Good Memory; Bad Memory; Random Access Memory

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People who know me and speak with me sometimes tell me that they wish they had my memory. I can recall conversations, movies, scents, languages, musical scores that I then play on instruments, facts, figures, scriptures, studies, articles, etc. They wish they had the ability to recall at whim whatever they needed as I seem able to. What they don’t know is that I don’t just recall the things I wish to recall. My mind remembers everything. There is usually another side to the coin with something we envy in other people, and the dark side of this one is that I can recollect things I wish to forget just as easily and often without wishing it so to be.

I was not ever thus, and I do not remember all of my life. At the age of six, I was involved in a serious vehicular collision in the UK and was resuscitated on the scene. I remember absolutely nothing from before that time, but if you ask my mother, she will tell you that I would ask probing questions evincing a change of mind after I returned from the dead. In her words, talking to me was like talking to a little old man. After that day, my brain soaked up everything. My mother dropped me at the library, and I would scroll through the stacks and the card catalogue looking for information, answers, and knowledge. Unfortunately, unchaperoned as I was, I also encountered things I wish I had not. It took years for the knowledge to matter, because eight year old kids are not involved in adult conversations and activities, but I knew without any practical knowledge things that no eight year old kid should know. And I remember those things too.

For most of my academic endeavors, the memory served me well. I attended class, took notes, did homework, studied for tests, and in some cases I could recall not only the questions on exams but also the other answers and the order in which they were on the page. I could describe a page in a book and where the answer was found on the page in that book. I can recite scripture and context, Shakespeare and Chaucer, play instruments, switch between multiple languages on the metro platform beneath Notre Dame, and tell you where I was and what I was doing on certain randomly chosen days of my life. I remember names of students from 12 years ago, of homeless men I met when I was at university, of the friends I had in high school, and of people I taught as a missionary in the European Alps. When I am in town, I remember exactly where my grandparents are buried because I was at their funerals, and I know which exits and roads to use because I remember landmarks and turns and other features of the cemetaries. I know it’s macabre, but maybe I remember them because they mattered to me. I had to study like everyone else to get here. Things don’t just spring into my head; I have to go read about them. I am not really as smart as people think I am; I just have an exceptionally good memory. And it’s random. I annoy people I’m sure by blurting out things that are relevant but not solicited when my brain randomly accesses something related and is glad of a chance to blurt it out. I mean, I like to stump people by asking if they know Donald Duck’s middle name. Do you know where I saw it? In a rerun of a WWII cartoon where Donald gets drafted and it’s printed on his draft notice. It flicked by on the screen in seconds and is now indelibly scribbled in the folds of my brain.

I also have an exceptionally bad memory. I don’t mean that I forget. I mean that my memory also recalls the bad as well in the same living colour, lurid detail, and vibrant resonance as the good parts. I remember the first time a bee stung me, the second time I died, the last words my grandparents said to me, the promises my ex wife made and broke, the empty rejection form letter that Homeland Security sent me when I applied to work there, and the rejection of women who spurned my affections. If you ask me any dark time, if I had it, whether I wish to or not, I can recollect those things too, often verbatim. And when I am lonely, sad, or bored, as I said in a previous post, those things return unbidden and unwanted.

Professionals are aware of this potential. While I don’t have total recall in a sense of being able to recite word for word, hour for hour, person by person, I can give you the Reader’s digest version of anything and the verbatim rehearsal of things that matter to me. Psychologists like Dr. Andrew Huberman know that intelligent people often have a greater ability to recollect and that this also makes them more miserable, both in life as well as possibly when you must deal with us. Back in 2015 after an incident at work, I had a brain MRI, and the neurologist noted that my brain activity is peculiar. Parts that are active in other people are inactive in my brain; parts that are usually inactive are active in mine. When people ask me how I’m “so smart” and “know so much” I now simply tell them “Brain Damage.” I have after all been dead before, and death damages your brain.

Maybe this is one reason I can’t just simply “let the past go”. I awake almost every morning around 4:45 and lie in bed while my brain catches up with where I am. Every day, my brain replays my life in order to figure out where I am since it circumscribes the past into one great whole. I have trouble telling how far it has been since things happened without doing the math, because everything, for better or worse, feels like I learned it, felt it, experienced it yesterday or maybe the day before that. Every day, my brain reminds me of the past. Sometimes it just glosses over it; it’s not like I relive every titular detail, but I do remind myself of everything that ever happened to me since I was six. It’s quite a strange way to start every day. I explain to people it’s kind of like in “Fifty First Dates” where she awakes every morning and watches a video of her life to catch her up since she lost her memory except that I have all of mine and just don’t know which yesterday was actually… well… yesterday. The past isn’t that long ago for me. It really does seem like only yesterday I fell in love for the first time, bought the house I’ve been in for almost 13 years, moved to Vegas, or had my fuel line rupture and spill all my gas enroute to work (that was actually this past Monday). Since it has now happened, my mind will remember it in perpetuity.

