Two recent events helped me see a problem in myself, which is possibly a mistake you make too. I was invited this weekend to an activity that conflicted with a regularly scheduled event with a close friend. I was tempted to accept because it was someone new and fresh and "exciting". Another person I know who hasn't spoken with me for a while told me this week that she cut me off because she didn't want to get me involved. At first I was critical, then I realized that I sometimes do the same thing. When I experience tough times, I sometimes cut off the people who are the best for me, the closest to me, and the most likely to be of help to me.
We like to maintain a good face to those who love us and are dear to us. We are friends with them because they like our company and because we like theirs. We sometimes forget that true friends know the truth about us and like us anyway. I understand that we get desperate because of a deficit of friends that we like to ingratiate ourselves to others in order to win their favor. However, each time I turned down a girl I liked to hang out with my sister, it proved to be the right choice, and each time I put my dog over a girl I liked, that did too. Most people turn out to be French Friends- they are there when they need you.
I choose instead to nurture relationships I already have. Sometimes I am tempted to cut people out of my life or leave them out of tough times because I don't want to burden them. However, sometimes they are the best placed to help you. I suppose I learned this from being a missionary when my mission president counseled me not to tell my parents about my companion who apostatized and the man who assaulted me in the U-bahn because there wasn't anything they could do to help. other times, they can. I called my dad this week about a job for which I applied when it became apparent that I might not be able to get a raise. I needed his counsel and perspective. It was the right call.
I think sometimes we do this thinking we can fix it ourselves without anyone knowing we had a problem. Well, I understand that notion, but if it wasn't something we built ourselves, I don't think we can really fix it alone. Most of the people I know decided to cut me out of their lives. With all due humility, I'm probably one of the best people they know, and so it seems paradoxical to cut out someone who is supportive, encouraging, and potentially useful to rely on yourself. Maybe they do it so I won't think poorly of them. If so, they don't know me very well. Then again, I do it too, so maybe I don't know the people who love me well enough either.
During dark times, true friends will stand by you. In each rough chapter of my life, I found that my own blood was reliable while the promises and representations of other people rang hollow. It takes me at least a year usually to trust someone as a friend, and very few people have stayed the course long enough to qualify. They are people on whom I have found I can rely ultimately to at least remain my friends despite the vicissitudes of fate. Maybe they can't help me during besides providing a listening ear, but they are there to help me rebuild when the dust settles.
Those of you who have true friends should hold them close in dark times. If someone really loves you and cares about you, they will stand by you as a friend. That was the only redeeming message in the play "Wicked" I saw last night with my mother (more commentary on that to follow in another post) that Glinda remained a friend to the "wicked witch" even after everything else that transpired between them. Don't push away people who really love you. Hold close to those who stand by you and are there for you. For all this, their hands are outstretched still.
1 comment:
Order
Dear Douglas,
Please don’t take responses which don’t completely agree with you in a negative way, for they can just offer you a different perspective on things and new ideas, especially when it’s not possible to discuss them in person in a regular conversation. When people only agree with you on everything, they don’t expand on the subject and don’t give you an opportunity to grow further, but I assume growth is what you’d prefer. People develop quicker in a society, in communication and dealing with others, so please accept my humble response since my heart keeps bringing me back to these pages and please know that I wish you only good and blessings for your life.
I think you are so lucky to have a good family, loving and caring relatives; you should definitely cherish that. However, people’s own blood is not always reliable, at least for me and some of my close friends. I’d say I did well despite my blood. As such, I’d usually always have some (very few) good friends whose friendship I’d really appreciate, especially since there are no my relatives in this country. I’d also do pretty much anything for my friends, without expecting anything in return, but just because it feels good if I can help. This Friday my friend had to move, so I help her find a place and sign a lease with her as otherwise she wouldn’t be able to qualify right now. I just thank God for the abundance he has for me to keep me well.
The other time another girl I knew got beaten up by her “partner”, a father of her 2 little kids, and was taken to a shelter, whereas he was taken to jail for 24 hours. I found out about that after 8 pm that day and she asked me if I could go to her house to pick up some things for her as she’d be left with nothing. After I put my kids to sleep, till 3:30am I’ve been salvaging her stuff with a guy with dementia which was very frustrating but I didn’t know any other family with a pick up truck. Originally, I planned to prepare my PowerPoint presentation that evening which was due the next day.. Luckily I was still able to do it that morning.
Friends mean a lot to me since I don’t have my blood family. Now I’ve created my own blood though, my children, and they are of course the closest and dearest to me. You cannot create that just staying with your relatives all the time. Being with relatives might be comfortable, but sometimes to progress you need to come out of the comfort zone. Heroes were not made that way, by staying where it’s convenient. Even the Jesus Christ – it’s definitely would be so much more pleasant and comfortable for him just to be with his Father, he didn’t need to come and do things for others, but he did. If you want to start a family, you need to come out of your convenient and all-scheduled life to pick up a good girl, be persistent in dating her, showing that you really care and are serious. Having your own family is very rewarding at the end, but you need to learn to trust somebody who is not your blood, but who will be closer than blood relatives…
Stop choosing by looking from the negative side by deciding what you don’t want in the person. You had a post about that. Thinking what you don’t want will not bring you what you want. You must think in positive ways by thinking what you want in the person you’d like to live with. Think what the most important characteristics and qualities would you like the person had. Think with your heart and inner wisdom of your soul if you want a marriage of love and connection, and not just of rational convenience. You also need to believe that your match exists and that you will find her. And just be what you are, you are perfect in your essence, and your right match will love you for what you are as well.
My blessings,
always, Julia
Post a Comment