As I pondered lost love and dead or dying loved ones, a rather odd thought struck me. Excluding family, the best relationships I’ve had are ones for which I was not actually looking. The best friendships and relationships are with individuals that I would have not ordinarily considered for the role. Essentially, I wasted a great deal of time pursuing other people, other opportunities, in other places, trying to force a relationship out of an encounter. When I moved to Vegas, my sister gave me a book by Paul Brandt, and it can be summarized in this one excerpt from his book: “Spend your life living happily and let God bring the people into your life who belong.” The people God brought are the only people in my experience who were worth meeting for my part. Often, they were beings I would not have noticed or with whom I would never have interacted without the interpolation of the Almighty. I know this is not the conventional wisdom. Most people tell you to get out, put yourself out there, and take risks. I can only speak from my experience. I have found that conventional wisdom does not work out for me the way that people who spout it hope it will.
Relationships I sought ended ultimately not only in disappointment, but in dejection. One young man with whom I hiked frequently used me as a foil by which to entertain a series of women he wanted to date at my sole expense. As I became aware of this, I stopped inviting him to see if he would invite me to things; he continued to hike, but he never invited me. I only found out he married when I had his wife as a student years later. One young lady I pursued romantically about the same time finally acquiesced to date me for a period of barely six weeks after I pursued her for 8 months, including taking her with me to Washington DC, only to seek an exit strategy and ultimately dump me because I wasn’t skinny enough, ambitious enough, or rich enough, and because she wanted to date a previous ex and see if they could make it work. The past several months, I have been stood up by people who accepted my invitation to hike or go shooting even though they initiated contact only to break plans last minute if they notified me at all. Very few students talk to me after they get their letters of recommendation, and even members of Sunday School find me forgettable. In January, I encountered a prominent family from my last congregation on a hiking trail, two of the daughters had me in Sunday School, who didn’t acknowledge me if they even recognized me. Many women I find attractive ghost me, and most of the people with whom I used to go places now go to those places with other people. In fact, with the one exception to follow, I could have ignored every woman I have ever met as a romantic prospect since I was divorced, and my life would be exactly the same. For me, it appears to have been a complete waste of time.
I never thought I would come to love a dog. Growing up, I harbored no intentions of ever owning any pet let alone a dog because my brothers had pets, and I shied away from the responsibility. The only reason I have a dog is because my ex-wife wanted to “start a business” with her parents breeding beagles, which was their way of roping me in as free labor. I never saw a dime from that business, and I didn’t even get to pick him. He was a “gift” for my birthday. Of course, I didn’t ask for a dog or for this dog or get to pick this dog, but I did get to pay for it since she paid for the “gift” with my Discovercard. She never really liked him after he arrived, particularly since he refused to mate with the dog from whom my wife wanted a litter of pups. After we split and I moved away, she used him to manipulate me into coming back, telling me that if I didn’t come get him she would have him euthanized, only to tell me once I arrived that I had to pay $1000 to redeem him from her. When I bought this house in November 2010, I bought it because, in addition to things I desired, it had a yard for him to explore and because it had a dog door already so that he could come inside when I was away during the hot summer days. I’m not precisely sure as to the timeline, but by winter 2012, he was sleeping inside downstairs each night on blankets near the dog door/sliding door, and by Summer 2015, he was sleeping wherever he liked. Last year when he got sick, I discovered that I cared enough about him to drive home for dinner and then drive back for my night labs three nights per week (one night there was no time to go home and get back). I am not sure I would do that for ANY person I have ever met in my life. I love this dog, and I never even intended to meet him. When he dies, part of me will die too.
My two close human friends are also people I sought out for other reasons. My best human friend and I both served as a character witness at a trial for a gentlemen we both knew. He was there for the defense; I was there for the prosecution, but we both said the same thing, and that’s how we met. I never thought I would make a friend in a courtroom. At first, we would just talk, but we found we had enough common ground besides Benjamin W that he invited me out to visit him near Philadelphia, and that’s how I made my first trip to Independence Hall. Only Thom survived of my friends from before I was divorced. My other close human friend was a friend of a former student. Shortly after a woman I really liked rebuffed me in 2009, Tracie insisted that the two of us meet at Taste of Vegas. I would have never gone. I am still not sure why I actually went. Nevertheless, he persisted, and within a year, we were hiking together, talking together, and spending time together at least 40 days per year, sometimes from 8AM to midnight. Neither one of these were men I would have met any other way let alone people in whom I would have been interested in forging a friendship, but I’m glad that I did.
The best romantic relationship I ever had was with a Geautiful Birl many years ago now. I enjoyed her company and conversation, but owing to circumstances of her life, I decided to eschew a romantic relationship with her. Nothing was wrong with her; it was perceived discontinuity between her life and mine, which turned out to be the only thing that mattered, but I digress. My close friend in Vegas persuaded me to consider her, and after prayer and talking to her, we dated, and I’ve never cared about any woman as much as I cared about her. This blog is replete with invitations to her to return and revisit our love, an outreach that ended only after I found out she was living with (and probably schtuping) some other guy. I never intended to get to know her romantically; I wasn’t looking for someone like her. However, scared as I was at the prospect of fatherhood, she remains the only woman I’ve ever known with whom I actually wanted to have children, and she remains the only woman for whom I “changed” to be my best self all the time without her chiding me or requesting it of me. I wanted to be the best person I could be for her of my own free will and choice. She inspired me. Yet, I met her at the only time in my life I ever would, and she remained interested long enough for my friend to persuade me to give her a chance. I’m just sad that she didn’t work out, but if she had, I think I would be far less attached to and interested in my Best Beagle Buddy.
People come and go. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season. Sometimes that season is shorter than we like. I spent a great deal of time trying to make friends, nurture friendships, and pursue romantic opportunities with other people. The ones that lasted for any period of time pale in comparison to how well they changed my life to those that I did not seek. Now, I know that these choices are not necessarily a waste. Sometimes we are also a node in the nexus of many lives. “It’s A Wonderful Life” shows us the myriad ways in which a simple, single life, can change the course of history in the lives of those around him for the better even if things appear relatively bleak and unsatisfying for him. I don’t know if I contributed directly to bettering the lives of those I encountered. All I know is that the accidental friends I made bettered my life immensely. I loved my Kat. I love my dog. I thank God for a few friends, none of whom I actually set out to make a wife, a pet, or a friend. I would have never known to ask for these blessings, but maybe because of Paul Brandt I was open to the possibilities, and maybe God will bring others into my life who actually matter.
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