces they personally prefer. All of the candies are essentially made the same on the outside, and the people generally select chocolates based on the contents. Some hate nougat and others love nuts, and sometimes chocolates are cut beforetime to see what they contain before people commit. It’s paradoxical sometimes that we choose our chocolates based on their contents but judge people by their colorful candy shell. However, it’s apparently always been that way. I guess the point of all of this is what I tell my students each semester about the scientific method. Every decision I would have made differently in my life is because the information was either incomplete or inaccurate. Maybe it’s impossible to get EVERYTHING we need, but usually we stop when we get the information that’s easy or that validates what we want to be so. Each of us has the responsibility to find out as much information as we can and bear the consequence of the choice we make with the information we possess. Many first impressions are false, and first impressions are not the only impressions. This woman in receiving chose a lesser status and paycheck. The man on the river was the victim of choices. If you meet them, what you learn about this is true. There is also so much more.

Open Letter From Singles, Widows and Divorced

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The following is the original text of an unsent open letter to the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I originally wrote 28 February 2011

Dear Brethren:

Sometime in 2011, a group called LDS SWorD (Single Widowed or Divorced) will release a documentary on LDS singles over the age of 30. As I also fall into that particular demographic and after speaking with others therein, or who will soon belong to same, I have a few concerns and thoughts I feel inclined to share with the world at large.

Why is it stigmatic to be single at 30? Up until the beginning of the 20th century, it was perfectly normal and acceptable for a man to be single at that age no matter his Faith. After all, it took some time before he could procure education or employment necessary to assume the responsibilities of home and hearth, especially in more volatile times. Frequently, the Church would ask him to settle the wilderness or serve a mission, delaying his felicitations with women until he had matured somewhat. It was very common among my own genealogical forefathers to have large age gaps between husband and wife. I know times have changed, but I am not convinced that the stigma as constituted persists for good reason.

My own research has led to the conclusion met by others that Brigham Young never indemnified young men as such as “menaces to society” as they advanced in age. Yet, that belief has led to many rushed marriages, ostensibly to found families, but more apparently as a hedge against fornication. I worked with a woman during graduate school who told me she intended to marry her boyfriend just so that they wouldn’t be sinning. Sexual relations are poor materials with which to build a familial foundation.

The rising generation is different from previous generations. As the opportunities to connect with strangers increase, intimate connections and conversations with closely associated persons diminish. They no longer know how to talk to anyone they actually know and frequently turn to the internet for friendships and beyond. Where a mission, abroad or in the adjacent state, once sufficed to help a young man mature into roles of responsibility and leadership, some of the youth return without having grown so and are still encouraged, literally or as a consequence of the culture, to marry, mate and multiply before they actually become adults. Whereas young women were once taught how to run a household, many of them now attend college for no other reason than to obtain an “Mrs. degree” or to date. Some of the fathers are noticeably absent when it comes to teaching their sons how to chivalrously defend the virtue of women. Some of the mothers are also actively engaged in efforts that appear designed to hold their daughters back from maturing and to select potential husbands over which they can exert power and influence. In times of general strife, all of these struggling newlyweds may burden others more than the struggles can ever help those couples or the children that seem to quickly follow their nuptials and in some sad cases precede them.

Like everything else we build to last, families should be built on solid foundations. Faith, virtue, and industry are only some of the cornerstones for successful relationships. Anything else is Bad on the newlyweds, Bad on the children, Bad on the Church, and ultimately Bad on society. Many of them are not real people yet. They have not discovered themselves let alone what they actually want. Many of the parents encourage missions for the wrong reasons or disallow dating with people of character in favor of how the person might fit into the family. Few decide on marriage after they appeal to the Lord for guidance, especially if their families veto revelation with other interested, albeit uninspired, opinions. Many marry for convenience or to avoid sin and the shame that accompanies it. That may account for the rise in divorce within the Faith. I am not sure we do them a service encouraging them to marry or move out before they are ready. The messages that reach our young people are taught by strangers, carried on airwaves often void of filters and infrequently challenged by moral friends, inspired leaders and loving parents. I have frequently felt inspired to say things to some youth because I felt that if I did not then they might never hear what ought be said.

Different times call for a different strategy. Just as we now have four different generations in the workforce, we have four different generations of thought, values, and norms present within the echelons of the Faith. When I left for my mission almost 13 years ago, there were few electronic gadgets, smaller socioeconomic variances, and lower expectations. Like no generation before it, the one right behind my own requires, not just expects, things to start where they were when they left their parents’ home. They choose their friends and their mates differently. Whereas they choose their chocolates by what’s on the inside, they choose eternal companions based frequently on nothing more than a colorful candy shell. People of great character are cast aside in favor of great looks or great fortunes. Other men and women are possessed of Toys R Us Syndrome and do not want to grow up at all. Nobody wants to marry a teenager, but all too frequently teenagers marry each other.