I know people mean well when they tell me to “forget about it” or “let the past die”. I can’t “kill it if I have to”. There is truth in the past. Those things actually happened. Most people tend to remember the past incorrectly or forget it with time, and most people don’t have all the details to explain the past, but I remember it. Last month, the Dean was in my office on a Friday morning and called me some, shall we say, more colourful metaphors. I brought it up with him last week; he doesn’t remember doing it. So, aside from mentioning it, I’m letting it go. Obviously he doesn’t really feel that way or he’d still feel that way about me today. That leads us to the present. In the present there is also truth. The things we are experiencing now are real, or at least they could be. The trouble is that, like Samuel Adams, I “Know no way of judging the future but by the past” and although your future is not their past, since I’ve experienced these things before, I use experience as a lamp unto my feet and a guide unto my path. I heard those dulcet tones before only to be disappointed. Your future is not their past, but it could be, and I’ve learned to be pessimistic about people.

There is a dark cloud to every silver lining. I once told my friend whom I visited this May in France that I wished I had his physique. He told me that the men in his line with that physique also have early onset dementia and that, but the age of 70, he would probably forget who I was. He’s 60 now. You can’t just look at a person and take, as if they were a buffet, only the rosy parts of them to yourself. Yes, I have a great memory, but I also have a great and TERRIBLE memory. And if you lie to me, hurt me, or betray me, I will remember that just as vividly as the last words my grandparents said to me before they died. Maybe it’s a blessing that your memory is not as good as mine, because it’s also not as bad.

The Douglas Effect on Self Esteem

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People criticize me constantly. One of the more common criticisms is how much I allow what other people think of me to affect me. The fact of the matter is that, since we live in a world with other people, their thoughts about you DO affect you. What these people really mean is that they wish I let those opinions and attitudes affect me less than I do. Can I do more to change how much I am affected? Absolutely. The problem is that many of these people, however well-meaning they may be, talk and act as if I have total power to ablate any effect had on me by other people. There are limits to my response, because I still live in the world and encounter its denizens at random (or seemingly so), and you never know who you will meet, what they will say/do, or what you will say/do in retort. I can make an effort to minimize their affects to the tray; I can never ablate their power to add or detract completely. Plus, all too often, the same people with good intentions eventually join the throngs of those finding fault with me. At the end of the day, the world and people in it will affect you to one degree or another. Let me explain why.

Others Affect You

Unless you live alone on your own planet, other people’s decisions, actions, and attitudes affect you. You were raised by parents. You were taught by teachers. Now you have to put up with coworkers. My boss’s opinion of me determines, at least to some degree, whether he authorizes overtime, promotions or vacation when I warrant them. My bishop at church is required to judge me. If I had a spouse, her decisions would affect me: what we eat, how much we spend, where we live, how many pets we have, etc. The driver in front of me who doesn’t chance a gap holds me back from forward progress at a traffic light. If there are only four of an item and I’m fifth in line, I might not get one. People affect you all the time, because you are surrounded by them. Some of them affect you more than others, and most people come into your life for only a small season, but the notion that you should not allow others to affect you is naïve and childish.

Not everyone must or should affect you or at least not as much as they do. One of the biggest criticisms I hear is about how much my ex wife affected me. She burned me pretty badly, and here we are pushing 20 years since she left and people can still sense and hear how much it hurt, and I didn’t even really like her that much. But, for a long time I felt like I had to describe myself as divorced, particularly to the IRS, and the fact of the matter is that I have been married before. This means that I’m no virgin. This means I have had a bad experience that made me gun shy. This means that I got taken to the cleaners by a judge for alimony. However, those things are LONG gone, so the only way they must affect me is in the fact that they really did happen. Since they are no longer happening, I determine how much I let them bother me today. I’m working on it, but it was one of the worst betrayals of my life, and if I don’t get over it when you think I ought to does not mean that even when I am over it I will never think about her again or what happened between us. The problem with the past is that, unlike the future wherein our hopes and dreams are couched, the past has ALREADY HAPPENED, meaning there is more truth in the past than in the future. In the present, Kim only affects me when I let her or when some government paperwork (or even a genealogical record) insists that I indicate that I once had a wife.  

