Nothing Wrong; Not Enough Right

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I gave a presentation Saturday afternoon to which the only comment succinctly given distilled down into the words "Nothing wrong; Not enough right". These words hurt me a great deal as they reverberated around in my head all weekend long coupled with a slieu of other disheartening information of late. Over the past several years, despite great strides to the contrary, I find myself returning to a mindset where I am self-conscious, self-criticizing, and self-doubting.

Oddly enough, I still feel and believe through it all that my life mantras remain true. What should be will be when the time is right. That I want today to be the right time doesn't mean what I want isn't going to be. God has never let me down, even if sometimes he forces me to wait longer than I want for what I know I deserve. As I pondered the events yesterday, a familiar quote returned to mind that I'd like to share:

It may be that you are not doing anything wrong. It may be that you have not done the right things long enough. Remember, you cannot force spiritual things. --Boyd K Packer

A while back I wrote about patience. About how much it might hurt you to rush right things. Well, I did the best I could in these circumstances to act according to the dictates of my conscience and my Creator, and although the results don't meet expectations, I can rest assured knowing that I did what I was supposed to do. The trouble is that now I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to do. Here's an interesting poem that comforts me a bit:

With thoughtless and impatient hands

We tangle up the plans

The Lord hath wrought.

And when we cry in pain He saith,

‘Be quiet, man, while I untie the knot.’

(Anonymous)

Trouble with doubt is that we stop being who we really are. When what is constitutes the antithesis of our will and we feel frustrated, we give into our lesser selves. For my own part, I know I get real defensive and throw up walls to protect myself. My guarded self belies my true nature. Acquaintences of bygone years tell me that they were "glad" they were "forced" to get to know me because they never would have done so electively. I proved to be fun and convivial, not intimidating and dour. The former is my true self, the one my family knows; the latter is what I put on to face an uncertain world filled with danger, deceipt and deception.

I often ponder the problem of how to make right a world where evil brings rewards and virtue none at all. The trick I just now learned this weekend is that I can't do that and I should not try. I can influence MY world, the small sphere of influence in which I move and breath and have my being. As long as I try to do all and be all to everyone, I will never do enough right.

My calling in life is not really to save the larger world. It consists in the little things. I am trying to put on a happier face, share a few more kind words, and do a few more kind deeds, and in my own small way change the world. If everyone I help pays it forward, the amalgamation of small things will be enough, and that's right by me.