Funeral Program

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I've given some thought to my own death of late, probably more than I should, and I have a plan for my own Funeral Services. You will probably find it unconventional, but to those who know me, assuming anyone survives me, it will make perfect sense.

Fist off, I want to be late. For many years when people cut me off, I have told them they shouldn't be late to their own funeral. Most people made me wait, so although I want it to convene on time, I want my coffin rolled in 30 minutes into the service so that I can be fashionably late. Additionally, I want everyone to sit in silence for five minutes before anyone gets up to speak because I had to wait for them so many times.

In lieu of a service, I want a party. I want people to celebrate my death. I wasn't really born for this world anyway. In fact, I was raised to survive and excel in 18th century Vienna. So, rather than mourn, please have a party. I want there to be a pinata of me. Fill it with candy and with paper rolls of quotes I said from my book "Free Thinker" so people can remember the strange and wonderful things I said and believed and have something sweet. Make the pinata look like me so that anyone who doesn't like me can take one last swing at me before they bury me. Also, don't waste money on a fancy coffin. Instead, I want mine made out of pallet wood. Plane it, sand it, and then reassemble it into my coffin. I didn't care what people thought of how I looked in life. Provide crayons, markers and other things, and let people write on it instead. Let them vent if they like. It's my party, and I'll die if I want to.

Rather than speeches about my life or my work, I want people to talk about the things in which I believe. Potential topics include: Constitutional government, the natural wonders of the earth, science and science fiction, or Christmas. Yes, I like that last one most of all. I don't want this to be about me. I want it to be my last words to the world and those who come to pay respects. If you have kind things to say to me, tell me now. Don't wait until I'm dead.

For music, I would like my mix CD to play. Those songs tell you about me, my life, my beliefs, and my priorities. Ok, they're not really funeral songs, but I'm not there anyway, so I won't be alive to be offended. Secondly, I would like the meeting to begin with "Joy to the World". I know it's a Christmas hymn. So what? At the end, I would like them to sing "Rise Up, O Men of God". If someone likes, they can put together an acapela group and sing something from "The Music Man" because I loved that show or "Adelweiss" because I love Austria.

I don't want a member of the clergy to speak. If anyone wants to do something regarding my life as a Christian, you can display pictures of people I loved. You can post pictures from Austria, from my box labeled "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past", of my family having fun together, or from students. On the headstone, put my name followed by my mantra: "Rise and rise again until lambs become lions".

I want there to be lots of dessert. I want people to know that I felt that life should be sweet, should be enjoyed. I want them to have something delicious as a consequence of my life.

Oh, and if you change this because you don't like it, I'll haunt you until you die, because I can. That's not a threat; it's a promise.