I've struggled many ways in 2015. Not the least of which, I've struggled to keep my sense of self-worth in a world that accounts me as dross and refuse. Both last Tuesday and last night, two different students pointed out in conversations with me that I seem like I don't feel like I'm worthy. When you consider the messages I receive, it's easy to understand why I feel like I'm bottom shelf and last choice. I know I'm not top shelf. I am a man of science, and unless I'm misinterpreting the data, the evidence that I receive communicates that I am not worthy of being chosen but that I am bottom shelf, last ditch, bottom line, and what people pick when all other lights go out.
At work, they decided to gloss over, miss, or simply ignore me in many ways. I took this summer off from teaching in order to complete a psychological science experiment. I wondered if they were taking advantage of me teaching and wanted them to know that they need me. I still earn the same amount teaching as I always have (aside from the small raise of 2.9% the legislature authorized last summer), and I'm scheduled next spring to teach three unique courses (all of which I have actually taught before, but not concurrently). The lead chemistry faculty member asked me to never take off during summer again because they need me, and last night a student confirmed that conclusion since her class lost all but five students. When I stepped in to take over this abandoned microbiology class, I think that helped me since the new Department CHair is from Math and doesn't know me from Calvin Coolidge. Now, I'm an asset. However, I've struggled getting support from the lab prep staff which essentially told me that they can't support my requests for additional labs in this course, the previous instructor having not scheduled any past his anticipated departure date. I applied for another job recently and didn't even get an interview, and the last job the former Department CHair asked to to apply for was given to the incumbent who has only a BS and now earns more than I do. Although I know they need me more than I need them, they continue to send me messages in NSHE that I am not welcome, valued, or needed. The students disagree. I disagree. However, I look and sound very much like I don't feel like I'm worth much, and I'm getting tired of it.
Even in my own Faith, members send the message that I'm at best tolerated in their presence. The congregation in which I reside ignored me, ostracized me, and slandered me until I decided to leave, and I'm not the first person to whom they did so. Yet, they continue to pat themselves on the back and say "what a good boy am I!". I don't really know what I expect because I'm the exception to the rule. There's a misbegotten and misguided stigma against you if you are over 30 and unmarried, and those who didn't have to worry don't really know how to empathize or interact with us. I even offered to a former student of mine who is in a congregation that shares our building for worship to help her if she finds that her congregation isn't supportive, but I think women have a better shot. I'm not grousing on these people personally. Many of these people don't really know what to do or say or how to handle it, and neither do I, but there are some in this new congregation who at least try to talk to me, keep abreast of what's afoot, and at least feign interest in my life, activities, and person. I appreciate their efforts. I know they would like to offer something useful. I also know they don't really know how.
Romantically it's even more pronounced. In nearly a decade since I was divorced, I have not found anyone in whom I was interested who reciprocated enough to actually choose me. One special woman came very close and probably left due to exigent circumstances. The rest showed that they were selfish and that they really didn't like me for who I was. I have several female friends 46 years of age and older, but they are classy, wise, and selfless enough to not push themselves on me since I cannot get where I want to go being with them. By and large, they are no longer capable of having children, they all have children already, and they are not demanding or expecting me to take on their obligations when I can find someone in my same life stage, maybe. Meanwhile, despite my strenuous physical exertions, the women willing to pay attention to me find some reason to follow the ABCD Theorem: Anything But Choose Doug. So, I naturally feel like I am undesireable because the women who are available are not interested and the ones who are interested are not available. I went out in October to see a play with my youngest older female friend. I wondered what I was thinking and then I realized I was spending time with people willing to spend time with me. It's not much, and they don't really have friends young enough to date me (most of them think I'm about 45 years old), but it beats a swift kick in the shin or being ignored by young available girls who don't seem to realize that I average 30,000+ steps and 4000+ calories EVERY SINGLE DAY (on Sunday it's only about 15,000 and 3300 respectively). Last Tuesday, my student warned me against continued communication with a young lady who turns to me only when nobody else will pay attention to her. True to her prediction, at 3PM Thanksgiving, I heard from her, when she was lonely and assumed I would have nothing better to do than entertain her. Now she doesn't really want to hang out with me; I've been used this way all my life.
I am part of my own problem as well. I am acutely aware of and intimately familiar with my shortcomings and weaknesses, and they are legion. I know they probably aren't any more egregious or abundant than those of others, but I know them. Other people don't feel threatened by their shortcomings and seem prone to offer themselves amnesty for any aberrant or abhorrent behavior in which they engage. Many of them don't have any standards, but those who know I do are quick often to point out the mote and the beam in my eye. I know I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. I'm trying. I get knocked down, but I get up again. I'm not sure from whence to draw strength when at work, at church, and in social settings the only people who seem to see good in me are people I do not expect to act to alter my stars. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I acted on the opportunities that presented themselves to the best of my ability, and the bottom line communicated tells me that I'm a day late or a dollar short.
When I pray, I feel God's approbation which gives me solace. Consequently, I continue to be who I am and say what I think knowing that if I can find someone who likes me for exactly who I am I'll be best off. Last Tuesday, that's what my student said happened to her, and since it also kind of happened to me once with a Geautiful Birl, hope guides me and gets me through the din, dim, and dissonance of discouragement and dejection. If you forgive the profanity in reference to the movie Juno, her father gives her the same advice as Paul Brandt gave in his book that my sister gave me six years ago. Find someone who loves you for exactly who you really are. He says, "The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass." I think I had that once, and it was awesome. Evidence suggests I might have been mistaken, at least the evidence available to me. For all of you who think I'm "amazing wrapped up in a man", thank you for your support. If it is God's will that I find someone, I know that I will in the right time, the right place, and for the right reason. If not, evidence suggests I'm awesome, and I'll find a way to leave something behind hopefully that means something, helps civilization, and pleases my Maker.
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