Facebook, American Idol and other reality programs, and miscreant behavior from sea to shining sea point at one thing. People seek attention. Some people will tell you that they do what they do to be happy, but what they really do is act in such a way so as to draw attention to themselves. It's the primary reason for misbehavior and for relationships. People want someone who will pay attention to them.
I know very few people who are as adept at keeping the focus on others in a conversation as I. Several of my Facebook friends know absolutely nothing about me at all, because when we chat, they never ask me any questions about themselves. People prefer to pontificate on their own problems, status, hopes and dreams. Perhaps you have noticed that you may say something, and then they have a similar story. Sometimes that's to show empathy. Other times, it's a form of one-upmanship, where they try to get ahead of you and say they've had worse. They turn the conversation to themselves whenever they can and rarely ask you about yourself.
When people ask me how I am, I often use words that don't exist to see if people are listening. "Splendiferous" or "wellish" are my two most common quips, but people who are self-centered skip over them both and hurry into how they are, even sometimes when I have not yet asked or do not intend to ask.
In making these observations, I have come to the conclusion that this is why so many people are in relationships who seem ill suited. They found someone who will give them attention. Naturally, logical fallacy follows that since this person pays attention this person would make a great mate. That works as long as the other person doesn't need someone else's attention or help.
Everyone needs attention. Babies cannot act for themselves. Children often feel forsaken by parents who are distracted by worries at work or with money or health. Teenagers are beset by hormones. Adults like to feel like they have accomplished something. Much misbehavior and misanthropic behavior stems, I think, from the need of all of these groups to be noticed, to get attention, to have someone look. Even bad attention seems preferable to complete anonymity, especially where positive attention and affection immediately follows, as with parents to their children.
Why else do so many people post anything and everything about themselves for all to see on the internet? Everyone is after their fifteen minutes of fame, to feel like they mattered, and to have other people notice them. It's why we dress up, use makeup, drive Jaguars and wear amiga watches, so that other people will notice us. The same is true in the animal kingdom; I remember well the Peacocks at Mt. Vernon, descendents of those raised by George Washington perhaps, who compete with their plumage for mates. Spies try to blend in; everyone else seems desperate to stand out above the crowd, no matter what antics it requires.
People make choices allegedly because those things make them happy. The attention they get from those choices is what makes them happy, not the activities themselves. People like me don't usually like big groups or parties and the like because those kinds of places don't make us happy. I much prefer to sit with a handful of students on a Saturday afternoon in a lab and discuss Punnett Squares or allelic inheritance. They pay attention to me, and I feel needed, appreciated, and noticed, which contributes to my happiness.
Life, however, is like racquetball: you win when you serve. James, in his general epistle to the Christians, said that "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world". When you go out and give people attention who go unnoticed, who are lonely, who are stranded by the roadside, bereft of food or clothing, that is when the People who Matter pay attention to you. When the Divine smiles upon you and pays attention, that is when you are really happy, and that is why service elevates and uplifts the soul.
What will you do? Whom would you prefer to pay attention to you? You can choose that, and it will make the difference for you as it does for me.
I know very few people who are as adept at keeping the focus on others in a conversation as I. Several of my Facebook friends know absolutely nothing about me at all, because when we chat, they never ask me any questions about themselves. People prefer to pontificate on their own problems, status, hopes and dreams. Perhaps you have noticed that you may say something, and then they have a similar story. Sometimes that's to show empathy. Other times, it's a form of one-upmanship, where they try to get ahead of you and say they've had worse. They turn the conversation to themselves whenever they can and rarely ask you about yourself.
When people ask me how I am, I often use words that don't exist to see if people are listening. "Splendiferous" or "wellish" are my two most common quips, but people who are self-centered skip over them both and hurry into how they are, even sometimes when I have not yet asked or do not intend to ask.
In making these observations, I have come to the conclusion that this is why so many people are in relationships who seem ill suited. They found someone who will give them attention. Naturally, logical fallacy follows that since this person pays attention this person would make a great mate. That works as long as the other person doesn't need someone else's attention or help.
Everyone needs attention. Babies cannot act for themselves. Children often feel forsaken by parents who are distracted by worries at work or with money or health. Teenagers are beset by hormones. Adults like to feel like they have accomplished something. Much misbehavior and misanthropic behavior stems, I think, from the need of all of these groups to be noticed, to get attention, to have someone look. Even bad attention seems preferable to complete anonymity, especially where positive attention and affection immediately follows, as with parents to their children.
Why else do so many people post anything and everything about themselves for all to see on the internet? Everyone is after their fifteen minutes of fame, to feel like they mattered, and to have other people notice them. It's why we dress up, use makeup, drive Jaguars and wear amiga watches, so that other people will notice us. The same is true in the animal kingdom; I remember well the Peacocks at Mt. Vernon, descendents of those raised by George Washington perhaps, who compete with their plumage for mates. Spies try to blend in; everyone else seems desperate to stand out above the crowd, no matter what antics it requires.
People make choices allegedly because those things make them happy. The attention they get from those choices is what makes them happy, not the activities themselves. People like me don't usually like big groups or parties and the like because those kinds of places don't make us happy. I much prefer to sit with a handful of students on a Saturday afternoon in a lab and discuss Punnett Squares or allelic inheritance. They pay attention to me, and I feel needed, appreciated, and noticed, which contributes to my happiness.
Life, however, is like racquetball: you win when you serve. James, in his general epistle to the Christians, said that "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, to visit the fatherless and the widows in their affliction and to keep himself unspotted from the world". When you go out and give people attention who go unnoticed, who are lonely, who are stranded by the roadside, bereft of food or clothing, that is when the People who Matter pay attention to you. When the Divine smiles upon you and pays attention, that is when you are really happy, and that is why service elevates and uplifts the soul.
What will you do? Whom would you prefer to pay attention to you? You can choose that, and it will make the difference for you as it does for me.
1 comment:
I think that when you know who you are and LIKE who you are, then it's unnecessary to reach out for that attention because you are settled within.
And I love 'splendiferous!' One of my favorite non-words too. ha!
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