Another 1%

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I belong to a unique and inauspicious 1%. According to statistics, only 1% of single men over the age of 31 in my Faith are still actively participating in the worship and community. Our church is deeply steeped in families and family life, and so a majority of activities and conversation revolves around spouses, children, and the family, none of which I have and none of which seem in my stars for any forseeable future frame. When I attend services each week, it reinforces the fact that I am different, and although they do not imply or treat me as if I were deficient, I cannot help but be reminded of what I have failed to accomplish. As humans, we are impatient and petulant. When things don't go our way, we conclude that we must be on the wrong road, not realizing that nothing great is ever really won without some sort of sacrifice. It takes time and work and patience and practice to become exercised of Faith. It also means that you will be tested, taxed, teased, and tossed, because that's the message of scripture- that blessings come only after a trial period. This is why we have organized religion, so that when times grow difficult you don't have to face them alone; the trouble is that for men there's really no brotherhood of faith because faith and belief are much more the purview of the female. I think that's why it's not good for man to be alone, that men and women were created together and planned to be together, so that in what came to be known as a family a complete unit could exist. There are a few men who can manage it alone I guess, but time will tell if I'm one of them.

Far too many conclude that when their Faith doesn't reward their actions that it's time to find a new Faith. On the contrary, when you don't get what you expect is the first moment when you discover if you truly have any faith at all. Several close friends suggested that I "find a new Faith" or even start my own, but when I explain to them how I believe that the mean man changes the tenants of faith to match his behavior while the virtuous man changes his behavior to match the tenants, they drop the subject. Some are angry with the leaders of my Faith and some are angry with my Creator, but I know that even though even I sometimes unjustly ascribe blame to Him that He cannot or will not force these people to treat me better or orchestrate everything so it turns out peachy for me. What we obtain easily we esteem lightly, and rather than find a religion that validates my worth I realize that I am not the center of the universe. I know other people who shop around different faiths or different congregations of a faith; I also know that those kind of people exclude and dismiss people who are not part of their particular sect. I think this particular attitude bespeaks insecurity and a need to be validated by the opinions of other, fallen men. I am a man of Faith, and that does not become us.

In a Faith that prepares you for, teaches you about, revolves around, and depends on the family unit, it's isolating and disappointing to be alone. We are raised to prepare for, seek, and valiantly act as parts of families. For many people, Plan A never materializes, sometimes for reasons beyond their control. For most of the men, there really isn't a safety network of support; in part, I realize this is because men are usually at fault for being single or being divorced, but in part it's because men are taught to shoulder things alone, and most of the men who can't fade away. If they don't, sitting in communion with the rest draws sharp reflect on what we failed to achieve. It's a badge of shame for men in my Faith to be single, and even in the world at large some think we must be gay or bizarre if we don't even have a girlfriend or anything close to one. It's not that I do not desire a good woman; I haven't found a good woman with whom I am interested in moving forward who feels the same way. My ex wife left a hole in my trust and love and faith that's larger than the state of Texas, and so I am standoffish even with people I meet in church. After all, that's where I met her. My good high school buddy, Jeff, who is a Bishop of the Faith in Texas, told me that one day my experiences will probably serve to surprisingly sustain the floundering faith of another person. I know that when I find others in similar circumstances, I reach out to them. When I was still under 31, I befriended the only other member of my congregation who had been divorced, but I did not tell him why I did it; I didn't want him to feel like a charity case, but I knew what it was like to be alone and lonely. Now, I sit in a row with a bunch of men whose wives are dead, whose children are grown, and whose lives are lonely again for a different reason than mine. A few months back, I gathered them together, and now they notice when I am gone. Even my bishop thinks it's cute to see the mighty priesthood gathered, particularly since the next youngest person on the pew is old enough to be my father, but they really don't have anyone else, and neither do I. Everyone else has kids or someone special with whom to sit and socialize; we have each other.

It takes a special group of people to support and sustain you because men don't really coalesce. I know the world thinks that men band together as if we're all ravenous wolves ready to rip apart any opposition, but we're actually taught to keep it to ourselves, to act tough, to walk it off, and to blow off hurt as if it doesn't matter. Well, it does. Men are people too. Your congregational leaders, especially when they are men, need to be aware of and sensitive to the fact that many men are not where they wish they were. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that some men in my congregation realize that I'm there completely alone. The optometrist fellow has two children under age 5, so I cant' really expect it to dawn on him that I'm not with anyone when his attention is distracted and focused on them. More than the lay folk, leaders make a huge difference in whether or not people feel motivated to continue participating when they don't fit the mold. My particular new congregation of the Faith contains several leaders who reach out to you, keep in touch with you, and find a way for you to be involved if you desire. My current Bishop is meeting with me tonight "just to check up on me". He's not asking me to do anything or calling me to repentance, and although he doesn't speak to me during the meetings each week, I know it's because he has many other people to whom he must speak and that he finds it important to talk to me on my own, alone, and behind his closed door. At least a half dozen people talk to me regularly. Some of them are men; a few are women, and even some of the teenagers will talk to me outside our Sunday School class. I feel like people here know who I am, care how I'm doing, and wish they knew better how to include a man with no spouse or kids, since that's not the norm. It's not ubiquitous. My last congregation was almost 180 degrees out of phase with this one, and I think they breathed relief when I left. With the proper leadership, the proper fellowship, and the proper brotherhood, that 1% has a chance to stay when there is no other reason to stay besides truth.

Ultimately, you continue because you truly believe. You stick with a career because you feel good about what you do; you continue in a relationship because you think it will satisfy your needs for love and acceptance; you stay on a course because you feel it will lead you to the destination of choice. You make time and make effort and make waves because you value what you do or where it leads. I stay at church and in this Faith because I have a testimony. Without it, I would have left church going a long time ago if not entered into a life of debauchery. Both of my close friends quit church years ago because what they saw conflicted with what they were taught. Well, I'm a scientist, and I learned that we can't have all the facts or believe that everything we have as fact is actually true. When the trials come, that's often a sign that you're on the right road. Gamers all know that you can tell you're getting close to the boss/goal/end because the path suddenly grows harder, but in religion they conclude that if it's not roses, rainbows, and rejoicing that they must be wrong, that there must be God somewhere else if there is one at all. That's what the adversary of all righteousness hopes you will conclude. Wrote CS Lewis about the devil: "Our cause is never more in danger when a man, no longer desiring but still intending to do God's will, looks around at a universe from which all trace of Him seems to have vanished, asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys." In time of trial, when you are alone, when you are single, when all around you crumbles down, that is the time to obey and to stand on principles, to tilt at windmills, to refuse to Deny Christ even if you think He has denied you. He never will. Sometimes He remains silent longer than you like so that you can tell just how long you can hold out, just how much faith you actually possess, just how committed you are to Him before He intervenes in the Nick of Time to your rescue. He has always rescued me. If I didn't have a testimony of my Faith and of my Maker, I would have left my church a long time ago and probably have neither church nor religion at all of which to speak. I don't know why it pleases Him to keep me single, to keep me distant, to deny me friends and hope and love and family, or that I need to prove that I really mean it. He already knows my heart. He knows I'll do the best I can with what I have forever and for always no matter what the outcome. People tell me that they envy my faith. What they really mean is that they wish they had my faith without having to walk the path that leads to it. If you want to be in the 1% of faith, you must be prepared to face the trials that create that level of faith.