This morning, my last grandfather passed away. Since I've already experienced this almost exactly four years ago with the first grandfather, I find myself somewhat calmer than the last time. Additionally, I went up with my parents just after the new year to visit him for what at the time we felt might be the last time. I visited when I could, called frequently, and in my younger years corresponded often. I don't feel like I failed at due diligence to pay respects before he died. What I do find myself asking now is what it will be like when I pass. I am not sure how ready my maternal grandfather was to die, and I'm not really honestly sure how ready I am either. Times like this give us pause to consider how we'd like to be remembered and if we're doing things with which we'll be at peace when we shuffle off the mortal coil.
Sometimes I feel more ready to die than others. Five years ago, just before my last accident in which I blew two tires and crashed into the freeway barrier, I remember asking myself "Am I ready to die?" Almost immediately after that thought crossed my mind, I felt a voice by way of answer reply, "Don't worry about it." At the time, I took it to mean two things. Obviously since I'm still alive it meant on the one hand that it wasn't my time yet, but back then I was far more confident of my state of grace than I am today. I've made a few mistakes in my life. Sometimes they were only mistakes because I had bad information, but sometimes they were things I did knowing that it was probably the wrong thing or even definitely so. Hopefully there will be no Marc Antony at my funeral to make sure that the evil that Doug did lives after him.
Losing both of my grandfathers invites me to consider what kind of a father I would like to be. My paternal grandfather clearly focused on family as his priority. My maternal grandfather didn't seem to feel as strongly about his own kin. I had a conversation last night with students after the exam about my "legacy" since I don't have any children and made two observations. First, what good they do with their lives reflects on the value of mine. If I inculcate wisdom and knowledge into them and they make good of their lives then I will be seen to have had good influence. Secondly, I don't have any grandiose plans or ambitions. I am looking for my "simple", for that quiet picket-fence family life where I raise a good family and otherwise don't stand out much. I have no desire per se to aspire to wealth or station; my greatest real ambition is to be a good father. When I sit in my chair as age washes over me in a flood of memories, I hope I'll be able on reflection to say that family matters most. Mark Levin once said, "Hundreds of years from now, most people won't remember who you are or what you did. What you're really leaving behind is your family." I believe that.
As we think about our own readiness to die, I think it helps if you decided early what manner of man you desire most to be. Since driving home last night, a scene from "The Princess Bride" has repeated in my mind where Inigro Montoya says, "This is where I am, this is where I will stay. I will not be moved." It is far easier, when the time of decision comes, to already know what kind of person, what kind of life, and what kind of man you desire to be. While sometimes, when I am tired or bored, I decide to do something else besides my highest choice, I really do endeavor to be on my best behavior most of the time. When the time comes, as much as I may really like to do something else, I hope I will be able to say, "This is who I am, this is how I will stay. I will not be moved" and stick to my highest choice. After all, most of the evil that men do is partaking in things in ways or at times that God forbids. The nature of the things is good if used in the right way at the right time for the right reasons. He doesn't tell us we can't ever; God commands us to do something else right now.
Most of the unhappiness I see in people who die or the people who survive them involves people who traded what they desire most for what they desire right now. Rather than contribute to their family, their community, and the sanctification of their faith, they chase career, coin, carousing, cocktails and carnivals, the normal carnal pleasures, as a substitute for things that take more work but ultimately promise better harvest. I understand that it seems easier to take something immediate rather than trusting in some ephemeral putative eventuality. Life is short. However, Lady MacBeth reminds us that some damnable spots are difficult to remove, and when we die they do not go away. They stained her entire household.
I know it's hard to be a good person as much as we might like. I know it sometimes sets you up for a no win scenario. When I try to get to know young ladies and establish myself as a man of valour, honour, and virtue, I know that it's only possible to maintain that personae if we never become intimate in any way. As soon as you really get to know a person and find out about their flaws, it blows the illusion of a knight in shining armour and exposes the wounds, the nicks, and the achilles heels beholden to every man in mortality. Everyone makes mistakes, which is why there is a Savior. Jesus didn't die for IF men sinned; He bled in Gethsemane because it was only a question of WHEN. All men sin, and all men die. It's only a matter of time. For those of us who still live, now is the time for us to prepare to meet God so that we will be ready to die. I hope my grandfather was ready. I shall endeavor to prepare myself now.
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I learned about about my dad from the stories people told me at both viewings. From our perception, his leaving family gatherings to home teach made us feel that we weren't as important. But after listening to successive stories of how his interest as a home teacher influenced those families and individuals, I learned how important that contact was to others. His dedication in showing up for his temple responsibility by hiring a cab when he couldn't get out of his driveway during a snowstorm, and the mail delivery person who came to the viewing even though she was removed from the route two years ago, simply because of the interest Dad showed in both her and her daughter. has shown me the opposite side of the coin. Now I treasure these stories and write them as a reminder of how a cheerful greeting and a genuine interest in others can influence for good.
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