Years ago, I considered seriously buying a Harley in order to attract women. One of my coworkers who rode himself advised me against it, insisting that it would attract the wrong kind of women into my life, at least the wrong kind for me. Last week, I mentioned to my students that I looked into buying an Aston Martin, and one of them told me that would also not attract the right kind of people. As much as we preach against judging a book by its cover, we are attenuated as a people to believe the advertising. This works so much that I’m considering going down to beg for money at the offramp as a science experiment just to see what happens. In truth, I see the overwhelming horde of evidence that suggests that first impressions are everything, and we make decisions based on what people advertise. I am not sure that many people understand what they’re actually selling.
Particularly in dating and marriage, it is important to accurately represent the product. Last night my father told me that his former boss actually is two different people in private and at work. Without constancy and consistency, people cannot make wise decisions, and it becomes difficult to make wise choices when people misrepresent or miscalculate based on what is advertised. However in the modern world we have become accustomed to playing parts in order to garner favor. It’s no wonder that marriages dissolve, because the advertised product is not what people actually discover they bought because they either rushed in or because certain packaging distracted them from the entire story. I think so many people are unsatisfied because they have buyer’s remorse because they believed the advertising or seller’s remorse because they didn’t understand how they sold themselves.
Tatoos
I was out this weekend, and an otherwise lithe and athletic young man was assigned to take care of my business transaction. He was complaining to me about how little his boss knew and how he should be in charge, and then I saw his tattoo. It was white-supremist and on his neck just barely obscured by his collar. It makes every sense now. I laugh at all the people with a Tramp Stamp who want to be taken seriously by a man like myself. When I see that, it tells me that lots of other men have seen the rest of that tattoo, and I do not wish to be counted among that throng. Recently a man sued in court for discrimination in employment and the judge told him that if he wanted to be taken seriously as the face of a company then he shouldn’t have covered his head in tattoos.
Modesty
Long ago when girls would swim, they dressed like Mother Hubbard. Nowadays it seems instead they dress more like the cupboard! I know that young people close to my age drool over the prospect of sun dresses and yoga pants because they love to oogle bodies. It makes the risqué posters of my teenage years look rather modest by contrast when the modern pinup leaves even less to the imagination than the bikini clad girls of the 90s. If you show off your body wantonly, we assume that’s all you have to offer. Then the women object that we’re staring at their chests or their buttocks or somewhere other than their face when their clothing directs our attention there. Likewise, my hiking buddy is periodically criticized for wearing A-shirts. In my lifetime, these have come to be known as “wife-beaters” because some men who beat their wives only wear these. Well, people believe the advertising even though I’ve never seen him hurt anything out of spite or rage.
Loyalty
When I talk to people about dogs, I point out how loyal my beagle is. He saved my life several times, and last summer when someone broke my heart, he was there to lick my hand and nuzzle me. However, the people I know have proven that I can trust most of them as far as I can throw the universe. They are not loyal to people. They are loyal to themselves. I had bosses do what would serve their careers rather than the organization. I dated women who turned to their parents when we have an argument. I know people who make promises only to completely forget they ever spoke those words even when I can play audio or provide transcripts attesting to their promises. They are not loyal, but they demand it from their mates, their employers, and everyone they know. Until you show that the family you could have with me matters more than the one into which you were born, we know you’re not committed.
Other children
As much as I love children, I look at them from a perspective of practicality. When I meet nice women who already have children, I find that having a relationship with them is complicated by the interests, needs, and schedules of their children. Sometimes their children come at odds to our relationship. I also have to laugh at politicians who “love” illegal alien children while they either hate their own or detest the notion of having any, particularly those who advocate abortion, but I digress. When you continually put me off because of your children or because your ex is causing problems between you and your children, I feel like I don’t matter. Since I cannot compete with your kids, I don’t want to.
