I’m old-fashioned, so bear with me.
I believe that it is right and proper for the parents to give consent to the association of a young man with their daughter, as such, I do not date without permission of her parents. Some people disagree, but Capulets like them make blood in the marketplace.
When people date, I believe it is good and proper that they do a myriad of different things together and in groups of associated individuals that allow them to see how they interact with each other and with other people. I believe that for the sake of appearances and to preclude certain proclivities to mischief that people should avoid situations and locations that would lead them into temptation towards the lusts of the flesh. As such, activities should finish and the parties should return home before midnight, and they should not for any reason really involve entry into the bedchamber of either party. Group activities with friends and other couples (married and as yet unmarried) help them get ideas and grow to trust one another.
Unmarried people need to do the kinds of things in courtship that will become the norm in married life, first to determine compatibility and second to introduce a dose of reality. Once the romance wears off and people settle down to making a home and a life together, if they cannot share in or do not enjoy the common purposes of cohabitation, they will not long endure. Not to the exclusion of fun are these things endorsed but to establish patterns of behavior, dispositions of character, and methods of operation where conflict may arise before they forge a contractual relationship beyond the verbal. Everyone comes from a different place, and so conflicts are inevitable, even if they need not be boisterous or belligerent. Also, married life and adult life entire constitute so much that is routine, that logic and reason dictate that as they are inclined to in younger years “dress up” as adults, they also “dress up” as if they were a married couple already as a gauge of future goodness of fit.
When they do things for enjoyment, the activities should foster a spirit of togetherness and communication. As such, movies and dinner are less desirable no matter how ensconced they may be into the standard dating rigmarole. People should share in matters of culture such as museums, art galleries, musical productions and the like to expand their minds. They should also likewise expose one another to the proclivities of pastimes that they enjoy, so that their putative partner may at least understand them even if they do not share the same valuations. Couples need to learn to communicate openly and honestly before they marry so as to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings after marriage. They should discuss personal things during courtship (though not necessarily at the beginning of the dating process) relevant to their eventual wedding. Activities should be chosen in which they can continue to participate together, whether they marry or not, and which lend towards cherished and treasured memories they are not embarrassed to share with others, because those things enriched their lives and helped them grow.
Courting couples should openly and honestly discuss their values and valuations, including fiscal policy. If they share nothing beyond the romance/physical aspects of a relationship, it will not endure, and if they disagree on matters of money, it is almost certain that they will not endure. However, they should not discuss too much their feelings for each other except as related to their shared vision for the future (i.e. do you see this person as a potential mate/parent of your children and can you support their vocational/educational endeavors?).
Seeing as how you also marry a family, some portion of their mutual interaction should involve time with each other’s family. However, beware spending an inordinate amount of time preferentially with one set of parents lest you establish an expectation for future events. Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and they twain shall become one flesh. After marriage, the family into which you were born ceases to be as important as the one which you voluntarily forge with your spouse, seeing as the latter was actively created at your discretion while the former remains a matter of more circumstance.
I believe that many young people spend too much time on the physical aspects of dating/courtship. Physical attraction is always a depreciating asset; everyone gets older. Character remains. As such, I am disinclined to too much physical interaction and must usually be prevailed upon to show affection. It’s not that I don’t care for the person, but it is to avoid too frequent repetition of trite phraseology/activity that I believe cheapens the display and meaning of those symbols.
So, much as I hate to use these terms, I propose the following regimen:
“Just” Friends: marked by innocent, congenial, and nonspecific interactions with people for common interests rather than special romantic interest
“Just” Dating: pairing off for the duration of activities with one person exclusively for the purposes of finding out about the person, building a relationship of trust and preparation for the next phase, but with limited physical interaction as the parties desire. This would be a classic “date”, where a guy plans, pairs off, and pays for (if applicable) an activity of limited duration and scope. Multiple subsequent exclusive pairings off lead to-
“Just” Courting: exclusive dating of a specific partner intended to lead to or prepare for marriage, with focused activities meant to build on common beliefs, engrain positive common habits, and explore deeper issues of intimacy albeit void of physical intimacy in the classical sense. At this stage, terms of endearment, expressions of affection (verbal and physical) and physical interaction will and should escalate, but still within the bounds of chastity and propriety.
“Just Married”: putting into practice the lessons learned in courtship. Ideally the only difference between this and the previous stage is the introduction of physical intimacy, all other things having been previously established except for those possible only through mutual cohabitation, which should not occur until this point.
Proper dating and courtship should serve to establish what a potential partner brings to the table in a relationship. It should help determine how well the individuals involved can forge families and care for their mutual responsibilities as husband and wife, in particular once children come into the union, to establish patterns of behavior and activity that will best provide for the general welfare of offspring and preclude any need for intervention by civic authority.
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