Growing up, I feared many things that never happened and that actually never would or could. Now that I'm an adult, I realize some other things I fear are statistically unlikely. However, every now and then something happens that rationalizes your reason to fear something, and you recalculate things in your life. Normally, if the only reason you worry is that something MIGHT happen, you can dismiss it. This morning, something happened that seemed irrational but nearly cost me my life.
Ever since I started driving, I hated driving near tractor trailer/semi trucks. I hated passing them, driving next to them, and winding through canyons when the road is thick with them. Irrationally, one of my fears always was that a semi would not see me and shove me off the road to my death. Consequently, I try to pass them as quickly as possible. This morning, I did that, but when we hit the 55mph construction zone, he caught up to me because he didn't slow up. Since I drive this route several times per week, I saw the lane shift; he didn't. Right where the lanes shift, he apparently either didn't notice or decided that was a good time to change lanes (it's not, EVER). When I heard his tires hit the bumps that mark the lane boundary, I realized he would encroach on my lane, weighed my options, held on, went through several orange buckets, and barely missed the 5000lb concrete blocks they use to protect workers on the shoulder from being hit by people like me. The truck didn't even seem to notice, and the car behind me never let up. Somehow, I survived. I've never hit one of those buckets before, and they were surprisingly heavy with the rubber weights mounted underneath. At first, I wanted to catch up to the guy, get his plate, and complain, but when I smelled burning rubber, I pulled over to make sure my car was fine and lost that opportunity. I'm ok, shaken but not stirred.
For many years, my parents worried about me in this car. My 1995 Saturn is on a rebuilt title, and should never have carried me this far this long without incident. A few years back, I had to take a curb to avoid being t-boned, and that led I think to last year's rim shattering on the highway one night. Otherwise, I've never actually had an accident in Car2-D2. When I went over the barrels, I held the wheel tightly because I don't have power steering and need to do so in order to maintain control. One of the main reasons I keep this car is because it reliably conveys me everywhere I intended to go and only broke down once in Ely NV when I had to stay the night waiting for a part to arrive in order to get home. Even when I had a blowout last fall, I put on the spare, drove home, dropped the tire off the next morning, and was back in Car2 two days later without further incident. A few pieces broke, but I can duct tape them together until I can get replacements.
Despite the campaigns asking us to watch out for them, I don't think truckers look out as well as they should for automobiles. Eight years ago, my mother and sister were run off the road by a semi or camper or similar that changed lanes into them and pushed them off the freeway. Since I couldn't catch up to this guy, there will be no repercussions for him. I'm not out to get him, but it would be nice to let him know in case he didn't notice so that it doesn't happen again. The Highway Patrol put officers in trailers to ticket drivers who don't give them berth, but who's there to notice he almost killed me?
God makes me very few promises, but this is one case in which He kept His word. When I was 15, I was promised to be "protected on your highways, your byways, in all of your travels, and in all that you do. The hand of the Lord will be upon you. He expects much from you." Today, I am grateful to see His promise fulfilled again. Just before things happened, I remember thinking that this guy might not observe the lane shift, and the radio was off so I could hear when he crossed the bumps. I probably ignored a prompt to slow up and let him get ahead of me, but there doesn't seem to be any lasting harm, and I arrived at work only 15 minutes late because I took surface streets afterwards to avoid trucks. I honestly don't know why He keeps me alive. I don't really do anything, and I haven't accomplished overmuch that can be measured. I don't really feel all that profitable, and I don't have a sense of satisfaction from life. I'm not sure I would send me, but here I am, so it's not my time yet. There must still be something for me to do.
Fortunately most irrational fears never turn out to happen. I've never opened my closet and found a ghost, been burgled, or made it to 50 without remarrying. I am still afraid that when my days are counted many of them may not count for much. Many of my other fears will probably never materialize, and now that I've faced this one, it's no longer looming. It's like when I had my first accident and got my first negative review as a professor- the pressure was off, the suspense ended, and I could move on with other things. For now, I'm safe, and there's hope that if not today maybe something else tomorrow may turn out to be a blessing disguised as a blessing.
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