Dr. Phil once said on his program that "the strongest tool of an abuser is to isolate the victim". I am sad to report that I know very few women well who are not in some way in an abusive relationship. Sometimes, and the most frequently in my experience, it is familial. Sometimes, it is 'romantic'. Sometimes, it is something else, but so many people are victims of abuse that I am surprised anyone is able to forge a healthy relationship today. Our behavior does not match our true nature or recognize the value of a soul, and so I am quite frankly surprised that people claim they can fix the world by focusing on behavior. That's sort of like trying to remove a noxious weed by pulling only at its leaves.
For the sake of attention and affection, many today sell themselves to abusers. Unable to recognize that their worth comes from their nature rather than their behavior or circumstance, too many of them esteem themselves as dross. I know women so desperate for love and attention that they will perform lewd acts just to have someone pay attention to them. I know people who are so lonely that they will submit themselves to all sorts of demeaning verbiage just to get married and have someone at home. I know loneliness. I know the desire for affection, for love, for companionship, and consequently I understand why one might elect to take something because it seems better than nothing. I suspect that much of the promiscuity in the world occurs because parents are distant or do not care or do not show that they love, and so young folks turn to intercourse and like unto it for compensation. That makes me sad.
Family can be a sticky situation. One young friend of mine regards me as his ersatz-father, despite the fact that I am only nine years older, because of how his parents treat him. One night, in a drunk stupor, his dad told him that he was a mistake, that they never meant to have any children. I knew before his parents that he loved his current wife, that he intended to propose, and that they had a ring. He asked me for advice on how to court her. Another woman I know was abused by her mother and consequently does not know how to raise her daughter. In addition, her husband was little more than a sperm donor, and he was constantly critical, so she went looking for love elsewhere which caused further heartache. I have attempted to date several young ladies whose parents or other family members were so controlling that they drove a wedge between us. They felt threatened by me, because they could not control me, and they did everything in their power to destroy any foundation for felicitation so that they could maintain their grip on their somnambulent sisters. I have never dated a woman whose family approved of me, probably because they were abusive.
Abuse is about control. Abusive attitudes ignore the substance of a soul for its semblance, looking only at the candy shell without regards for what's on the inside at all. Not that the outside does not matter at all, but we are less a function of what happens to us than we are of what we make happen. The question goes far beyond what we are doing and enters the realm that asks what have we become; to say that doing is the same as being is similar to saying that my dad is a car because he spends so much time in his garage. In the end, we control what we do about what cards we are dealt and what we make of things. Said the poet, "To each is given a set of tools, the will to build and a book of rules, and each must make ere life is flown a stumbling block or a stepping stone". I have reached a point in my life where I have abandoned my illusions of control. I tell people frequently when they ask how I am that "the things I control are under control", and the wiser among them have figured out that most things are not under my control. Considering that truth, I'm doing rather well. However, I am not interested in any kind of abusive relationship. It is a form of competition, of pride, of comparison, that discourages partnerships, the 'help meet' concept, and the like. It stratifies people and makes them proud. Comparison makes us proud and competition is its close cousin.
I will confess that I have hurt other people. I will tell you that I do not intend to. Sometimes when I am lonely or tired or bored, I am less charitable than I would like or than others deserve, and if I have hurt you, I ask your forgiveness. Let me know, and inasmuch as lies within my power I will make it right. On this subject, one young lady told me this: "if your kind of hurt is all I'd have to suffer for the rest of my life, I'd never cry." The degree of offense is irrelevant if offense has been given.
Owing to the fact that we are all human, we will all treat people from time to time with less decorum, love, and patience than they deserve. Of course, we all hope and expect the maximum of those things from others, but we are reticent to give them when we are troubled or weighed down, particularly to people who have hurt us. In this particular realm, I am inspired by and an aspirant of the example of Brigham Young. According to Truman Madsen, on one occasion, Joseph Smith vigorously chastized Brigham Young - accusing the latter of something he had never done in what was clearly a harsh, cruel, unfair manner. As Brigham said, 'Joseph, what would you have me do?' Of course, after it is resolved, it is equally important to forgive and show love to yourself.
When I find fault with someone or someone finds fault with me, that is what I seek. When the fault is elsewhere, I ask them what they intend to do to make it right. When the fault is mine, I ask how I can make it right. You see, the proper response when you err is to get back on track. I seek a better course, a more perfect way, and whatsoever you ask that is right and of which I am capable, I will do. I will not be abused. I will not be codependent. I will not validate you if I think you are doing wrong. By the same token, I will not tolerate the same from myself. I aspire to be better, in my own quixotic quest, to bring a greater measure of grace to the world. Only when we treat people as they deserve, because of their nature rather than their behavior, and correct our behavior to be consistent with our true nature as children of God, then we will see the changes in the world that lead to peace, prosperity, and happiness that last.
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