Everyone is human, and sometimes we don't know how to be better than we are. However, I find that most people are patronizing at best and hypocritical at worst, because it's almost impossible to put ourselves in the shoes of another person. My paternal grandparents were good (in hindsight I can see this) to advise me based on general principles rather than specifics, and they made sure that I always knew that they loved me no matter what I did or chose. It's hard. Most people love us if and only if we do what they like and if our lives validate theirs. So, they advise us and reprove us assuming that they know what is best, and sometimes it sets us up for greater struggle than is necessary than if they just lend a listening ear.
Criticism rarely constitutes constructive commentary. I find that most people and even most of the time when I criticize do so more for their own comfort than your own benefit. Eventually I get fed up with something and call someone to carpet, and I think that's what happens with most criticism unless you specifically ask for feedback. Even then, I think most people use it as an opportunity to air old grievances rather than help you. On the radio Wednesday night, a commentator recounted four observations of criticism I feel impressed to share.
1. Criticism almost always comes when we need it the least
2. I forget, but when I find the paper, I'll add that one
3. Criticism almost always comes from those least qualified to give it
4. Criticism usually comes in the manner least likely to help us change for the better
Usually people like to critique us when we are low. We are sad, demoralized, dejected, neglected, injected, and rejected. I guess they think that it's a good time to help us change course when we run aground, but that's when we need empathy and compassion more than we need advice. Most of these people either don't know what we're really experiencing or they haven't actually conquered their own Goliaths before advising us to don King Saul's constricting and oversized armor. I previously wrote in Lies About Grief how some of these people avoid the issue rather than facing it, and when they do they rely on standard tactics rather than trusting in Divine Inspiration and Direction as did David. Owing to the fact that they can't really understand, most of the advice isn't going to help us. I mean if one more person suggests I try online dating one more time as if it's never crossed my mind, I'll scream (look at all the beautiful women in my area who don't want to talk to me!). I think they do this to check you off in their mind, as if you're some sort of chore on their to-do list, and if they check it off they can feel better even though they did nothing.
This week, I offended one of the only women I have known longer than two years who still talks to me. She was good to reprove with love. She explained what offended her and why and then allowed this one instance because I'm only human. That's not always the case. A woman I dated almost six years ago told me after she dumped me several asinine things. She said she felt like she was there to train me up for my real future wife and that she never meant to hurt me. I told her that she should do something that would heal me. She responded by ignoring me completely for months and then snogging some other guy she dated after me when she knew I could see. She was very critical of my weight, but she would binge eat and then starve herself back to "health". She told me I needed to apply Steven Covey's principles but didn't live by them herself. It was a no-win scenario, and I don't think she really ever had anything helpful to say to me. In any case, I haven't heard from her for five years, and I no longer care if I do.
Most of the people who reproved me did so and then left me to handle it alone. Some of these were members of my Faith. Some were women I once loved. Some were friends. As I considered being on the receiving end, I pondered how many of those I once reproved actually received an increase of love afterwards. Despite the courageous conversations, I did not always end up showing extra love. In many cases, it was because I was cut off. In a few sad cases, I failed to be a real friend and follow my reproach with support and encouragement. In the years since I was divorced, after I got over being bitter about that, I have been better. You can contact some of the people in my cell phone contacts list and ask them if I'm encouraging, and most of them will tell you that's why they still talk to me. I'm that safe, ordinary, secure guy who is supportive. Some of those with whom I no longer speak got that treatment too, but they opted to not respond until I ceased trying to speak with them. I have gifts to give, things to say, and evidence to suggest that I truly do absolutely love absolutely. As much as it hurts, when you really love someone, you treat them as Christ would ask you to treat them, and you hug them close and weep at the pain suffered by all.
When people do not reprove with love, I think their "well-meaning" visage is a facade. One of the reasons I left my previous congregation in my Faith was because they found fault with me and then turned their backs. One of the reasons I feel so much pain is because people reject me because of my Faith without even offering to steer me to some sort of compromise. If I am such an egregious sinner, then they ought to minister even more to my care. The whole need not a physician but them that are sick. True, there is a time to reprove with sharpness, but it MUST be followed with an increase in love lest he whom you reprove esteem you to be an enemy. Wrote the poet of late: "You didn't have to cut me off, have your friends collect your records and then change your number...Now you're just somebody that I used to know." Cutting off people is not what Jesus would have me do.
I know it's hard to reprove with love, but I know that I do sometimes manage it. My dog gets underfoot and in the way and into things that annoy me, but I still love on him, pet him, give him treats, and scratch his belly. I have friends who do things that irk me. I still talk to them, even people who treated me poorly, and if they needed my help, I would probably offer it. Criticism cuts men low, which is particularly counterproductive in a time when people all around hope desperately for someone uplifting. Life is hard enough and bleak enough and painful enough that we do not gain much from holding grudges or looking down on others. Rather than pushing each other down, we can be uplifting, and when we do find it necessary to find fault, let us afterwards find occasion to find love for those people. It doesn't hurt you to criticize more than it hurts them. It hurts them, and it's time to move from fault to fix, from reproof to love, from foe to family and show more and more love whenever and however we can.
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