I know a lot of people, unfortunately, who were conceived 'on accident' or who have conceived 'on accident'. I confess I don't really know how that's possible. How do you accidentally go through the motions that lead to conception of a child? More to the point, how does that make the children feel?
One of my close acquaintances discovered a few years ago that he was 'an accident'. His father confessed one night when he was drunk that they never intended to have any children. This devastated my friend. He has since turned to me, so much that when he met his current wife, dated her, and got engaged, I knew before his family. His parents are dead to him, and I have become sort of an ersatz-father to whom he turns for advice and conversation. He even asked my advice on joining the navy before he ever discussed it with his parents.
This does a huge heap of damage to the child. Imagine how devastated you would be to discover your parents never meant to have you, that you were an inconvenience to their life, and that you shook up their plans. Aside from being very selfish, that revelation is exceptionally harmful. If it's true, make sure your children NEVER find out. Twice in the past week, I have encountered students who have children who view them as a burden. They didn't intend to have any, and one of them is now expecting a second. I fear for those children, and I wonder how much of what I see in education comes because the parents resent their children albeit subconsciously.
How do you accidentally have a child? It's very easy to stay away from situations that lead to childbirth or to 'prevent' it if you 'rehearse'. They knew what they were doing. What they resent is the consequences. Even worse, some people 'fix' what they do and terminate that life because they weren't ready. If you weren't ready to do the time, don't commit the crime (not that children are a crime or punishment). You know where the road can lead. Don't assume you're the exception to the rule. Don't act surprised.
Far too many of us think that we can engage in things that we know can harm us without any negative consequences. Some of us have escaped them and take past as prologue. History tells us otherwise.
We know of what sex is a kind. We will not be special, no matter the beautiful markings with which we are tempted. You cannot do something dangerous and expect to escape consequences. With the freedom to choose comes the responsibility to accept the consequences. Freedom is not to do what we like; it is power to do what we OUGHT. Perhaps that's why so many people seem to prefer tyranny.
We know of what sex is a kind. We will not be special, no matter the beautiful markings with which we are tempted. You cannot do something dangerous and expect to escape consequences. With the freedom to choose comes the responsibility to accept the consequences. Freedom is not to do what we like; it is power to do what we OUGHT. Perhaps that's why so many people seem to prefer tyranny.
With great power comes great responsibility. Too many people in this world want the benefits without having to pay the price. Too many want to arrive in the West without crossing the plains. Too many want wealth without work, knowledge without study, and exaltation without sacrifice. Yet, they will buy their Lexus, their iPhone, and subscribe to Cable, in which case they are willing to pay the price. That's all about money, and so the price is actually small even if the price tag is large.
Children take more than money. Family is about time. Family must be made on purpose. Any idiot can sire a child, but it takes a real man to be a dad. I had a real father, and I consider it one of the greatest blessings in my life to have good parents who had me on purpose. Ok, so maybe they didn't pick me specifically, but I came as consequence of a conscious choice. I was on purpose, and because my parents planned with purpose, I have done well despite the proclivities of the world.
I am scared out of my wits to be a father. I think I'll do okay, but I don't know, and that scares me. I want to be a good father, which is why I do not regularly engage in any behavior that might lead to that event until it's on purpose for the right purpose. I worry that I might be selfish, that I might not communicate well, that I might spoil them too much or not trust them enough or leave out something in their preparation. When the time comes, if it comes, I intend to be a good father. If I have children, they will always be on purpose. They are the purpose anyway, even for those who degrade family to "perpetuation of the species". It's time we kept that in mind.
2 comments:
You will be a wonderful dad because you CARE. I too have a wonderful dad and have always been grateful for that in my life.
I knew you would be a great dad after reading some previous posts. It's natural to feel a little scared of unknown, but it'll go away after you hold your tiny bundle in your arms..
My both kids were "planned". After 5 years of marriage we seemed to decide it was time. Later I was surprised to realize my second child was born on the month I predicted for him before I had my first child! Sadly, though, having "planned" or "non-planned" children doesn't guarantee that their childhood will be ideal. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t experience a happy parenthood especially when my kids were small, as my ex husband started to leave us when the second kid was 3 months old and left completely when he was 7 months old (and the two are 16 months apart). So it wasn’t a happy time. It’s hard to raise children in general, even harder when you are financially unstable/unemployed, have no relatives in the country, and receive emotional abuse from your ex spouse instead of help in raising children. As you said, children take time besides money, and you want to have some enjoyment time with them besides what it takes to take care of them.
My hardest times are over, and I’m happy I have my kids. My ex thinks he left me with nothing, but doesn’t realize he left something very precious he’ll never have.. Meanwhile, my children are healthy, beautiful, smart, and loving, so I cannot complain; there is nothing more a mother might want, except for sharing a life with a real man for herself and her kids.
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