People criticize me constantly. One of the more common criticisms is how much I allow what other people think of me to affect me. The fact of the matter is that, since we live in a world with other people, their thoughts about you DO affect you. What these people really mean is that they wish I let those opinions and attitudes affect me less than I do. Can I do more to change how much I am affected? Absolutely. The problem is that many of these people, however well-meaning they may be, talk and act as if I have total power to ablate any effect had on me by other people. There are limits to my response, because I still live in the world and encounter its denizens at random (or seemingly so), and you never know who you will meet, what they will say/do, or what you will say/do in retort. I can make an effort to minimize their affects to the tray; I can never ablate their power to add or detract completely. Plus, all too often, the same people with good intentions eventually join the throngs of those finding fault with me. At the end of the day, the world and people in it will affect you to one degree or another. Let me explain why.
Others Affect You
Unless you live alone on your own planet, other people’s decisions, actions, and attitudes affect you. You were raised by parents. You were taught by teachers. Now you have to put up with coworkers. My boss’s opinion of me determines, at least to some degree, whether he authorizes overtime, promotions or vacation when I warrant them. My bishop at church is required to judge me. If I had a spouse, her decisions would affect me: what we eat, how much we spend, where we live, how many pets we have, etc. The driver in front of me who doesn’t chance a gap holds me back from forward progress at a traffic light. If there are only four of an item and I’m fifth in line, I might not get one. People affect you all the time, because you are surrounded by them. Some of them affect you more than others, and most people come into your life for only a small season, but the notion that you should not allow others to affect you is naïve and childish.
Not everyone must or should affect you or at least not as much as they do. One of the biggest criticisms I hear is about how much my ex wife affected me. She burned me pretty badly, and here we are pushing 20 years since she left and people can still sense and hear how much it hurt, and I didn’t even really like her that much. But, for a long time I felt like I had to describe myself as divorced, particularly to the IRS, and the fact of the matter is that I have been married before. This means that I’m no virgin. This means I have had a bad experience that made me gun shy. This means that I got taken to the cleaners by a judge for alimony. However, those things are LONG gone, so the only way they must affect me is in the fact that they really did happen. Since they are no longer happening, I determine how much I let them bother me today. I’m working on it, but it was one of the worst betrayals of my life, and if I don’t get over it when you think I ought to does not mean that even when I am over it I will never think about her again or what happened between us. The problem with the past is that, unlike the future wherein our hopes and dreams are couched, the past has ALREADY HAPPENED, meaning there is more truth in the past than in the future. In the present, Kim only affects me when I let her or when some government paperwork (or even a genealogical record) insists that I indicate that I once had a wife.
Asymptotes of Effect
In mathematically relevant behaviors, sometimes asymptotes exist that prevent a series from exceeding a certain limit. When it comes to personal opinions and attitudes, I believe two asymptotes exist. First, there is an asymptote that determines the maximum effect the opinions of others can (or maybe ought) exert on your life. Simply put, a single opinion has a maximum ability to affect your life, because other people do not share that person’s experiences with you. Your opinion of yourself can counterbalance how you feel, and the feelings of other people who disagree can help modulate the effect and put a ceiling on its effect. Its magnitude is determined in part by how many people share that opinion of or reaction to you counterweighted by how much you care about those people. People who are emotionally relevant tend to affect your esteem more than abject strangers unless the number of strangers reaches above a certain threshold. The more common and second type of asymptote is the minimal effector. No matter how much I think about myself, I know I’m not perfect or even that great sometimes, and there are always people who think I suck for one reason or another. So, I can push it down to a minimum, but I can never push their influence on me to zero. Even most of my fan club begin at a place where they see no wrong and then realize that I’m human and how much that bothers them. I remember the first time my sister heard me swear. The look on her face was as if she had just learned there is no Santa. My fans are probably just upset that they think better of me than they think I do and that I’m more critical of myself than they feel is warranted. The problem is that you don’t spend most of your day with people who adore you, or at least I don’t. I spend most of my time at work.
