This past weekend up on the mountain, there was some dissent in the ranks. Our coordinator this year is new and expectantly differs widely from the leader of yesteryear, and some of the veterans are unhappy. I never knew that guy, and I know this gal basically started only 10 days before I did, so I'm trying to be patient because she's earnestly and honestly trying to do a good job in my opinion. When I got home, I sent her a message of support, and I plan to pull her out next weekend for a tete a tete, because I'm willing to stand by those who stand by me, and if she's going to honestly give her best, I'll give her mine. We aren't really very good sometimes at standing by those who help us, those who love us, those we help, or those we say we love. Although this topic extends to likely far more areas than this, a few major venues where loyalty belong spring to mind, and a few recent experiences impress me to remind you to be loyal to people you claim you love. Even if you lose their loyalty, you can at least claim you were true.
Perhaps most commonly, we see this reticence to stand by people at work, particularly when it's run by the GOBNet. While working at Walmart, I sometimes logged in as Charlotte in months when she was falling behind on quota and pretended to be her for a while until her numbers were up to speed. Since I managed 130% of quota every week even with that, I didn't see that it mattered who did it as long as it got done, and Charlotte always gave everything she had. Other coworkers did the bare minimum, and so I appreciated someone who was willing to do everything she could to get the job done over those who were capable but restrained themselves from extra exertion. Contrarily, coworkers continually attempt to undermine me. When I took the transfer back in December, I tried to negotiate for a raise, but the guys in HR decided that they would start following the letter of the law with me. So, although other people got raises and special privileges, I got an ultimatum: accept the job at your current pay rate or we'll offer it to someone else. Fine. I'm watching you now. This spring, with a new department chair, I taught the lightest load I ever have, and this fall it looks to be even lighter. I get the feeling that, despite my performance, rapport, and value, they are going out of their way to encourage me to go elsewhere. After teaching a variegated, challenging load for years, giving up my weekends once for microbiology, and for trading sections to do what they needed most, apparently they feel they can get along without me. I guess they prefer a more desperate dupe to use as a doormat. It's my loss, but it will hurt them and their students far more than it hurts me. All it costs me is money.
We do this in relationships. Last Friday, I ran into a former student at the grocer from last summer's course, and she brought me up to speed. Apparently her boyfriend had a kidney transplant, and to her great credit, she stood by him through it all and helped nurse him back to health. She's not the only one. A friend of mine tried introducing me to a coworker years ago who, when we finally met, decided to stick with the guy she was dating and eventually married him. Another student several years back was engaged to a long time family friend and, although she was by far and away better than he deserved, kept to her promise and married him. Also last summer, a student of mine embroiled in a legal issue at work considered the sensibilities and cost to her brother and found a way to move forward without intentionally or secretly hurting his vocational chances, which I found praiseworthy. I appreciate the loyalty, the fidelity, the commitment, because that's what we're supposed to do. Regardless of your religious persuasion, most marriage oaths include a fidelity and faithfulness ideal to which we strive, that once married we stick together no matter what happens. I respect these people, and I envy at least a little bit those who benefit from their choices because I'm not sure anyone who told me they loved me ever really meant it. I could be wrong, but their silence and absence tells a different story. I keep standing alone. I meet lots of nice people, and some of them seem to like me. Eventually, despite assurances to the contrary, they find a way to reject me. Last month, two young women I met in May parted ways with me. The first because we disagreed over a SCOTUS decision; the second when she discovered of what particular Faith I was a member. I'm cynical and bitter when it comes to women because they all found some other man by whom and for whom to stand but weren't there when I needed them like they promised, and it sucks.
Worst of all, we do this in our families. I barely managed to contain my rage at my paternal grandmother's funeral when I heard some of my cousins roasting her as she lay in her coffin. I know Grandma Ruth wasn't perfect, but I understood from my frequent visits that she earnestly and honestly thought she was doing the right thing. However, I also learned since then that my amazing family is the exception. In far too many families, we find relatives who physically, verbally, psychologically, and sexually abuse their own kin, which I fear invites God's wrath on those people. They tell you not to go into business with family, because you'll probably get bilked. I know when I joined a kennel with my former inlaws, they never paid me back a dime. Everything we earned went to them first since the kennel was on their land, and despite the work I put into it, I never saw a red cent in return by the time they frittered everything else away. I will never go into business with family again. I've been told not to room with a friend unless I want to lose one, and although I've offered my spare room to some cousins here, I'm glad they didn't take the offer because I wonder if we'd dislike each other now. My closest male cousin in age is an example of how this ought to work to me. Years ago, I know that I did things to take advantage of him, but when I apologized years ago, he told me not to worry about it; he'd already forgotten. When it comes to people we claim we love, we should doubt the bad and believe the good because when we do not defend them we in essence betray them. It's how I know my ex wife stopped loving me because she believed the bad regardless of source, and in essence she abandoned me. Even worse, I know a woman whose boyfriend kept her prisoner while they dated, and I know at least one woman whose parents essentially imprisoned her as well (we used to talk about her stepfather as the Warden). Since May, I have met five female students willing to volunteer that they lost their virginity due to rape, sometimes from a family member. They refuse my help and stay in Egypt. I guess they stay because they aren't brave enough to leave, and unfortunately sometimes they go stockholm and adopt the same attitude and are lost to us. I know sometimes things seem beyond their control, but nobody I loved has ever come back, and so what am I supposed to conclude but that they were only significant for that season?
By contrast, my faith, my reason, my sensibilities and my peers tell me to stand by those who stand by me and who stand for right. Jesus was sad for Peter because Peter denied even knowing Him. He doesn't want us to be strangers, anonymous and dehumanized. He doesn't want any of us to say of another, "Now you're just somebody that I used to know". I know things change and people change, but I refuse to accept that real love can be so tenuous a thing that it takes many months to make but mere moments to destroy. My faith teaches us to reach out to the prodigal, even if they hurt us, despise us, and to pray for our enemies even if they seek to destroy us. I don't cut people off, but I have been cut off so much that I no longer know who to trust, what to believe, and the worst thing is now that I doubt myself. Can I discern revelation? Can I really read people? Can my judgment really tell me if I'm standing by and with the right people? Each time I think I am, eventually I find myself standing alone.
Stand by your man. Each of you has coworkers (and some have subordinates), family members, romantic interests, neighbors, and friends. Mostly they are good people, people who came into your life for a purpose. Only in standing by them can we affect them as much as we'd like and receive of their effects the things that God would like us to learn. The greater the distance, whether geographically, emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually, the duller our spark will seem in their eyes and the less our lives can warm and brighten theirs. If you tell someone you love them, show them, stay with them, and for God's sake, pick them and stand up for them and keep in touch with them. I was rereading A Tale of Two Cities this weekend, and I feel a bit like Darnet, as if in all of my life I have never been loved by anyone, and I think I understand why he was willing to throw away his life. If nothing else, stand by The Man and the Son of Man, because if your life feels and seems dark and dim like mine does sometimes, at least you can feel comfort in their presence. They don't always give me answers, but they usually give me comfort and peace, and I get enough sleep that night to last one more day. Stand by your man, your brothers and fathers, your sons and neighbors, your lovers and spouses, and your God and His Son. Make what you say have meaning. Promise me that all you say is true. Love me, that's all I ask of you.
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