Comparative success
All around me, people are competing and comparing for whatever reason. A lot of very nice people decided to focus so much on career and credentials so that they exclude themselves from my equivalency class. Those with successful careers shove their earnings in my face while those with a quiver of children do the same with those. If you show that you don’t need us, you will not get a man who is interested in a successful partnership with you. What you will attract are men who want to use you and then move on to the next conquest. The women’s liberation movement has done more to hurt women’s chances for happy and healthy matches than anything else. It encourages them to work on their career while they are in their prime and put off relationships. It encourages them to compete with men and beat them. Then, the women wonder why the men they ignored and defeated ignore them.
Intelligence
My friends are friends because they are good company. I don’t usually go to dances or clubs or activities in the park because I know the conversation will be asinine and the company will be uneducated. No man wants a dumb woman. Although some men will tolerate one for eye candy or to make others in their workplace jealous, they will leave you eventually for fresh eye candy or for a better match. Centuries ago, people used to talk about smart matches, and although women were not educated classically per se, they were taught things in order to properly execute the work of the household. John Adams’ wife Abigail, although they married when she was 19, was as educated as a women in her time could be. She was well read, talented, and a fit consort for a man 11 years her elder with a successful law practice. It was a smart match. He had the money and she had the wherewithal to use it well and wisely. One of the reasons why I ignore women in their early twenties is because they either don’t know about things that matter to me or because the things about which they care could not interest me less. The LOL culture is interested neither in doing what they ought nor what they like, following the crowd instead towards incessant entertainment. That’s otherwise.
Double standards
My ex wife used to blame me for the fact that she was grossly obese. She claimed that if I let her use more AC or bought her better equipment that she could and would look better. I hesitated because she didn’t use what she had, and although she had access to the campus gym she never went. The fact that she is still grossly obese with her new husband evinced that this claim was false- I was simply a scapegoat. It is highly duplicitous for anyone to expect their partner to look good while they let themselves go or to be upset with their partner who is getting into shape when they are doing things that lead the opposite direction. What really annoyed my ex was that I got into better shape without doing it for her or in the fashion she insisted it be done. Shortly after moving to Vegas, I dated a woman who lived a double standard. In fact, I went six weeks before I even saw her eat. She insisted that she lived an alkalarian lifestyle and that I should follow suit to be in better health, shape, and form. Whenever we were together, we ate this way as much as possible, and I started to see progress. Then I caught her eating an entire half gallon of ice cream and realized that she was a woman who would binge and then purge. All of her esoteric diets were to compensate for bad habits. When she told me that she couldn’t marry me because I wasn’t skinny enough I pointed out the hypocrisy of expecting me to live in a manner different from the way she did and achieve different results. I burned that bridge badly too. If you expect something of him that you are unwilling to even attempt, expect a great guy to head for the hills.
Sometimes I wonder what messages I’m sending. I know that I’m not “top shelf” in the looks department, but when people get to know me, they usually find that I’m much more than they assumed based on the litmus tests I use to screen people. I remember one woman asking me, “you sing, you waltz, you play instruments, you speak languages, and you’re active? Why are you single?” All I can guess is that women tell me that they don’t want or need me in their life. Sometimes they do this by what they advertise. The rest of the time they tell me by what they prioritize.
The right man is looking for a companion. The wrong man is looking to score. We will provide for and protect you. He will sleep with you and then find another partner for his bed. In a perfect world, the man leaves his father and mother and becomes one flesh, one family with you. You should do the same, laying aside all other former loyalties to commit to a family relationship with him. Ideally the man looks for the virtuous advertisements of committed partnership, and you should give those guys a chance. My sister recently attended a wedding of a couple for which she played matchmaker by persuading her roommate to give a guy a chance. Don’t act like it’s a bad thing to fall in love with someone great. Looks fade, but character persists, and someone who is good company today will likely still be good company for the rest of life’s journey even as everything else changes.
Advertise for what you really desire. Offer what you want people to notice. Sure, you might have to wait a while, but everyone I know who had to wait tells me that it was worth it.
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