Before church on Father's Day, I ran across a neighbor during my morning jog with whom I have spoken several times. He wished me a Happy Father's Day and then asked me about my children only to berate me when I told him that I didn't have any. It put a sour taste in my mouth not only that day but even until this day, since I went to Texas to visit my brother for the christening of his twin daughters. There's this assumption that I am somehow deficient. Sometimes, despite out best choices, things don't turn out as we hope or like. Sometimes, despite our hopes and preferences, things are not possible. We are not the only force in the universe, and to presume that you are better and that I am worse because you have something I do not smacks of vanity and pride. Many men do not have children because they intend to be fathers but in order to keep appearances.
He presumed that being a father was more virtuous than being a good father. According to him, he sired his first child at 17; at 17, I went on my first date with a girl, ever. However, by his logic, the fact that he has children makes him a better man than I am. Far too many children are sired outside of wedlock, and far too many of those are "accidents". As with most other things, the ends are only really virtuous if the means are too. The best profilactic against child poverty is to have a present father in the home, but this guy kicked his first son out at 17. I am not a father because, unlike him, I wasn't out sowing my wild oats at every opportunity and invitation. I don't have any bastard children; I dont' have any children at all. Thanks so much for bringing up such a painful memory. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it. Fatherhood is about being present, about spending time, about actually inculcating virtues into your young. It's about more than impregnating a woman. It's about raising the children you have, and far too many men are interested only in intercourse until the woman gets pregnant and then they disappear.
He used the opportunity to boast of himself without regard for how it made me feel. I don't need to be reminded of my deficits. I am acutely aware at family gatherings, in work discussions, and in class that I am alone and that that condition is not normal. I don't think it's wrong, but it assumed a negative denotation somehow. It happens everywhere. I went to church and sat there listening to conversations about fathers, fatherhood, families, etc., and I felt like pond scum. I am the only male of age who does not have any children. Not that all fathers and children have good relationships, but they do at least have fathers or got to be fathers, and I get to be a husband only if I breed animals or plants. I still maintain that it's better to be alone than with the wrong person, and if she isn't going to treat me well, I don't want to spend time with her let alone have children with her. Most women treat me like I'm the court of last resort- the last choice when all other lights go out.
He projected the blame on me for the fact that I don't have any kids. When I admitted I wasn't a father, he asked me what was wrong with me, why I was putting it off, and why I was so picky. I'm sorry. Just because I'm not willing to jump into bed with any woman willing to let me doesn't make me a villain. I'm past the phase, as if I was ever in it, when I would wantonly accept any invitation to the boudoir, and now I'm interested in someone who's a good partner and with whom I would want to raise children. As I wrote on previous occassions, any idiot can spew semen, but it takes a real man to be a dad, and by the same token almost any woman can incubate a child, but not every one can raise one well. I am not putting it off. What's wrong with being picky? Why are his criterion better than mine? Why is the fault necessarily with me? The arrogance from someone who is one presuming he is better really chafed me. What about those who can't have children physiologically or those who have lost the children they have? I have family members who, despite their righteous and honest desires don't have children or even a partner. It's not always a choice, but even when it is it's not necessarily an evil choice that keeps a man childless.
With the changes to the definition of "family", I see posters depicting all sorts of "families". I am offended that it still leaves out single people. It includes all sorts of blended family archetypes and archetypes I consider aberrant and abhorrent, but a man who is by himself or a woman by herself are still not considered families by anyone. People assume it's by choice, but I know enough other single people to know better. Sure, some of us are special, and I know I'm hard to live with, but if my nieces like me so much, how bad can I possibly be? The men who have children in order to be seen of men are proud, taking pleasure out of appearing to be the better man. People have families for all sorts of reasons. Some of them are noble. Some of them are otherwise. People don't have families for all sorts of reasons. Some of them are active choices. Many of them are for other reasons. I have an excellent father, and both of my brothers make great fathers. However, I am not a poor father or a failed man because I haven't managed to reproduce. I could probably if I wanted to, but that doesn't make it wise or virtuous. As my neighbor patted himself on the back for passing on his DNA, he sat out in the heat in the garage drinking beer to, in his own words, stay away from his nagging wife. That offends me too.
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