The following is the original text of an unsent open letter to the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that I originally wrote 28 February 2011
Dear Brethren:Sometime in 2011, a group called LDS SWorD (Single Widowed or Divorced) will release a documentary on LDS singles over the age of 30. As I also fall into that particular demographic and after speaking with others therein, or who will soon belong to same, I have a few concerns and thoughts I feel inclined to share with the world at large.Why is it stigmatic to be single at 30? Up until the beginning of the 20th century, it was perfectly normal and acceptable for a man to be single at that age no matter his Faith. After all, it took some time before he could procure education or employment necessary to assume the responsibilities of home and hearth, especially in more volatile times. Frequently, the Church would ask him to settle the wilderness or serve a mission, delaying his felicitations with women until he had matured somewhat. It was very common among my own genealogical forefathers to have large age gaps between husband and wife. I know times have changed, but I am not convinced that the stigma as constituted persists for good reason.My own research has led to the conclusion met by others that Brigham Young never indemnified young men as such as “menaces to society” as they advanced in age. Yet, that belief has led to many rushed marriages, ostensibly to found families, but more apparently as a hedge against fornication. I worked with a woman during graduate school who told me she intended to marry her boyfriend just so that they wouldn’t be sinning. Sexual relations are poor materials with which to build a familial foundation.The rising generation is different from previous generations. As the opportunities to connect with strangers increase, intimate connections and conversations with closely associated persons diminish. They no longer know how to talk to anyone they actually know and frequently turn to the internet for friendships and beyond. Where a mission, abroad or in the adjacent state, once sufficed to help a young man mature into roles of responsibility and leadership, some of the youth return without having grown so and are still encouraged, literally or as a consequence of the culture, to marry, mate and multiply before they actually become adults. Whereas young women were once taught how to run a household, many of them now attend college for no other reason than to obtain an “Mrs. degree” or to date. Some of the fathers are noticeably absent when it comes to teaching their sons how to chivalrously defend the virtue of women. Some of the mothers are also actively engaged in efforts that appear designed to hold their daughters back from maturing and to select potential husbands over which they can exert power and influence. In times of general strife, all of these struggling newlyweds may burden others more than the struggles can ever help those couples or the children that seem to quickly follow their nuptials and in some sad cases precede them.Like everything else we build to last, families should be built on solid foundations. Faith, virtue, and industry are only some of the cornerstones for successful relationships. Anything else is Bad on the newlyweds, Bad on the children, Bad on the Church, and ultimately Bad on society. Many of them are not real people yet. They have not discovered themselves let alone what they actually want. Many of the parents encourage missions for the wrong reasons or disallow dating with people of character in favor of how the person might fit into the family. Few decide on marriage after they appeal to the Lord for guidance, especially if their families veto revelation with other interested, albeit uninspired, opinions. Many marry for convenience or to avoid sin and the shame that accompanies it. That may account for the rise in divorce within the Faith. I am not sure we do them a service encouraging them to marry or move out before they are ready. The messages that reach our young people are taught by strangers, carried on airwaves often void of filters and infrequently challenged by moral friends, inspired leaders and loving parents. I have frequently felt inspired to say things to some youth because I felt that if I did not then they might never hear what ought be said.Different times call for a different strategy. Just as we now have four different generations in the workforce, we have four different generations of thought, values, and norms present within the echelons of the Faith. When I left for my mission almost 13 years ago, there were few electronic gadgets, smaller socioeconomic variances, and lower expectations. Like no generation before it, the one right behind my own requires, not just expects, things to start where they were when they left their parents’ home. They choose their friends and their mates differently. Whereas they choose their chocolates by what’s on the inside, they choose eternal companions based frequently on nothing more than a colorful candy shell. People of great character are cast aside in favor of great looks or great fortunes. Other men and women are possessed of Toys R Us Syndrome and do not want to grow up at all. Nobody wants to marry a teenager, but all too frequently teenagers marry each other.I am certain that you mean well and that Christ, who gives you your directives, means them for our happiness. I am not sure how young people hear what you tell them, even if it makes perfect sense to you. As a college professor, I learned quickly that the message does not always get through even from me, and I am much closer to them in ideals and experiences than many of their actual leaders. Few of them have learned to inquire of the Lord, and even those who do frequently abandon His counsel when their peers challenge its validity. Although the reasons many of us are single vary widely, I am concerned that many youth of the Church marry young both in age and maturity, without sufficient benefit of acquired wisdom, proper parenting, and inspired guidance to help them make this all-too-important decision. Some go through motions and date only to appease those who express concerns, which does nothing to resolve them. Many are marrying for the wrong reasons or with misapprehensions of love, family, and commitment, which concerns me. I can only imagine how it concerns you and the Lord.As I frequently interact with a steady stream of young folks embarking on their lives and college education, I am acutely aware of the problems. As a scientist, I have dedicated my career to solutions. I am at your disposal to discuss what is happening and how youth have received what is being taught so that they can be guided to a better understanding and execution of eternal values and virtues. Please contact me if I can be of any assistance in this most vital work, the work of the Lord, to exalt man and bind families together. Words matter. These people matter. What we do and are matter.Your Brother in Christ-Doug ******
I think it's time the church tackled the stigma that surrounds being single and over the age of 30. The organization SWorD never made the video and subsequently vanished into the ether, but the problem remains. I heard that 1% of single men over the age of 30 attend church and that 70% of people my age identify as spiritual but not religious. I find the sentiments as relevant now as back then. I also have this to say by way of final thoughts on the matter: It is good to marry. It is better to marry in your Faith. It is best to marry only when you actually love someone with an eye single to God's glory and not just because you seek to fulfill some visible aspect of faithfulness.
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