Asymptotes of Effect

In mathematically relevant behaviors, sometimes asymptotes exist that prevent a series from exceeding a certain limit. When it comes to personal opinions and attitudes, I believe two asymptotes exist. First, there is an asymptote that determines the maximum effect the opinions of others can (or maybe ought) exert on your life. Simply put, a single opinion has a maximum ability to affect your life, because other people do not share that person’s experiences with you. Your opinion of yourself can counterbalance how you feel, and the feelings of other people who disagree can help modulate the effect and put a ceiling on its effect. Its magnitude is determined in part by how many people share that opinion of or reaction to you counterweighted by how much you care about those people. People who are emotionally relevant tend to affect your esteem more than abject strangers unless the number of strangers reaches above a certain threshold. The more common and second type of asymptote is the minimal effector. No matter how much I think about myself, I know I’m not perfect or even that great sometimes, and there are always people who think I suck for one reason or another. So, I can push it down to a minimum, but I can never push their influence on me to zero. Even most of my fan club begin at a place where they see no wrong and then realize that I’m human and how much that bothers them. I remember the first time my sister heard me swear. The look on her face was as if she had just learned there is no Santa. My fans are probably just upset that they think better of me than they think I do and that I’m more critical of myself than they feel is warranted. The problem is that you don’t spend most of your day with people who adore you, or at least I don’t. I spend most of my time at work.

There is one codicil to the asymptote effect, and that involves people who are Indian givers when it comes to affirmation. People come into your life, buoy you up, and then either disappear or retract their praise and affirmation. I don’t give much of a first impression, and people will eventually warm up to me and give me praise. However, they also discover as they get to know me that I have opinions, attitudes, and habits with which they disagree. Often, women will come along, sing my praises, discover something and then revert back to their first impression. Growing up, it might not surprise you to discover that not only was I a nerd/dork, but I was also the new kid most of the time, so people either chose not to invest in me at all or withdrew once they discovered I would be moving in a year or two. If someone meets you, lifts you up, and then returns you back where they found you when they find out you are not “Mr. Perfect” it reinforces your original asymptotes. I set up my asymptotes to protect me. Maybe people meant what they said at the time, and maybe they deserved it at the time, but eventually they have shown me by their decisions that the opposite is true. Then I revert back to the original asymptotes and conclude based on how others treat me that I must not be that great.

Optimum Range

You have some power to affect the range of effect between the two asymptotes aforementioned. The more satisfied and comfortable you are with yourself, the lower the upper effect asymptote can rise. The more vulnerable your life is to the decisions of others (high school, in a marriage, in a competitive job) the higher the lower effect asymptote will rise. Between those two then lies the wiggle room wherein I can actually satiate those who complain to me and minimize the impact. I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, which people in the honeymoon stage of acquaintance do not actually know, and some people never discover. Most of the time, my self esteem level is as low as the gasoline level in an empty tank. I also think it odd when people praise me for doing what I believe is expected, like coming to work promptly each day. Yet, people are commended for the asinine as well as the astronomical. I was taught to embrace compliments but never inhale them, but mostly I brush them aside because they make me feel awkward. I know what I am, and I’m not always comfortable seeing the good in me. You may insist I ought to, and you may be right to do so. Trouble is that self esteem is also self determined.

What some people forget consequently is how much effort this takes. I am most likely to be beset by painful memories of the past when I am sad, lonely, tired or bored. I am tired and bored A LOT. Then, these memories come unbidden, unsanctioned, and unwelcome usually to corrupt my reason and trouble my comfort. Most of the people with whom I spend time and most of my time is not spent with members of my fan club. Mostly I spend time with strangers. Perhaps if I was able to bask in the glow of positive affirmation from my fans more often I might actually begin to believe their moral sentiments more. Contrariwise, I spend most of my day with scientists, who are not prone to effusive praise, students who are prone to effusive entitlement, and to a boss who is always tired because he’s putting out some fire. This is hardly a fertile environment for self esteem to grow. All too often it seems people begin to water my esteem with praise and comfort only to change their tunes or abandon me just before I otherwise might flower and bloom. Some of them trample me. That often resets my ranges and undoes what they tried to accomplish.

