Clean Slate

Share

Change is in the air for me this week. My hiking buddy insists that in order to move forward with a new phase in life you need to clear out the old and make room for the new. To support that notion, when he moved to Vegas, he moved here with nothing at all and started over. In defense of people who are more normal, he still has a lot of stuff in the house he owns in which his eldest daughter lives, but he didn’t bring any of it with him. Old things, while reminiscent, do tend to weigh you down. Last time I reached this point, all loose ends were tied up, and I found myself uprooting and moving to Vegas. It’s possible that I have completed what I was sent here to do as well as I was able.

Often we miss the chance for a clean slate because we fear to start over. We fear to ask people for a chance. We fear to take the plunge and dive into a new albeit unknown situation and trust God. Comfortable with the tranquility of the familiar we sacrifice other opportunities. Afraid of loss, we jealously hang onto what we have. Sometimes, this is wise. Sometimes it’s otherwise. You don’t really know until you take the leap from the lion’s head and trust that a clean state offers a chance to start over and do better.

Out with the old

This past week, an era ended in my life. I’ve now lived in Vegas longer than anywhere else as an adult. Some things are clearing themselves up. I donated the last of my late friend’s stuff to goodwill, and rumors started to fly that my congregation at church will be reorganized, meaning that I may end up at church this next month with completely new congregation members. This summer I will celebrate four years since my ex wife last harassed me, and I consider that money well spent to buy my freedom. The state is supposed to vote to finally end the furlough program, and I may finally get a raise after six years of pay freezes.

In with the new

I finally decided to buckle down and get my household in order. For my birthday I filed paperwork and cleaned up the rooms, hung drapes, and wrote out a materials list to finish up the back yard landscaping this year. Then, I went out and bought myself another car (picture pending). I know I told myself that I’d wait until I had someone special, but it now seems that if I wait for that I may wait forever. Every now and then I buy something for myself, and even my dad was impressed with both the price I paid as well as what I got for my money, and this car should serve me 20 years like Car2D2 has. Next weekend, my dad’s coming to help me install a new AC unit, design new master bedroom closet shelves, hang cabinets, and hang blinds in the vaulted front entry. I’m planning trips to Maachu Picu, to Mayan ruins, and to Miami. I’ve slimmed up enough again that the clothes I bought back in November 2013 are loose. I continue to improve as I go into my prime.

Yet to come

Unfortunately some things remain the same. I just pulled the wage stats for last year, and the usual suspects at work were awarded raises for no justifiable reason I can imagine. The dean, who was supposed to step down in June, is staying for another two years because no qualified candidate was selected to replace her. I still hope that a wonderful woman, my geautiful birl, will choose to be with me after all, despite a dearth of prospects and signs supportive of that eventuality. I continue to work on my waist loss and waste loss goals so that maybe next year the state will ignore my weight. Everything I control is under control, and I’m trying to decide at which windmills to tilt and what things are worth risking in order to make a statement. I keep hoping that in the prime of my life I will have the opportunity to have the life I really desire to live and become a dad. We will see.

The story of Spring and the message of Easter is that we may all through Christ start with a clean slate. Although we remember what we do somehow God remembers our sins no more when we truly repent. The same thing comes of people. While I no longer hold any grudges against my ex-wife, I do remember what happened and use it as a bailiwick against repeating the errors that led to that resolution. As much as I hope that things with people I love may yet lead to happy endings that involve me, I really hope that their lives turn out well wherever they go. Looking back at the last decade of my life, I realized that I have learned to love myself, my fellow men (for the most part), and my Creator. Going to Alaska last year showed me that I am self aware and that I know who I am and that I like who I have become. Like Abraham Lincoln said, “I do the very best I can, the very best I know how, and I mean to go on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to much.”

I don’t really know what I would do if I had kids or if things changed. I know very little about how to survive in the world that has come to be. My morals and values and interests are uncommon and unappreciated by people in my peer group. As I get older, I sound more and more like an old, boring fuddy dudd, and I find I have more in common with people over fifty than people within ten years of my own age. I don’t know if I have any peers, and I think I may be bred out of the population, but that’s ok. This isn’t really the world for which I was born anyway. When I get there, I expect to fit in, blend in, and belong, because I expect in God’s presence I will be average at best. I hope that before that day He truly has granted me a clean slate there like He has here.