I appreciate those who seem to care about other people. I appreciate their desire to spend their lives together. I wonder if we are not our own worst enemy when it comes to dating because we try so hard to start the fires that we inadvertently put them out. In our gestures, our use of time, our search for perfection and our complacency with our present state and direction, we first do harm as we think we do good and by so doing put out the flames.
As previously mentioned on this blog, I come from years of active scouting. We learned in scouting that you can smother a fire with too much fuel. Whether that be the burnable materials or the air to fan the flame, a fire and a relationship is like holding a bird: clutch it too tightly and you choke it; too lightly, and it flies away.
1. It has bothered me since the day on which I first realized I liked girls to watch other people in excessive public display of affection. I feel that when you parade it in front of me like that you are trying to show that you have something I don't. I am not into one-upmanship, and I also believe as said Jesus that those who do things in public in the street to be seen of men have their reward.
Gestures need to be appropriate. You hear very rarely the warnings of necking and petting, and you may see "Throwing Away Parties" after bitter breakups. Someone wise once said that jewelry and presents are not gifts; they are excuses for gifts. The only true gift is the gift of yourself. Besides, only you know what you consider fashionable, and buying lingerie is just tacky. Also, when you receive a gesture you value, be sure to express gratitude. I've never heard anyone pour out thanks in abundance for having had a makeout session. That's not love.
2. Shop the entire package. Everyone has shortcomings. Even the best of men are exactly that- men. Sometimes we think about ourselves or sports or our jobs or the "guys" or what it would be like with another woman. That does not mean we are not interested in you. It means we are interested in more than one thing. Focus on the whole package. Some people will advise you focus on the strengths, but chances are the strengths come BECAUSE of the weaknesses, at least in part. I know I can't make myself cuter, but I can get into better shape. The secret is to learn to love even the things you hate about him—or at least recognize that they are to be embraced as part of the gloriously imperfect package. Plus, if you see past my problems, I am more likely to return the favor. People think they can do better and go looking for a better person. True love involves an appreciation of a particular person's idiosyncrosies. Everyone has them; they make us who we are. I am who I am because of my unique character quirks.
3. Quality time should focus on quality. Few people actually court anymore. They make themselves available all the time to just while away the hours with their significant other and in so doing often lose themselves. Then they overreact and withdraw. It is absolutely paramount to a healthy relationship to maintain your own identity. Then you avoid this "I thought you were someone else" nonsense and avoid codependency. If you both have independence, it is easier to empower one another because you don't need one another to maintain your own sense of self. Confidence is always attractive.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not actually endearing to spend every waking moment together. After a 12 hour day together, is it really too much of an imposition to let me go home and get a good night's rest? If you don't let me, I am likely to be irritable the next day. I shake my head whenever I see a guy sucking a girl's face off in the hallway before a 50 minute lecture class. Dude, it's 50 minutes you can't stand to be apart. What will happen when you have to get a job and can't talk to them every hour of the day? You might personally find it sweet, but it actually betrays a selfish lack of regard for the other person in the relationship. Since I respect you, if I know you open for work at 5AM tomorrow morning, it is right to get you home at a decent hour so you can rest up for work. If you have a test or a project or a family emergency, out of respect, unless invited, I leave you to it, because it's not my place to distract you. In essence, people who spend every waking moment from the other person steal that time which could have been used to do something more productive than snog or stare into each other's eyes.
4. I gravitate towards people who inspire me. I choose to spend time with people who help me become a better person, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, socially, etc. Unfortunately, we tend towards complacency in our relationships. Once we have "hooked the big one" and reel it in, we think there is no need any longer to demonstrate our prowess and prove ourselves. On the contrary, it is more important then than ever before.
So many people put on a charade when they date. My father, in his wisdom, imposed a year rule on dating to allow us to get to know the other person in a variety of situations, seasons, and activities. After about six months, if people are dishonest, their true self begins to leak out or break out. If it's a ruse, people cannot keep it up for long. Also, you get to see the whole person and not just one part (like in the Allegory of the Elephant from a few posts back).
When you stop trying to be the best you for me you can be, I start to worry. If you get too comfortable so that you always wear your very comfortable but very worn clothes every time we hang out but you dress up for other things, I figure that those things matter more to you. People make time and go to effort for things about which they really care. If you stop caring about and for me while we date, how likely will you be to care for and about me five or ten years into the marriage? That doesn't give you license to be insecure. I am confident in myself and know that I am a great guy. If they think they can do better, they are welcome to try; I prefer that to infidelities post-ceremony.
In conclusion, romance is a delicate balancing act. The problem in the rising generation and in my own is that we have been fed a false precedence in the popular media about how relationships work. If we can't solve our problems in a 60 minute window or before bed or by taking them on a date, because it's so easy to get divorced, people stop trying. They treat relationships as starter marriages much like starter homes. I see posts on Facebook about how "first you marry for love. the second time you marry for looks and money". What kind of tripe is that?
Romance is a lost art. Couples rarely court anymore. They "hang out" with each other in a superfluous attempt to get to know one another. What do you really know about the person with whom you have chosen to spend your life? What gestures do you exchange both in word and deed on which you base the strength of your relationship? What activities fill your time both when you are together and when you are apart? What skeletons does he have and what skeletons do you have, and how did they respond? How does he/she rank on your list of priorities?
Many relationships are codependent. In such circumstances, they smother the flames of romance, if they ever existed, and put out the fire. If you ever really loved the person with whom you are, ask yourself what you can do to stoke the fire and do so slowly. Remember that embers are tender and need just the right amount of fuel to reignite and burn brightly.
Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her...She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
As previously mentioned on this blog, I come from years of active scouting. We learned in scouting that you can smother a fire with too much fuel. Whether that be the burnable materials or the air to fan the flame, a fire and a relationship is like holding a bird: clutch it too tightly and you choke it; too lightly, and it flies away.
1. It has bothered me since the day on which I first realized I liked girls to watch other people in excessive public display of affection. I feel that when you parade it in front of me like that you are trying to show that you have something I don't. I am not into one-upmanship, and I also believe as said Jesus that those who do things in public in the street to be seen of men have their reward.
Gestures need to be appropriate. You hear very rarely the warnings of necking and petting, and you may see "Throwing Away Parties" after bitter breakups. Someone wise once said that jewelry and presents are not gifts; they are excuses for gifts. The only true gift is the gift of yourself. Besides, only you know what you consider fashionable, and buying lingerie is just tacky. Also, when you receive a gesture you value, be sure to express gratitude. I've never heard anyone pour out thanks in abundance for having had a makeout session. That's not love.
2. Shop the entire package. Everyone has shortcomings. Even the best of men are exactly that- men. Sometimes we think about ourselves or sports or our jobs or the "guys" or what it would be like with another woman. That does not mean we are not interested in you. It means we are interested in more than one thing. Focus on the whole package. Some people will advise you focus on the strengths, but chances are the strengths come BECAUSE of the weaknesses, at least in part. I know I can't make myself cuter, but I can get into better shape. The secret is to learn to love even the things you hate about him—or at least recognize that they are to be embraced as part of the gloriously imperfect package. Plus, if you see past my problems, I am more likely to return the favor. People think they can do better and go looking for a better person. True love involves an appreciation of a particular person's idiosyncrosies. Everyone has them; they make us who we are. I am who I am because of my unique character quirks.
3. Quality time should focus on quality. Few people actually court anymore. They make themselves available all the time to just while away the hours with their significant other and in so doing often lose themselves. Then they overreact and withdraw. It is absolutely paramount to a healthy relationship to maintain your own identity. Then you avoid this "I thought you were someone else" nonsense and avoid codependency. If you both have independence, it is easier to empower one another because you don't need one another to maintain your own sense of self. Confidence is always attractive.
Contrary to popular belief, this is not actually endearing to spend every waking moment together. After a 12 hour day together, is it really too much of an imposition to let me go home and get a good night's rest? If you don't let me, I am likely to be irritable the next day. I shake my head whenever I see a guy sucking a girl's face off in the hallway before a 50 minute lecture class. Dude, it's 50 minutes you can't stand to be apart. What will happen when you have to get a job and can't talk to them every hour of the day? You might personally find it sweet, but it actually betrays a selfish lack of regard for the other person in the relationship. Since I respect you, if I know you open for work at 5AM tomorrow morning, it is right to get you home at a decent hour so you can rest up for work. If you have a test or a project or a family emergency, out of respect, unless invited, I leave you to it, because it's not my place to distract you. In essence, people who spend every waking moment from the other person steal that time which could have been used to do something more productive than snog or stare into each other's eyes.
4. I gravitate towards people who inspire me. I choose to spend time with people who help me become a better person, physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, socially, etc. Unfortunately, we tend towards complacency in our relationships. Once we have "hooked the big one" and reel it in, we think there is no need any longer to demonstrate our prowess and prove ourselves. On the contrary, it is more important then than ever before.
So many people put on a charade when they date. My father, in his wisdom, imposed a year rule on dating to allow us to get to know the other person in a variety of situations, seasons, and activities. After about six months, if people are dishonest, their true self begins to leak out or break out. If it's a ruse, people cannot keep it up for long. Also, you get to see the whole person and not just one part (like in the Allegory of the Elephant from a few posts back).
When you stop trying to be the best you for me you can be, I start to worry. If you get too comfortable so that you always wear your very comfortable but very worn clothes every time we hang out but you dress up for other things, I figure that those things matter more to you. People make time and go to effort for things about which they really care. If you stop caring about and for me while we date, how likely will you be to care for and about me five or ten years into the marriage? That doesn't give you license to be insecure. I am confident in myself and know that I am a great guy. If they think they can do better, they are welcome to try; I prefer that to infidelities post-ceremony.
In conclusion, romance is a delicate balancing act. The problem in the rising generation and in my own is that we have been fed a false precedence in the popular media about how relationships work. If we can't solve our problems in a 60 minute window or before bed or by taking them on a date, because it's so easy to get divorced, people stop trying. They treat relationships as starter marriages much like starter homes. I see posts on Facebook about how "first you marry for love. the second time you marry for looks and money". What kind of tripe is that?
Romance is a lost art. Couples rarely court anymore. They "hang out" with each other in a superfluous attempt to get to know one another. What do you really know about the person with whom you have chosen to spend your life? What gestures do you exchange both in word and deed on which you base the strength of your relationship? What activities fill your time both when you are together and when you are apart? What skeletons does he have and what skeletons do you have, and how did they respond? How does he/she rank on your list of priorities?
Many relationships are codependent. In such circumstances, they smother the flames of romance, if they ever existed, and put out the fire. If you ever really loved the person with whom you are, ask yourself what you can do to stoke the fire and do so slowly. Remember that embers are tender and need just the right amount of fuel to reignite and burn brightly.
Who can find a virtuous woman, for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her...She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
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