Although I'm not one for dating coaches and the like, I admit sometimes I wish I had a "Hitch" character in my life to help move things in the right direction. Today I read an article about excuses people make in dating which apply to life in general really. People make time and put effort into things that matter to them, so if you're sitting there making excuses for why your life sucks, with all due respect, may your words fly back into your mouth like a bucket of bilge.
I particularly like the following portion of the article:
Excuses are simply that- justifications for deficiencies you see in yourself. Whenever you use them, you're telling people around you that the thing about which you complain isn't important enough for you to do anything about it. I'm in the business of helping people actualize their dreams, but only if I'm not doing 50% of the useful work to get their lives there.
In my church calling, I currently serve as the employment specialist. Most of the people who come to me do so with the mistaken understanding that I am going to give them a job. Given as how I'm a state employee and therefore cannot, that's not the point of the program. I serve to help them present the best face they can in competing for employment and in taking advantage of any and all opportunities that come their way. However, I refuse to drag them to places they don't want to go themselves, and so by and large they make no progress because they don't do any of the things I task them to do.
Just last night a "friend" of mine cut off all contact because I refused to swallow her excuses and justify her aberrant attitude about her life. She claimed that she hated her life, which makes zero sense to me since the life she has consists of the consequences of a series of active decisions she made. It did not passively end up that way, and so I knew she was playing the martyr card hoping I would take pity on her and make everything right. Trouble is that if I do so, where is justice done to me in the process? She didn't want to do the things that she knows full well she needs to in order to get her life where she wanted it to be.
I tell people who come to me that I'm willing to help them as long as what they're asking for really constitutes what they want. They tell on themselves by the choices they make when I give them tasks to accomplish and by the degree to which they engage themselves in accomplishing the goals they ostensibly seek. When they show me that they want the opposite of that to the accomplishment of which my assistance is orchestrated, I stop helping them. Sometimes they whine, but I gently point out that they got exactly what they want. Giving lipservice to a want doesn't make it so. Calling me a cantelope makes me not a melon.
Blame me if you like. In the end, as this author points out, you are just justifying not having to try. Nothing great was ever earned without effort. If you want your life to be different, YOU have to make it happen.
I particularly like the following portion of the article:
All five of these excuses have one thing in common: They are all manifested inside your mind so you can justify not having to try, and to make you feel better about your unsatisfying dating life.What all of you excuse-makers need to realize is that an amazing dating life is not just going to magically happen to you.
Excuses are simply that- justifications for deficiencies you see in yourself. Whenever you use them, you're telling people around you that the thing about which you complain isn't important enough for you to do anything about it. I'm in the business of helping people actualize their dreams, but only if I'm not doing 50% of the useful work to get their lives there.
In my church calling, I currently serve as the employment specialist. Most of the people who come to me do so with the mistaken understanding that I am going to give them a job. Given as how I'm a state employee and therefore cannot, that's not the point of the program. I serve to help them present the best face they can in competing for employment and in taking advantage of any and all opportunities that come their way. However, I refuse to drag them to places they don't want to go themselves, and so by and large they make no progress because they don't do any of the things I task them to do.
Just last night a "friend" of mine cut off all contact because I refused to swallow her excuses and justify her aberrant attitude about her life. She claimed that she hated her life, which makes zero sense to me since the life she has consists of the consequences of a series of active decisions she made. It did not passively end up that way, and so I knew she was playing the martyr card hoping I would take pity on her and make everything right. Trouble is that if I do so, where is justice done to me in the process? She didn't want to do the things that she knows full well she needs to in order to get her life where she wanted it to be.
I tell people who come to me that I'm willing to help them as long as what they're asking for really constitutes what they want. They tell on themselves by the choices they make when I give them tasks to accomplish and by the degree to which they engage themselves in accomplishing the goals they ostensibly seek. When they show me that they want the opposite of that to the accomplishment of which my assistance is orchestrated, I stop helping them. Sometimes they whine, but I gently point out that they got exactly what they want. Giving lipservice to a want doesn't make it so. Calling me a cantelope makes me not a melon.
Blame me if you like. In the end, as this author points out, you are just justifying not having to try. Nothing great was ever earned without effort. If you want your life to be different, YOU have to make it happen.
2 comments:
Too many people claim to want help, when all they really want is a handout or many. They make jobs like yours difficult because you have to weed them out to find the select few who actually fell on hard times beyond their control, or those who truly wish to rectify poor decisions.
Some men refuse to learn to fish, and assume you will take pity and feed them again. I've come to know a great too many friends that have these tendencies to varying degrees. I'm no saint in this area, but since reading "Atlas Shrugged" by Ayn Rand a few years ago, I've noticed this character flaw and have been trying to kill it where I encounter it.
While I applaud your conviction to do the right thing for the long term, I hope you also keep mercy in mind when dealing with your peers.
I won't suggest serving only mercy to friends and only justice to business, but an appropriate balance of the two. Of course, the definition of 'appropriate balance' in these cases varies per person and the ultimate judgment on which to use is wholly up to you to decide. I just wanted to remind you to keep you from growing to cynical :)
Too late. I'm already cynical ;).
No seriously, I do help a great number of people, far beyond that to which I have technical obligation, but because I feel that "Those who have the capability have the responsibility." That being said, a handout differs from a handup, and a handout is not really in keeping with Christianity. They say that the Lord helps those who help themselves, and I will help people until they prove to be users. I have gifted away thousands of dollars and hundreds of man-hours without expecting compensation. It mostly irritates me that people did not appreciate the gift by truly availing themselves thereof.
For anyone who knows anything about me, they know I am more merciful than they expect, more kind than they hope, and more an ally than they deserve. In keeping with your thoughts on balance, it's important to keep a reservoir of oil in your own lamp. God cannot multiply your oil if you don't have any to start with. Even he seems bound by the Law of Conservation of Energy.
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