In a Good Place

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After I finished racquetball this evening, I ran into a young woman I knew from high school. I think she was two years behind me, but she saw through my beard and sat to chat a while with me. As we spoke and she caught me up on her comings and goings, I realized it has been almost 15 years since I finished high school, and I started to weight my standing. Recognizing some of my feelings, this young lady volunteered that her husband, who is seven years her senior, was just about ready to give up when they met. Partially, I think she did this to give me hope.

When you consider all the details, I'm in a good place. Add up the time since high school spent in school and the fact that I've been working as a professor for four years (I was hired on in October 2007 and started teaching in January 2008), and I'm basically right on track. My track record is even more impressive when you consider some of the hiccups that have come my way along the way. Sometimes it's funny to watch people's eyes glaze over at parties or other social functions when they discover I'm a chemistry professor. Frequently some of them will tell me how much they hated chemistry; I tell them I won't take it personally. Being willing to teach classes professors hate got me the gig in the first place. After all, how many 28-year-old college professors do you know? I started very young in the business.

Along the way, I've had some interesting experiences and learned many things. Chief among these are that I decided that if I was going to be damned anyway I might as well be damned for who I really was. I learned to be true to myself, to give myself permission to be myself, to allow myself some pleasures in life and how comforting it is to the mind and soul when you are. I sleep very well at night as a consequence. Everything that is in my control is under control or headed in that direction. The only facet of my life that isn't as I wish it were is one in which I am not the only decisive factor.

Last Friday, I was on Skype with an old friend from Austria helping her with her English. At one point, she turned and asked me point blank, "I know that you're unhappy there. Why do you stay?" In 2010, I felt very strongly that I needed to put down roots here. When I walked into my house, I knew that it was where I needed to be. I had just settled all accounts (and painfully so) financially with my ex wife, and it was time to be me and do what I do. I bought a house, which I have made largely my own, and by next weekend the front yard landscaping will be completely finished, a far cry different and a large degree improved from the previous product. I'm doing my small part to beautify the small rectangle of the planet that is mine.

From here there is room for much improvement. Whatever surprises may raise their ugly heads from time to time, my past has demonstrated to me that I can do hard things, that I can cross great deserts, and that I can overcome great challenges. This weekend, I'm continuing a tradition, and this summer I intend to finally make it to Alaska even if I go alone. Soon, I'll have my renewed passport, and then it's off to Japan and Israel, because I can and because I desire to.

I am sad because of the people who once meant something to me who have extricated themselves from my life. However, I have also learned that the people who belong will remain and that God will strive with those who should remain to persuade them to stay. If it's good it will happen. If it's really good, not just if I think it's good. Also, as I shared previously on Facebook, I have learned that no matter how amazing you believe something to be, something at least as good comes around again if you remain patient.

While I wait, I'm in a position of strength. I live as I please, and I do things that are good and brave and true. I continue to improve and grow. I bought a violin today because I can and because I think it would be cool to play one. Nobody got upset about the expense; nobody will be bothered if it takes me a long time to learn it. One of the greatest things I have is freedom, and it is sweet even when sometimes I crave something else.