Over the last few years, I've felt fairly powerless to do and change things to a positive end in my life. Tonight, I felt more helpless than ever to help a friend while I watched him self medicate (with all legal means) after a series of unfortunate events. By the time I arrived, another recent "friend" was already there with him joining in the pity party by drinking and smoking with him to create a fog to block the pain and disappointment. I'm not sure what I did really helped, but I was there. In his dark times, I've been there. I just really felt helpless while I watched the pain washed over him until he succumbed to sleep and I drove home.
I think we all self medicate somehow. As I mentioned before, I turned to exercise and chocolate to cope with disappointment this year and in 2013. Others turn to narcotics. Some turn to intercourse. Most end up joining in the barroom antics of booze and blunts, smoking and drinking their woes away. I don't really know what to do. Every time something happens that disappoints our expectations, we all suffer from at least one symptom of PTSD. We revisit the event in our minds trying to change the outcome. When we can't, we try to change things some other way. We bury ourselves in other things in our lives, we bury our heads in the sand, and we busy ourselves in something else desperate to find meaning. Trouble is, as I wrote before, nothing really replaces it. Nothing can. We know this, so we find something to distract our brains and forget about it long enough to forget why we need to.
From the drinking to other distractions, I feel bad for people. Some of them medicate, study hard, and still get into Harvard, living lives that somehow lead to family, fortune and felicity. I feel bad for them anyway. Mostly I feel bad because people don't turn to Christ. I saw a post on the internet this morning attributed to a fictional character claiming that if you could reason with religious people there would be no religious people. Life without faith strikes me as an exercise in futility. If we're only here for a minute, then what does it matter? If we are just an insignificant byword in the opus of the universe, then it's hopeless, helpless, and pointless. If there isn't a power out there than can really uplift us, not just mask the pain for a few minutes, hours or days, then what can help? Are we really just desperate losers? What really can help?
I've been to funerals this year for my own kin, and I know that in the moment some of the trite cliches don't really matter much. Having faith and turning to a higher power is the only thing that gives me hope, helps me feel comfort, and keeps me going in the trough periods of life. I know it's early in this particular disappointment, and I know it will eventually get easier to handle. I also know that I still revisit some chapters of my life with frustration and disappointment. While jogging this morning, I remember telling myself that I did the best I could with what I had, but some days that's just not satisfying. Even when I feel God's approval and approbation, it frustrates me to think I've been in this house almost five years, in this city for eight, and home from my missionary service for 15, and aside from my age, I don't feel like much has advanced.
Someone once told me that the secret to success was showing up, another cliche I don't necessarily buy. However, if it really is true, then I've shown up. I stood at the graveside for my grandparents and watched relatives weep in pain. I wanted to have something to say, something to give, something to do that would help. I sat in a chair next to my friend tonight watching him piss himself into a drunken stupor. I wanted to say something useful, do something helpful, and know what to offer to help him. I had nothing. I still have nothing. I tried to call, and it went straight to voicemail. So, I asked God to help. He's pretty good about helping others, much more than about helping me. I really wanted to help him. I really want to help you. I think that's why I write this. I am hoping that you'll see you're not alone, that you'll see the wisdom in my choices, and that when I am otherwise you'll learn to be wiser than I. I try to be honest and personal and open. I try to be a good man. I remember that we all depend on Christ to be whole, to be healed, to be happy. I try not to preach. I tell you what I do and why and let you govern yourselves. I try. I really do try. I wish I were the kind of person whose life could show you that if you obey God will bless you. I'm just an ordinary man, and sometimes I am unable to help.
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