Baby Whisperer

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In October 2012, my first niece came into this world. I wasn't sure exactly how to feel about that because she wasn't my child, and I'm six years older than my brother who fathered her. Additionally, I thought that his wife cared little for me, and so I made the first visit out of obligation rather than enthusiasm. Until recently, my experience holding small children amounted to a few encounters with friends' children who asked me to hold them only temporarily or so that they could laugh at how awkward I looked. Since then, my sister started referring to me as the Baby Whisperer due to the reaction my niece makes when I hold her.

A week or so ago, my sister in law sent me the picture below from when my niece was about 2 months old. I own a few other photos of me holding their daughter, and for some strange reason my sister in law seems completely at ease trusting her bachelor brother in law with her tiny baby. For other reasons that I don't really understand, my niece seems to really like me too. Shortly after this picture was taken, as I sang her lullabies in German of all languages, she quickly fell asleep in my arms. Last summer when she came with her parents to join us at the lake, she slept likewise when I held her despite the jarring of motion against the waves and the loud sounds and bright sights all around her.

Maybe she's just tired, but maybe there's something more to this than meets the eye. For many years, I looked at tiny babies and wondered what they would tell me if they could talk. Do they really know me better than I know myself? What do they remember from their existence before they were born? What is it about me that they like, especially since their older counterparts don't seem to like me except as "just friends"? Why does this tiny, defenseless female trust a bearded chemist? Is it something she can sense, or is it just because she can tell when I hold her that I mean her no harm? How does she know that? Why does she sleep so easily in my arms?

It's not always the case. Since she's an infant, she gets tired or hungry or messy, and consequently she grows fussy to where only her parents can soothe her. However, in my brother's Christmas video, I appear multiple times, each time holding my niece and each time with my niece totally content. I've always worried and wondered about my capacity to raise a child, and despite assurances from a former student who works with foster care that I put most applicants to shame, I wasn't really ever sure I would be worthy or capable or dependable. Partly this came because of an experience working in the church nursery just after I was married. I noticed that I was ill equipped and ill inclined to work with small children and requested a release from that responsibility. Maybe it's due to the number of children for whom I was asked to be responsible or because they were all children whose parents were strangers to me. Maybe it's because my ex wife was there too doing her best to undermine me clandestinely. Maybe it's just because I felt like if I did something I desired to do the best I could. I felt inadequate, and that feeling persists over a decade later.

My sister calls me the baby whisperer anyway. I don't get special information out of them, and I am not their favorite person, but all of my life, I noticed that babies stare at me in wonder. Perhaps they consider me worthy of wow. My hiking buddy insists based on experiences with me and on the fact that he raised his daughters already that I'll be excellent, but I don't really know. I only know what I am. For now, my niece and her mother like me. I have no real clue why. I am just me. I don't have ulterior motives. Maybe they know that, and maybe that's why my niece fell asleep while I spoke German. It's not a gentle language after all.

I hope that as she grows my niece continues to feel that she can trust me. I know it's hard for young people today because I work with them in class. I don't know how well I would do in the circumstances that surround children today. Hopefully I can keep up this rapport with her so that if she needs help I can be there to help her feel or find safety. I'd like to be the good uncle, even if I'm not the favorite, because I think people benefit from knowing other good people. When I look at this picture, I am overcome with emotion. This is probably one of my favorite pictures. I think I'm starting to understand what my bishop told me when I was divorced. He tried to comfort me by telling me that I would only really start to understand how my Father God feels about me when I held my own son in my arms. At least now I've come close.