I still work, I still have to interact with other people, so I don’t have the luxury of ignoring everyone carte blanch or only harkening to those who sing my praises. The only people who have the luxury of not caring what other people think of them are the exceptionally wealthy, however you define wealth. Those people can afford to isolate themselves from others who could otherwise affect them and surround themselves with the very best of everything, in particular the best attitudes and friends. If you are already at the top, people can’t hold you down, they can only drag you down, but if you ignore them, what power do they have to drag you down? On the same side of that coin, those who are wealthy in things of eternal nature may find themselves possessed of the same power, a quiet confidence that their calling and election before God has been made sure because of their peaceable walk with Him. Besides that, it’s probably not healthy to only surround yourself with sycophants. If they are liars, then you might swallow the tripe and double down on abhorrent behaviors and attitudes. I am not rich in any way. I am pretty average when it comes to material possessions and to the service of the Master. I don’t really do anything special, or at least I don’t think anything I do for Him is anything more than what He deserves in response for that grace which so fully He proffers me.

My self esteem is not based on the intentions of others. It is based on how they show me that they value me. I actually think I’m pretty damn spectacular. I have many facets that are of good report and praiseworthy. Spending your life believing that you are a catch while women constantly reject you is foolish. My self-assessment is irrelevant; I'm only as appealing as others find me.  If it were true that I was such a catch, you’d think that I’d have more or at least better friends, that people would respect me and defer to me. IN experience, the contrapositive is true, and so when I don’t think much of myself, that’s because I have learned how the world values me and started acting accordingly. It’s not that I only see the bad in me. It’s that I know based on how people treat me what they actually think. If you want to come and beautify my life, stop by. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be glad you stopped by.

Not Everyone Who Worships With You Shares Your Faith

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In our modern world, it has become more evident than ever before that people pretend to be things they are not. Men pretend to be women, politicians pretend to care about their constituents, and now some people even insist not only that they are border collies but demand that we acknowledge them as such. There have always been wolves in sheep’s clothing, but now the wolves just come and demand to be referred to as sheep. This is particularly troublesome in religion, because every denomination is tainted by those who profess the Faith but who do not keep it, who “teach for doctrines the commandments of men having a form of godliness but who deny the power thereof” (JSH 1:19). Not everyone who worships with you shares your faith. Here is why.

Worship halls do not have litmus tests, admission examinations or metal detectors to reaffirm other congregants of your spiritual mettle. In fact, everyone is welcome to come and join, which is as it should be. Perhaps you have visited a congregation of another faith to share the experience as I have whether it be mass at Mont St. Michel or a sweat lodge on the Walker Indian Reservation in Schurz NV. Just because I attend doesn’t mean I share their beliefs or have any intention of supporting them. Some people are not there as I was in France as a tourist. Some of them are ravenous wolves among the flock. If you do not have a good shepherd in your flock, or at least a good sheep dog (or Sheep Doug in my case) to nip at their heels and keep them in line, it is easy to have your flock infiltrated. Villains no longer clothe themselves all in black, twirl their mustaches and cackle with an evil chuckle like Barnaby in “Babes in Toyland”. Today they “Clothe their naked villainy in odd old ends stolen forth from holy writ and seem saints when most they play the devil” (Richard III).

What do we do? We are admonished against throwing them out. “unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them” (3 NE 18:32). We welcome them still just as Jesus did. He always let the Pharisees and Sadducees be present, and the Romans sometimes came too as we know, because he knew it was possible that anyone might repent at any time. However, you must learn to discern.

Last weekend at the conference we were given some direction by Elder Gary Stevenson that applies to this. We were told to stand in holy places, stand with holy people, testify of holy truths and listen to the holy spirit. All of these help us to discern God’s will, protect us from harm and guide us towards blessings, but some of them are specific to the notion that there are always wolves among us and some of them clothe themselves as sheep. Evil people won’t go to or at least abide in holy places. If you go there often or go there and stay, those people will voluntarily leave. Evil people don’t listen to the spirit or abide holy truths, so they will either argue with you or leave if you follow promptings or testify of gospel truths. Of course, the final advice, which is crucial but difficult, is to stand with holy people. How do you tell and why does it matter?

