It has been said that we will be judged out of the books that are written, and if so, I may end up becoming my own judge, jury, and executioner. Very few people record all of their thoughts, ideas, and actions, and even those who do rarely disseminate them for all the world to see. When that day comes, it will be easy to find examples of things for which to roast and condemn me because for over six years, I've provided you with a steady stream of insights into my psyche through this blog, and so it will be one of the books written. I know that most Christians assume that's the Book of Life or the books the angels keep of our comings and goings. In truth, it won't really be necessary. I know my place. I know my weaknesses. I know I need a Savior.
There is no shortage of information on this blog and on my twitter with which to indemnify me if you so choose. Last night in class one of my students said that it was refreshing to encounter someone open and honest all the time. I told her that I am no more opinionated than other people; I just share mine more freely. I know that I say and do plenty of things that I shouldn't say or do, not because they are not things I ought to say but because they can be used by other people to make my life miserable. I am not certain that my vocational pursuits have not been stonewalled by people I have openly and consistently challenged. I think they use what I do and say against me, but I won't stop. If I stop fighting for truth and right, who will still fight? Last semester, when one of my students had a Dragon Dictate to assist him taking notes because he was deaf, I saw a small portion of the awkward things I say that sound awful without the proper context and without knowing how I actually mean them.
That's where the crux of the matter comes in. Very few people record all of their thoughts, opinions, actions, and conversations, and even fewer do so both accurately and completely. When someone decides to quote me, I sometimes think, "Oh great! They'll report half of what I say without the other half to give it context." We cannot judge people JUST on the books that are written because the books don't always give us context. We don't know why people do or say what they do. Only God knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts, and only He knows what was going on in our lives when we said and did what we do. For this reason, only He sits in a position to judge righteous and accurate judgement.
I am an ordinary man with lofty ideals, goals, and aspirations. I dare do all that may become a man; who dares more is none. Sometimes I wonder if it was wise to share what I share, to admit what I admit, to say what I say, to do what I do, and to be what I am. However, I also know that some day you may all know anyway. At least this way, I told you about it myself. For better or worse, I am me, and if I'm going to be damned anyway, I will be damned for who I really am, what I really feel and think, what I actually say. You do not need to misquote me or take things out of context. Unlike most of those who are criticized, I supply you regularly with plenty of material with which to convict, condemn, criticize, condescend, and otherwise excoriate me for my weaknesses. Unlike most of those people, I don't earn a dime doing this. I do this because I hope maybe it will help you, to see someone try, to see what I do when I fall, and to watch me rise and rise again until lambs become lions. Maybe you won't feel lost like I do. Earlier this week, I received an anonymous comment from someone who asked not to be published. However, they pointed out that my "posts vibrate with honesty and introspection". I take that as high praise and encouragement to continue on, knowing that somehow this cracked pot waters by the way where others won't go and reaches people God can't reach any other way.
Moreover, I am in good company. The prophet Elijah prayed to God one day and said, "It is enough now, o Lord, take thou I pray thee my life, for I am not better than my fathers." He felt himself a failure. He was acutely aware of his own humanity. He is the prophet I am most interested to meet, because I empathize with him the most. Remember that you are human too. Remember not to condemn me for failure to perfectly live ideals you won't even attempt. And if you do attempt them, remember that everyone needs the Savior. That's the most important thing we can learn from all the books ever written.
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