Prodigious Pageantry and Possessions

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When I went to the dentist last Thursday, I got more than the cleaning I expect from a hygienist I just barely met. She went on a long diatribe about how I need to remake my life if I want to attract "the right kind of people" into it. Many of her conclusions were just absolutely bizarre, and the justifications for those conclusions even moreso. I have decided to flatly reject her conclusions as a contumely, but I want you to know what lies are being spread in case you hear them too.

This woman cares first and foremost about the paycheck. I earn "enough" that she would give me a shot even though I earn less than she. Excuse me, but if the question of my wage comes up in the first three dates, you're out. This woman refuses to look at a guy who doesn’t earn the same and have the same certifications and requirements. Like so many other women I meet here, even those who have no means of their own, this woman had a minimum pay. Her reason for this was for comfort yes, but also for completely selfish reasons. She intends to work regardless, and so she wants to achieve a certain income minimum. She also wants a certain maximum income because, in her own experience, when people earn above a certain amount, the man tends to find another woman on the side. Wow. Really? Yes, I understand that people in similar or related fields tend to do better; educated people tend to be better together than a brainiac and a bumpkin (I dont' care what the Big Bang Theory tries to prattle about Penny). Well matched is easier, although any two people can make it work if they are committed to each other and to the Lord. That ignores your wage.

Along those same lines, she insisted that I ignore people outside of my field or age bracket. On an actuarial basis, this makes sense. At the same time it ignores Aristotle’s admonition to choose friends for the sake of shared virtue. It views marriage as a business, as a statistical merger of divisions of life. It assumes that common benefit or common interests matter more than common values, beliefs, and norms, which usually transcend age and wage because they are passed on to rising generations. She thinks I should only date other scientists or maybe health care professionals. This belies her ignorance. I find people in my field of expertise to be arrogant and irreverent, and I don't know about health care. We'll see.

Her foremost argument lay in changing the cover story I tell. I was dressed down when I arrived, but she said the look was good but not the brands I was wearing. Basically, if you want to be hit on, you need to wear the right clothes. By this she means right brands, right style, right color, etc. The fact that I wear a suit to lecture isn't good enough; it must be an Armani. The fact that I wear dark jeans and collared shirts to lab and work isn't enough; it must be an outfit that costs me $200. It’s all about the cover story- what’s on the inside only matters if the outside is attractive too.

Nobody seems to ever bother to ask what I seek in a woman. I get all sorts of advice, referrals, and the like about people they think would be perfect, not based on what I seek, but on what they think i should seek. Even this woman admitted trying to get her son to dress the same way she advised me in order to attract the right kind of girls. The right kind compared to what? Right for whom? I know I tend to attract women I don't want, but I also thought that it's what's on the inside that matters most. Why do we choose our chocolates based on what's inside but our mates based simply on their colorful candy shell? I understand that looks matter, but if your personality is two and your looks are a ten, you're a two.

I think this woman was crazy. On the one hand she berated me for doing things that attract 50 year old women. On the other she then suggested a line of clothing that SHE finds attractive (and she's 50). Paradox? She wanted me to adopt what SHE thinks professionals resemble. However, in my profession, we don't usually wear nice clothes because acids, solvents, and dyes destroy our clothing. There are other professional people who get dirty, stinky, and sweaty. Not every professional person goes to work in a suit and just talks. Some of us also have to work at work. Even when she told me where she goes to meet guys, it wouldn't help. My friend has been to the grocer and even to the hardware store with me in my zip code, and I don't live in a part of town where conventional wisdom applies. Unlike this woman, I don't find conferences and such very appealing. Despite my historical fascination with firearms, I have never been to a gun show. I don't even go to Star Trek or comic conventions, and most people consider me a dork. Furthermore, if she means "self help seminars" by conventions, it means she's looking for guys that she can manipulate, which means I should ignore her counsel lock, stock and barrel.

If what matters most is the car, the clothes or the currency, you’re not attracting women; you’re buying one. I know character doesn’t attract on first contact. It’s hard to see character from a quick glance, and even in behavior it’s not always clearly evident. However, there seem to be far too many superficial people who care more for the pageantry, possessions, and prose than the principles. As I have written before, I don't know anyone who chose their mate because he was a great guy (except my mother); most of them married to great men chose him for another reason and then got lucky that he was also great. Too many young women want to brag about their mates; you can see in on Facebutt where they post self portraits of themselves so we can all drool over how hot their mates are or how cute their kids look. That's superficial and shallow, and I refuse to swallow the premise.

It's not the town per se. It's that Las Vegas tends to attract people who are superficial and superfluous. It tells people to come put on airs, lie about everything, sell a cover story not supported by the content, and then it excuses them for the consequences of their debauchery and lasciviousness. The city may forget. THe people they harm? Well that's another question entirely. Las Vegas has more of these people than other places. If I moved to Columbus, OH, for example, I would probably rank among the most attractive men where here I come down more or less just barely above average.

So, I will go on being me. You get to choose the kind of person you want to be, and rather than spend my entire life lying to you and me and everyone inbetween about who I really am, if I am going to be damned anyway, I'll be me. God isn't fooled. Good people aren't fooled. When you stand at judgment, you won't be able to fool yourself anymore when all the acting and costumes and practiced lines melt away to reveal you for who you really are. I may not have much about which to brag, but at least I won't spend my life lying to myself and giving myself medals, promotions, and favors I haven't earned and to which I have no right. I have learned to be content with myself. I am the only person who must deal with me 24/7, and I like who I am. I thought about wearing a Hugo Boss suit next time to the hygienist to prove that wearing a better suit does not make you a better man. I think it would be wasted on her. If she hasn't realized it by 50, I don't think she ever will.

Update: Brian made an interesting comment. What this woman suggests is that I trap a woman into dating me by LYING TO HER about who I am. Semblance matters more than substance; the colorful candy shell matters more than the content. Then, when she complains that "I'm not the person she thought I was", it will be my fault. Well, she believed the advertising. In large part, this is I think why I stick to the beard, the Saturn, and everything else, because I decided while married to my ex wife that if I was going to be damned anyway, I would be damned for being who I really was. You may not like what you see, but you will get what you see. I know women who claim they like WYSIWYG, but most of them like to see what they want to get even if it's a lie. This woman, and many like her, are more interested in a lie as long as it looks good than they are in a smart match. Marriage is hard enough without starting with such low and shallow expectations. It's hard enough without starting it based on superficialities. Lest you think her advice a good idea, consider this scene from Harry Potter. As for women, I once came across a vomit flavored one in my youth too...