My sister and I spoke for over an hour the other night because a "friend" of hers told her she was a bad friend. I think the real problem comes from the overuse of the word "friend". For those who know me, I classify people based on a much more classified rubric. Most people I know fall into one of various classes of "acquaintances", and I've had few friends reach the upper echelons of "friend" categories.
The other major problem I see comes from differences in classification. There are people who consider me a friend, but I do not consider them to be a friend of mine. I am friendly towards them, true, but they are not people to whom I would turn. If a person however claims you as a friend, there comes with that often a degree of expectation, which if unfulfilled leads to disappointment. These unreasonable expectations are not your fault; they are the fault of he who assumed, but that doesn't stop people from vilifying you.
When we were children, at some point our parents denied us something, to which we might have responded, "I hate you." Now, we don't really hate our parents even if we say that. We just hate not getting our way. So many of the people who don't like me or "hate" me do so because I didn't let them have their way. Truth is that a good friend does what is best for you which isn't necessarily what you want them to do in the moment.
Years ago an old friend of mine accused me of a heinous betrayal. In truth, I stood on principle and she disagreed with me. She expected me to validate anything she said because we were friends or because of shared confidences, but I have never been that kind of man. Thus began a campaign of protracted and pointed hatred to vilify me which in the end resulted in nothing. My sister's "friend" is doing the same to her, blaming her for the ills in her life and calling her a bad friend. I have never told a bad friend that they were that. I have commented on behaviors that make our continued association problematic, but such an accusation never crossed my lips.
Calling someone to the carpet for an aberration in thought or behavior is not easy. Just last night, my father chastised me for some small observance which he finds irrespectable. While I agree with him having thought about it, I know there was a better way to do it. You don't always do it in the best way, which is why I find the following muster so valuable:
- Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. D&C 121:34-36
After the chastisement, one's behavior shows how one feels about the person. I know a few people with whom I no longer interact that I esteem and consider friends despite our distances because of how they treated me in the aftermath of my human weaknesses. They were faithful to me, but not everyone I've ever known is.
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