Knowing that over time the articles fade and vanish, I want to copy down some of the points made by a recent article I read. The authors make some salient points that I may have mentioned before but that I wish to reiterate this new year as I embark on new adventures in my new surroundings. According to the dope of my horoscope, this is my year, and although so far it’s been pretty lousy, I’m inclined to believe. Last year wasn’t too shabby either.
1. You will look at the person lying next to you and wonder, Is this it? Forever?
Marriage often breeds disappointment. CS Lewis wrote about how once the romance is gone and people settle down to make a home together they realize that without the rose colored glasses their partner isn’t as saintly as they supposed. This is the major theme I mentioned from the Adjusted American. The knee-jerk reaction at this point has become in my lifetime that people get divorced or give up (if they’re not married) instead of trying to resolve conflicts. One of the only complaints I have about growing up military is that I never learned how to forge long-term relationships; we moved every 3-4 years, and so if things went south, I was never able or even inclined really to salvage them. I don’t have any old friends, and I have even fewer old female friends with whom to forge a meaningful and lasting relationship leading to marriage.
2. You'll work harder than you ever imagined.
The author says: getting married doesn't mean you're done -- it just means you've advanced to graduate-level studies. That's because every time you think you've mastered the material, he'll change a bit. And so will you.
That’s the true irony of marriage or relationships in general really. We all change. Just because you get on today doesn’t mean you always will and just because you don’t today doesn’t mean you won’t tomorrow. It’s funny how many women just write me off, only to admit they were wrong later. If your relationship is long enough, you have things on which to fall back and remember the good times when things went well, but so many people just rush in. One of them I knew well once admitted to me that he and his wife got lucky. Many people don’t.
3. You will sometimes go to bed mad (and maybe even wake up madder).
Wow, interesting. I had always heard to never go to bed mad, but if the other person is tired, unwieldy, etc., then you’re just bound to exacerbate the problem. Making peace for the sake of making peace masks the problem. I have always tried not to be goaded into arguments or discussions when I’m not ready to have them. When emotions are on high binge, it’s hard to have a rational and logical discussion of issues. Like the author says: You need to calm down. You need to gain perspective. You need to just give it a rest. I've found that an argument of any quality, like a fine wine, needs to breathe. A break in the action will help you figure out whether you're angry, hurt, or both, and then pinpoint the exact source.
4. Getting your way is usually not as important as finding a way to work together.
If you really care about someone else, then you want to do things together. If you insist on getting your way, pretty soon you will be going your way- alone. I picture C3PO walking in the desert on his own after he refuses to follow R2-D2… Eventually, they both ended up being captured and sold. There really is no right and wrong in most decisions; there is simply a difference in valuation (von Mises). Yes, you may be more right, but just because a joint decision may not be the most right thing possible doesn’t make it wrong.
5. A great marriage doesn't mean no conflict; it simply means a couple keeps trying to get it right.
Anyone who claims they never made an enemy never did anything, and any person who claims they never fought with a loved one never honestly spoke his mind. When people of differing backgrounds and beliefs and values and norms come together, there is bound to be conflict. Lasting and strong relationships are not those without conflict but rather those in which conflict is truly resolved.
6. You'll realize that you can only change yourself.
This is one of the most fundamental things I’ve had to learn and relearn in life. As I made an appraisal of last year, I realized that my disappointment and disillusion largely stemmed from things exigent to my control. Everything I control is splendid, and every part of everything I don’t control is fine. My disappointment lies with the exercise of agency on the part of other people with whom I interact who act sometimes to my detriment. You don’t control the agency of any other person.
In my last relationship, when I had problems, instead of listing off a litany of complaints about her I sought advice from family and clergy about how to fix myself. I figured that if I became the best I could be, I would be at peace with myself and God and then I could rest easy if things fell apart. I also really like this quote: Transforming a full-grown man -- stripping him of decades-old habits, beliefs, and idiosyncrasies -- is truly an impossible task.
7. As you face your fears and insecurities, you will find out what you're really made of.
People come to expect things in relationships based on preconceived valuations of things the other person does. If you set a precedence for always beginning the day with a text, some girls who like that come to think that if you forgot to send it you no longer care. Likewise, a lot of people are disappointed when they find their partner reverting to his/her natural state once they no longer need to woo their mate. There is a story told of a newlywed who looked at the woman in bed after she’d stripped off her makeup, fancy dress, etc., and asked, “What have you done with my wife?” My sister said that if a guy likes her at her worst, he will like her at her best. Expectations set people up for the fall. In the end, we’re all just human.
Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. That’s why I like teaching labs- they’re not about lecturing, they deal more in interaction and discussion. So, other people hate them because they’re hard, but I have ironically forged friendships with students- some of them have brought me cookies, invited me to their weddings, etc. Granted I wouldn’t date them even if I liked them, but we connect in a real way. I wish I could transmigrate those relationships to a greater degree of permanency like other teachers I know, but I take solace in knowing I have made a difference in the lives of people I know.
1 comment:
Wow, what a great post!
My wife has commented to me many times over the years about how I wasn't the man she thought she married - she had no idea how much of a geek I was, and that, had she known, our relationship would probably not have made it this far. While that may seem harsh, it is!
The thing about our relationship now is that we are very open with our thoughts and opinions. We go to bed mad sometimes as a result. It has taken a lot of effort and pain, but we both know we are better people for having worked so hard on our relationship, rediscovering ourselves and our flaws, and being receptive enough to work on areas that need it.
Now, I don't mean to say you, or anyone else with failed marriages didn't try hard enough. Sometimes they will not work for one reason or another. I was lucky enough to find a woman that is both stubborn and willing to compromise. A rare combination in either gender, to be sure. Keep hope alive; you'll find your match!
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