Friends From All Walks?

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Last Thursday, a woman I recently met explained to me that she is happy to be my friend because she's friends with people from all walks of life, even if they are strange people. First of all, this is a canard. It is not usually wise to have friends from all walks of life. Secondly, this is unlikely. We bandy about the word "friend" too freely, and people are prone to hyperbole with words like "all" and "always". Finally, I think she means this on a contingency. In other words, most people think this of themselves until and unless something changes. I have friends you might not expect, but like I tell my students, chemistry, like people, show us that like attracts like.

In order to meet this standard, you would need to know people from all walks of life. I am intellectually honest enough to admit that even if I knew people from all walks of life, I would not probably befriend people from certain parts of society. I have never met anyone from Morocco; I don't know any Taoists; I am not really into cosplay; I don't quilt, I don't drink, and I never have done drugs. Ergo, it is unlikely that I am friends with people who fit those criteria. Like most hyperbole, it's a bridge too far to assume that I know people from every walk of life, and then I don't have time for the few friends I have now, so how could I really be friends with that many people? I have a cousin here in town who prides himself on his 5000+ Facebook "friends". Even if you spend only 1 minute per month with each of those people, it would consume almost 3.5 days of every month for that cursory and superfluous contact. I spent seven hours Tuesday night in conversation with a person, and that is more like the time you are likely to dedicate to people who mean something to you.

Some people I once called friends chose paths with which I didn't agree and traded my friendship for that lifestyle. I still remember when my New York friend "Jason" revealed that he was selling drugs. I told him that I could no longer be his friend if he chose to do that, and since he refused to abandon that lifestyle, I cut him off. In class Tuesday night, while discussing organic solubility, someone requested I bring alcoholic beverages for a demonstration. I told them I would not contribute to the delinquency of the minors in our company and therefore I would not comply. They'll just have to read the journal articles to which I contributed instead. Likewise, I have parted company with a college buddy who decided to cheat on his wife, with a woman I know from high school who was embezzling funds, and from a member of my Faith who is an illegal alien. I felt that if I remained friends with them, I would in essence be condoning and encouraging abhorrent and aberrant behavior. However, I don't cut people off for things they can't control. You don't pick your parents, you don't pick your height, and you may not be able to help your health, so I am friends still with people who are short, sickly, and in abusive families. Each of my close friends is also a chain smoker, but even though I disprove of that disgusting habit I don't cut them off because I understand how addictive nicotine really is. My late friend who died summer 2013 once asked me something, and I told her I would do anything that was legal, ethical, and moral to help her. Beyond that, I part company.

When relationships are new, we make rosy promises that sometimes overreach only to change our minds later. I too have held conversations too early and made promises I couldn't actually keep once I learned the true details involved. However, I also know the sting of betrayal born of bigotry. As previously written, all my life I saw "friends" turn around and rend me for my Faith. I was still the same person; they learned this detail, and essentially told me that if they knew what church in which I worshipped they would have never bothered to get to know me. My most recent new acquaintance already dropped a hint that when she learns in what Faith my records reside she'll cease to stand at my side. If it were a character flaw like being an alcoholic, or being a philanderer, or being a bigot, I would feel differently, because I do not cahoot with course characters, but it's for something pusillanimous, and that smacks of bigotry to me. You can't be my friend anymore because I believe in a moral standard and rules for living? Wow. I guess I probably don't want to be your friend anyway.

We frequently forge friendships based more on commonalities rather than magnanimity. As much as we like to think we are charitable, our friends are much more likely to share things in common with us than be people who add spice to our lives. We don't really understand or appreciate or enjoy the company of people who differ vastly from us, and so, like matter, we spend time in the presence of people with whom we share the most common ground. Magnanimous friendships are usually political in their nature, either a protracted campaign to appear more virtuous than we are, or they grow out of curiosity for how other people live. I attend the renaissance fair, but I don't spend much time there, because the people there like it for different reasons than I do. They are there for the revealing costumes, indulgent foods, and excuse to costume themselves as they actually prefer to be if not pressured by society to conform. I previously mentioned that Aristotle wrote of how we forge friendships. At the lowest level, we associate for personal gain. As we move up, we upgrade to shared interests or to shared values. The highest echelons of friendship include people who share our walk, our way, and they are people with whom we share much. It's a shame sometimes, because we share things with people from different walks, but those are not the glaring things that stare us in the face, and so sometimes we push away Linus for his hygiene, Charlie for his awkwardness, Peppermint Patty for her condescension, etc. Time will tell if this woman really means it, but my friends are people who share values, no matter what the paperwork shows as their official religious affiliation. That's window dressing, and if that's how you make your judgement call, you may walk along to people of other walks, and I shant mourn your passing.