Not “Just” Friends

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The other night, I heard for the umpteenth time the line “let’s just be friends”. While not completely surprised and not necessarily disappointed, I confess that the repetition of that phrase in no way made it easier to hear. As I consider the frequency of this occurrence, I think that part of the reason for why relationships don’t last and why marriages put an end to long friendships is that in dating most people skip the part about becoming friends.

My sister and I spoke at length one day about how most guys want to skip to the chase. They are out looking for a relationship, and for them a date is almost as good as a marriage proposal. If girls don’t immediately warm to their ovations, they feel prone to abandon an effort at continued dates. Confusion between the terms “dating” and “going out” further exacerbates the problem. My sister told me she would like to go on more dates, not necessarily for the purposes of marriage, but for the purposes of being involved and making the most of her college experience.

As a missionary, I learned the principles necessary for building lasting and enduring connections between people. Only by building on a firm foundation can relationships endure the tests of time and the inevitable hiccups occasioned by miscommunication. Toward an explanation thereof, I propose the following matrix.

Building relationships of trust

This constitutes the most important part of the long-lost skill of courtship. During this phase, most of the familiarization effort takes place, not simply inquiring after facts but also as to the disposition of others with whom one comes into contact. At this point, the foundation of future interaction is generally laid, as we build on common beliefs shared with people with whom we wish further association.

People do not inherently trust one another from the get-go. However, in all of our meetings and socializing we gravitate towards those in whose presence we feel comfortable. Where we share common beliefs, values, and norms, the common ground gives us things to discuss, things to do, and things about which to eventually show how much we care. Some people during this phase put on a pretense of interest as part of their ulterior motive, but there exists a myriad of advice for discerning the true purpose of why people involve us in conversation.

This phase of relationships can take as little as an hour or as long as years to set up. It constitutes the scaffolding of friendship, which will hold up whatever else we intend to do with these people. During this phase, attraction moves from the aesthetic to the ecumenical, so that we find ourselves sometimes associating with people in whom we might not otherwise have had initial interest.

Finding out

After the blasé endearments of First Contact, relationships move to a multi-faceted inquest. Finding out extends from First Contact through the entire spectrum of this matrix, as we determine Details, Disposition, Determinations, and Denouement. During the Building Relationships of Trust phase, we mostly concern ourselves with details- the things that give us things to talk about and perhaps segue into parts of character, history, and activity in which we have true interests and that may further the relationship.

It is important that during Finding Out we determine the Disposition of our new acquaintances. There was a great article on basic principles in measuring the disposition, but dozens of great books have also been written on the subject. Online dating sites have made a mint using these types of questions to help measure putative compatibility, but they truly show interesting things about other people you encounter, if answered honestly and thoughtfully. Something needs to be asked about Politics, Money, and Priorities, so that you can either establish a requirement to skirt certain sensitive subjects or determine efficacy of continued pursuance of the relationship.

Proper Find Out questions help us Determine the type of relationship possible with those whom we meet. Knowing their Disposition on a range of subjects, we know what types of activities and how far we can go spending time with others. Some people, to whom we are physically, intellectually, or spiritually attracted, may not want the type of relationship with us that we want with them. I stopped keeping track of the girls who fed me the “let’s just be friends” line after 63.

In the end, we forge friendships with purpose. The Denouement of our confluence serves a purpose, hopefully a mutual improvement association of sorts, that leaves us both edified for having met one another. Many of the people we meet, regardless of how much we enjoy their company, pass into our lives for but a season. When they serve their purpose, we need to be willing to accept that eventuality. Properly asked questions throughout the relationship will help us prepare for the eventual end or cement the association to withstand the throws of time. So many friendships end with the marriage of one part of the friendship because that person forged a relationship with a spouse that cannot abide other friendships. That is a true shame.

Resolving concerns

Jealousy and misunderstanding abound in relationships. I mentioned that often, due mostly to insecurity, friends/spouses feel threatened by the advent of new friends into our lives. True friends understand that they don’t fit all our needs as well as other people and accept that they are not a cure-all. Given our varied interests and backgrounds, in every relationship communication barriers exist that must be overcome. I prefer straightforwardness in conflict resolution, but most of the people I know don’t want to face the Dour One, because I intimidate them.

Relationships cannot endure where concerns exist. Sometimes concerns exist of which we are not aware, primarily because we do not ask. In the time since I was a missionary, I noticed that I seem to care less on average to discern and discuss whatever reservations others have. Most of it is spoken in a hushed whisper, and it must be brought out. Although we can’t always come to a mutually agreeable resolution, a person who avoids conflict or refuses to look into a solution is not generally interested in a mutual improvement association as a consequence of your confluence.

Making and keeping commitments

In dating most especially, but also as an underpinning of many conversations, people want to skip the aforementioned sections to the Commitment phase. They skip the “getting to know you, getting to know all about you…” section of courtship for the hand-holding, snuggling portions for purposes of gratification. They schmooze those they intend to use for whatever advantage the association affords them, hook the sinker, and reel us in to serve their aims. While I’m not above helping other people, I appreciate it when they make a genuine effort to understand the vehicle by which they arrive at their destination, which vehicle I am.

The problem with this harried and artificial march to the climax of relationships is that commitments lightly offered without proper scaffolding do not last. If you marry someone or “go steady” with them without spending time going through the other phases, you may find yourself bound to someone with whom your goodness of fit proves insufficient to endure the trials that abound. By skipping an effort to find out and resolve concerns, they can tear marriages or relationships apart. If you partner for sports, business, or other venues with someone without having properly acquainted yourself with their demeanor, values and disposition, you may find yourself left holding the bag.

I have thus far skated through life without many roommates. I elected this method knowing that my skill set necessary for interacting with others lacked some vital tools, and that people were unlikely to put up with some of my eccentricities. My friends shake their heads and marvel at my daily grind- how I rise at 5AM to study the scriptures, then exercise for up to an hour before beginning my day and retire by 10PM to my bed, about the time that other people are just starting to get busy.

We cannot however underestimate the value of a properly crafted friendship. If we marry a good friend, we can be assured of certain strengths that help us stand the test of time. If we date a friend but it doesn’t work out, we may retain a good friendship that we value even though romantically it didn’t work out. If we surround ourselves with true friends, they will not envy us the company of other friends, irrespective of gender, who satisfy wants and needs better than they can.

It has been said that true friends know all about you and like you anyway, that you can tell them the truth, either about yourself or about them, and they won't fly off the handle. They are rare gems, and too few spend time necessary to find them, settling instead for plastics and pyrite that bear a semblance of value but lack the substance to endure.