There is one codicil to the asymptote effect, and that involves people who are Indian givers when it comes to affirmation. People come into your life, buoy you up, and then either disappear or retract their praise and affirmation. I don’t give much of a first impression, and people will eventually warm up to me and give me praise. However, they also discover as they get to know me that I have opinions, attitudes, and habits with which they disagree. Often, women will come along, sing my praises, discover something and then revert back to their first impression. Growing up, it might not surprise you to discover that not only was I a nerd/dork, but I was also the new kid most of the time, so people either chose not to invest in me at all or withdrew once they discovered I would be moving in a year or two. If someone meets you, lifts you up, and then returns you back where they found you when they find out you are not “Mr. Perfect” it reinforces your original asymptotes. I set up my asymptotes to protect me. Maybe people meant what they said at the time, and maybe they deserved it at the time, but eventually they have shown me by their decisions that the opposite is true. Then I revert back to the original asymptotes and conclude based on how others treat me that I must not be that great.
Optimum Range
You have some power to affect the range of effect between the two asymptotes aforementioned. The more satisfied and comfortable you are with yourself, the lower the upper effect asymptote can rise. The more vulnerable your life is to the decisions of others (high school, in a marriage, in a competitive job) the higher the lower effect asymptote will rise. Between those two then lies the wiggle room wherein I can actually satiate those who complain to me and minimize the impact. I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, which people in the honeymoon stage of acquaintance do not actually know, and some people never discover. Most of the time, my self esteem level is as low as the gasoline level in an empty tank. I also think it odd when people praise me for doing what I believe is expected, like coming to work promptly each day. Yet, people are commended for the asinine as well as the astronomical. I was taught to embrace compliments but never inhale them, but mostly I brush them aside because they make me feel awkward. I know what I am, and I’m not always comfortable seeing the good in me. You may insist I ought to, and you may be right to do so. Trouble is that self esteem is also self determined.
What some people forget consequently is how much effort this takes. I am most likely to be beset by painful memories of the past when I am sad, lonely, tired or bored. I am tired and bored A LOT. Then, these memories come unbidden, unsanctioned, and unwelcome usually to corrupt my reason and trouble my comfort. Most of the people with whom I spend time and most of my time is not spent with members of my fan club. Mostly I spend time with strangers. Perhaps if I was able to bask in the glow of positive affirmation from my fans more often I might actually begin to believe their moral sentiments more. Contrariwise, I spend most of my day with scientists, who are not prone to effusive praise, students who are prone to effusive entitlement, and to a boss who is always tired because he’s putting out some fire. This is hardly a fertile environment for self esteem to grow. All too often it seems people begin to water my esteem with praise and comfort only to change their tunes or abandon me just before I otherwise might flower and bloom. Some of them trample me. That often resets my ranges and undoes what they tried to accomplish.
I still work, I still have to interact with other people, so I don’t have the luxury of ignoring everyone carte blanch or only harkening to those who sing my praises. The only people who have the luxury of not caring what other people think of them are the exceptionally wealthy, however you define wealth. Those people can afford to isolate themselves from others who could otherwise affect them and surround themselves with the very best of everything, in particular the best attitudes and friends. If you are already at the top, people can’t hold you down, they can only drag you down, but if you ignore them, what power do they have to drag you down? On the same side of that coin, those who are wealthy in things of eternal nature may find themselves possessed of the same power, a quiet confidence that their calling and election before God has been made sure because of their peaceable walk with Him. Besides that, it’s probably not healthy to only surround yourself with sycophants. If they are liars, then you might swallow the tripe and double down on abhorrent behaviors and attitudes. I am not rich in any way. I am pretty average when it comes to material possessions and to the service of the Master. I don’t really do anything special, or at least I don’t think anything I do for Him is anything more than what He deserves in response for that grace which so fully He proffers me.
My self esteem is not based on the intentions of others. It is based on how they show me that they value me. I actually think I’m pretty damn spectacular. I have many facets that are of good report and praiseworthy. Spending your life believing that you are a catch while women constantly reject you is foolish. My self-assessment is irrelevant; I'm only as appealing as others find me. If it were true that I was such a catch, you’d think that I’d have more or at least better friends, that people would respect me and defer to me. IN experience, the contrapositive is true, and so when I don’t think much of myself, that’s because I have learned how the world values me and started acting accordingly. It’s not that I only see the bad in me. It’s that I know based on how people treat me what they actually think. If you want to come and beautify my life, stop by. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be glad you stopped by.
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