I am certain that you mean well and that Christ, who gives you your directives, means them for our happiness. I am not sure how young people hear what you tell them, even if it makes perfect sense to you. As a college professor, I learned quickly that the message does not always get through even from me, and I am much closer to them in ideals and experiences than many of their actual leaders. Few of them have learned to inquire of the Lord, and even those who do frequently abandon His counsel when their peers challenge its validity. Although the reasons many of us are single vary widely, I am concerned that many youth of the Church marry young both in age and maturity, without sufficient benefit of acquired wisdom, proper parenting, and inspired guidance to help them make this all-too-important decision. Some go through motions and date only to appease those who express concerns, which does nothing to resolve them. Many are marrying for the wrong reasons or with misapprehensions of love, family, and commitment, which concerns me. I can only imagine how it concerns you and the Lord.

As I frequently interact with a steady stream of young folks embarking on their lives and college education, I am acutely aware of the problems. As a scientist, I have dedicated my career to solutions. I am at your disposal to discuss what is happening and how youth have received what is being taught so that they can be guided to a better understanding and execution of eternal values and virtues. Please contact me if I can be of any assistance in this most vital work, the work of the Lord, to exalt man and bind families together. Words matter. These people matter. What we do and are matter.

Your Brother in Christ-

Doug ******

I think it's time the church tackled the stigma that surrounds being single and over the age of 30.  The organization SWorD never made the video and subsequently vanished into the ether, but the problem remains.  I heard that 1% of single men over the age of 30 attend church and that 70% of people my age identify as spiritual but not religious.  I find the sentiments as relevant now as back then.  I also have this to say by way of final thoughts on the matter: It is good to marry.  It is better to marry in your Faith.  It is best to marry only when you actually love someone with an eye single to God's glory and not just because you seek to fulfill some visible aspect of faithfulness.

Wreckers and Builders

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Like many of you, I'm thinking about how I'd like 2019 to be different from other years. I've been silent on my blog a lot because sometimes I'm very upset. Sometimes what I want to say is either going to just increase my frustration or offend others, and I'm not interested in offense for the sake of offense. If something is wrong, I will speak my peace, but after I speak my peace, I decided to hold my peace. I also found out there was a way to increase my peace while still sharing what I think, feel, experience, and believe. One of the things I decided was to change how I shared things online. I tell people that my social media exists for three reasons: to share things with strangers, to remind myself of things I found and why I found them interesting, and to yell at public figures. With rare exception, this blog has already changed to be kinder and more uplifting, but my twitter feed is angry and condemnatory. The internet essentially runs on outrage. People either find or fabricate something that will foment discord and then let it fly. Meanwhile, they found a way to monetize it, and they use this anger to enrich themselves while other people tear each other apart. It's vulgar. So many people seek high places and high access so that they can rip on others. Well, I decided to try to change how I phrase things so that I can invite the people with whom I disagree to change reform rather than simply attacking them for what I perceive as deficiencies. Essentially, I'll offer them the choice: do you want to continue to be worthy of criticism or would you like to change to something better?

Contention is of the devil. If your motivation and intention is to incite a riot, or if you criticize others to get attention and attaboys, you're doing it incorrectly. Correction is supposed to be about the person, an invitation to change, so if you make it about you, to stir up contention, to appear to be better, or to get likes, retweets, shares, etc., then all you're doing is getting people upset. Sometimes it is necessary to go backwards first in order to move forwards, and sometimes it's necessary to destroy something to make way for something better, but if you're just throwing Molotov for the sake of sowing destruction and discord, then you're a wrecker. Wreckers don't need to be smart or skilled or principled. They just have to be loud. They just have to be controversial. Usually they thrive on attention because they are small, and being part of the riot makes them feel they are part of something. Wrecking is also sometimes fun; if you don't believe that, go take part in a demolition. It's fun to swing a sledge and break a wall or throw rocks through windows someone doesn't intend to reuse, but those just make a mess. Someone must clean up the mess when you finish the demolition or all you find at the end is a pile of rubbish. Wreckers don't usually clean up, and when they do, they don't often clean up well. A few proximal neighbors cleaned out homes vacated between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the amount of rubbish and debris from the former tenants overflowed the dumpsters they ordered so that garbage remained in the street days after the owners cleaned up. So, the houses look vacant and trashy. They may look better, but they're still damaged and dirty, and that's not attractive moving forward.