CS Lewis admonished in Reflections on Psalms against spending time with vile, virulent people. He wrote:

I am inclined to think a Christian would be wise to avoid, where he decently can, any meeting with people who are bullies, lascivious, cruel, dishonest, spiteful and so forth. Not because we are “too good” for them. In a sense because we are not good enough. We are not good enough to cope with all the temptations, nor clever enough to cope with all the problems, which an evening spent in such society produces. The temptation is to condone, to connive at; by our words, looks and laughter, to “consent”…

We have to find out who these people are so that we do not end up joining in with them mocking that which is righteous or judging that which is evil to be of God or at least “not that bad”. Bad situations can wear down good people. You all know someone who justified a little sin and then over time ended up joining in and condoning and then supporting licentiousness. Mr Miyagi advised us somewhat more brevitously that “Best way avoid fight? Not be there.” We need to avoid those places and people so that we can spend less time fighting satan’s servants and more time acting like God’s. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, if you often dwell in holy places, read holy writ, and attempt to hearken to the Holy Spirit, it means you are inclined towards Jesus. That’s a good place to be!

How then do we screen for those people who are holy people? We follow Elder Stevenson’s admonition. We place Christ first. We spend time willingly in holy places, talk openly and often of holy things and live so we can commune effectively and frequently with the Holy Spirit. The devil’s disciples won’t do those things, and they will discourage us from doing them. You can tell who your true friends are by what of your private faith practices they don’t oppose and your false friends by the things you do that they protest. When I went to France, I convinced my friend to attend mass at Mont St Michel. If he were averse to Christ or to me, he would have ignored my request, and so will the truly ungodly, no matter how much they portend to be believers. Those who do not truly invite Christ into their lives will not truly feel at home in places of worship. Since their attachment to Christ never goes beyond grammatical levels, the words spoken at worship service will weigh heavily on their ears. They will not appear to be glad for any reason during services until the time arrives to board transportation home.

When it comes to faith and the Faith, people cannot long halt between two opinions. What they do not do in their personal life they will not do in public worship. Those who do not sing praises at home will not sing hymns at church. Those who do not pray in private will not pray in the group and may often arrive late to miss the prayers or refuse to close their eyes during the prayer. Those who do not read God’s word will not attend Sunday School for fear of being forced to hear it there. Those who do not build the kingdom with their sweat or specie will feel ill at ease in edifices built by those who do. Those who do not live the Articles of Faith will resent, mock and ostracize those who do. Those who do not act diligently in their office, who are not shepherds of the Lord’s flock will resent anyone who attempts to be one, even if they are more sheepdog than shepherd. Although the unbeliever may rise in office they will not rise to the challenge, rise to the occasion, nor rise to do the work or put their shoulder to the wheel or volunteer to serve and sacrifice if it requires them to actually work, all the while demanding that you do. They will sit upon their thrones in a thoughtless stupor, basking in the glory, peacocking in their position, and boastful in their calling. Those who do not help advance God’s work progress will receive neither joy nor glory when the sheaves are gathered.

If you have friends you think may not be true believers in Christ, talk with them about the gospel. Pray with them. Read scripture with them. Those who are not open to the redeeming blood of the Savior will not long wish to hear His name nor any of His teachings, and those who are openly opposed to your belief will not welcome such conversation in their midst. If you want to know if a person you like will follow Christ, take him/her to holy places, speak to him/her of holy things, and read with him/her from holy writ. Perhaps, as my ex wife was, she/he is a charlatan, but if they are secretly or openly opposed to the Master, they will not be able to abide that forever if at all. I used to have a friend who would come over to my house and discuss the doctrine in the dark in my living room, and both of my close male friends, despite being Catholic or Quaker respectively, both frequently entertain conversations about faith and my Faith. Both of them have even attended services with me, and now I have reciprocated with both of them.

Our lives are a crucible in which the fires of affliction create reactions that change us from what we are into what we truly desire to become. With enough time and effort, you can discern people who share your principles, values and vision. With enough trial and tribulation, you can discern whether you truly believe the things you espouse. If you wish to be of the world, you can establish conditions that will cause you to react into something the world values. If you wish to be out of the world, there are conditions that will tend in that direction too, but you make the choice of how you react. Ultimately, there is an empirical formula to this turning point. You either come closer to Christ, or you move further from Him. The wolves will always drive you away from the flock. Sometimes, the sheepdogs (or sheep Dougs as it were) may seem to do so as well, but if you follow Elder Stevenson’s advice, it will be easier to tell the chaff from the wheat, the wheat from the tares, the good from the evil. Everything that is good and comes from God encourages you to do good and only good, to draw toward Christ and to draw others towards Him too, and values character over the metrics measured and magnified by men. And when you find those who worship what you worship, invite them to join you.

Visitors are always welcome.

Come join us for worship. For help finding a meetinghouse, go to https://maps.churchofjesuschrist.org/ and enter your location to find a congregation (and time) near you. And if you end up in mine, come say hello. There is always an empty seat beside me. I try to always save room for Jesus.