Your attention and affirmation for criticism only extends as long as your audience agrees with you 100%. As long as you attack the common enemy, people will cheer and support you. If you ever defend someone they perceive as an enemy, they'll forget prior allegiances. Perhaps you remember Cindy Sheehan of Code Pink who was a darling of the anti-war movement until she went into the weeds on some other ideas and started to cause embarrassment to the members of her original premise. Maybe you can understand and even appreciate her passion. However, if passion is a substitute for reason, your movement will not be reasonable and the people who share your passion will not be able to reason with you. Aristotle wrote that "the law is reason free from passion", and most argumentation, since it exists to stir up contention, is impassioned. They will talk about the plight of people without discussing how they got there. They will talk about our responsibility toward the downtrodden without talking about the responsibility of the downtrodden to help themselves. They will talk about mercy without justice, about generosity without respect for your time, about the needs of others without thinking about your needs. They will talk from their own perspective because everyone does. Everyone tends to project his world view onto others. So, since nobody sees the world the way you do, nobody will agree with you 100% except for you. Nobody. Some may come close, but there's an asymptote of perspective that means eventually contention will arise even in well-intended movements and ideas that are actually good. This tends to corrupt them from their intentions and create unintended consequences that marginalize many accomplishments and tarnish the members who genuinely do their best to create positive changes.

All too often, people talk about change as if it's all good, when everyone knows that change isn't always good. Fresh iron changes to rust. Smooth skin gives way to wrinkles. Noble politicians turn into greedy scoundrels. The law of entropy appears to govern not only chemistry but also psychology as well, probably because we are also made of chemicals and rely on them for our function and continuity. According to this law, if left to themselves, all things decay and increase in chaos and ruin. That's why a Savior was necessary. Damaged things cannot repair themselves, and imperfect things do not usually right themselves. Eventually, all things and all people must be invited to change FOR THE BETTER. The Christian way is to not just call people sinners but to invite them to repent. The criticism that matters isn't that which points out flaws; we all know that every person everywhere is flawed, no matter how the celebrities and politicians prattle their prescience, proficiency and purity. Criticism that helps people see a better way, to change FOR THE BETTER, to repent and turn another direction is what matters. Wrote the apostles: "But when thou art bidden, go and sit down in the lowest room; that when he that bade thee cometh, he may say unto thee, Friend, go up higher: then shalt thou have worship in the presence of them that sit at meat with thee. For whosoever exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted (Luke 14:10-11)". Jesus constantly praised those who acknowledge their unworthiness before God, their need for a Savior. In truth, the first step to reformation is recognition. Come and sit in the lowest room. Cleanse the inward vessel. Start with the man in the mirror. Start by changing something chaotic in your own life, and then shalt thou see clearly to remove the mote that is in thy brother's eye. It is easy to be critical. It is easy to be a wrecker. It is tempting to exalt ourselves, and all too often when we criticize we do so out of pride because we miss the mark. It is possible to critique someone without being critical. People who offer critiques all believe this, even if you perceive their critique to be critical. Maybe it is. More to the point, when you give the "constructive criticism", you want to be judged on your intentions. Why and how we do something matter just as much as what we do if not more. If you reprove with sharpness and then ignore someone or ghost them, they are probably justified to view your actions as ill-intended. However, the well intended invitation to change comes concomitant with an increase in care, concern, and love towards the reproved. You don't cut them off. You continue to minister to them hoping that they will return and repent. The humble man who calls you to repentance will also point you to the Savior. He will show you a better way. He won't just roast you for a weakness, but he will show you a way to make weakness into strength.  He will continue to strive with you.

Life is an uncertain realm filled with danger where the weak are often oppressed by the strong and where we either burn or grow stronger in the furnace of affliction. Like the iron in the forge, the affliction exists, not to point out our weaknesses but as a means to remove them from us. Impurities are removed in chemistry one of two ways: addition of a solvent or changes in the heat. It is no accident that we are made better by baptism of water and fire. Our lives are invitations to draw closer to a Savior, to rise up, to rise above our baser natures and become better men, to build up and build upon and build better things. Wrote the poet:

I walked one day through a lonely town; Some workers were tearing a building down. With a ho-heave-ho and a husky yell, they swung a beam and a side wall fell. I asked the Foreman "Are these men skilled? The kind you'd hire if you want to build?" "Oh no," he chuckled. "No indeed. Common labor is all I need. Why I can destroy in a day or two What builders have taken weeks to do." I thought to myself as I went on my way Which of these roles have I tried to play? Am I a builder who works with care, Strengthening lives by rule and square? Or am I a wrecker who walks around Content with the task of tearing down?

Destroying things and criticizing others is easy. It takes no skill or candor or intellect or training to tear down others. It takes a great deal of skill and talent and time and patience and practice and work to create something. It takes someone and something more than tweets, hashtags and financial donations. It takes a Savior. This year, I decided that I would try to talk to others more like Jesus did. Yes, sometimes He was upset with what they did or why or how, but He also invited them to be better, to come to Him, and He tried to build them up because He knew of what they were capable. Enzio Busche once admonished me "When you cannot love someone, look into their eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him." I choose to make my commentary reflect that I care about them and desire better things for them. We'll see how well I do.