One of the bad habits I have I'm working on is the use of codicil qualifiers in my speech. Much as I feel loath to admit it, I owe my last relationship a debt of gratitude for pointing it out. Of course, now it really bothers me when other people do it, to the point where I grind my teeth when I hear that word, "but".
First let me illustrate how this word works against both speaker and hearer.
We'll turn to neutral ground for the example. About a year ago when my car broke down outside Virginia City, this tow truck driver showed up obviously put out that the call was going to make him late for dinner. My car was in a place that admittedly made it difficult for him to get to me, and I really think he wanted to write me off as immoveable. So, when he arrived, he said something along these lines, "I'd like to get you out, but..." That qualifier carries all the weight of the sentence.
Using the codicil qualifier negates the phrase immediately preceding it. It means he has no intention or desire to help me. Now, there are people who use this word without it meaning that, but in far too many communiques I find this trend proves true. Notable exceptions might include things like when my mom says, "I love you Doug, but you need to be more responsible." When girls I try to date however use that phrase it usually doesn't. "You're a nice guy Doug, but..." Gah, it drives me bonkers.
In our speech, I suggest for the happiness of all that we unlearn this phraseology. It carries a connotation that sets people against one another. There are better ways to phrase things. Here's an example I worked on yesterday in my head:
Wrong:
You're a nice guy Doug, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
Better:
Recognizing that you have many good qualities Doug, you're not someone with whom I can see myself in a relationship.
Both may seem equally harsh. The second is honest and clear. The former is an insult in the garb of a compliment. Don't try not to hurt my feelings. Tell me what's on your mind. Like Han Solo told Luke in the Death Star, "I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." Pussyfooting around the subject doesn't help anyone. For my own part, I prefer to know where I stand.
First let me illustrate how this word works against both speaker and hearer.
We'll turn to neutral ground for the example. About a year ago when my car broke down outside Virginia City, this tow truck driver showed up obviously put out that the call was going to make him late for dinner. My car was in a place that admittedly made it difficult for him to get to me, and I really think he wanted to write me off as immoveable. So, when he arrived, he said something along these lines, "I'd like to get you out, but..." That qualifier carries all the weight of the sentence.
Using the codicil qualifier negates the phrase immediately preceding it. It means he has no intention or desire to help me. Now, there are people who use this word without it meaning that, but in far too many communiques I find this trend proves true. Notable exceptions might include things like when my mom says, "I love you Doug, but you need to be more responsible." When girls I try to date however use that phrase it usually doesn't. "You're a nice guy Doug, but..." Gah, it drives me bonkers.
In our speech, I suggest for the happiness of all that we unlearn this phraseology. It carries a connotation that sets people against one another. There are better ways to phrase things. Here's an example I worked on yesterday in my head:
Wrong:
You're a nice guy Doug, but I'm not looking for a relationship right now.
Better:
Recognizing that you have many good qualities Doug, you're not someone with whom I can see myself in a relationship.
Both may seem equally harsh. The second is honest and clear. The former is an insult in the garb of a compliment. Don't try not to hurt my feelings. Tell me what's on your mind. Like Han Solo told Luke in the Death Star, "I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around." Pussyfooting around the subject doesn't help anyone. For my own part, I prefer to know where I stand.
2 comments:
The problem I see with your example of a 'better' phraseology, is that very few people actually talk like that.
The 'wrong' example is exactly how people speak, with the unfortunate lie at the end. I agree that if a person doesn't want to date you anymore, them 'not looking for a relationship right now' is complete crap. You don't go on a date knowing you aren't open to the possibility. It should be told straightforward that you aren't the one they are looking for. I've found that people don't normally enjoy hurting another's feelings, and that tends to take precedence over telling the truth.
Well, this is exactly my point. People don't speak their mind anymore. I have no time, money or disposition to waste on people who have zero interest in me or what I say/offer. For my own part, I prefer to be turned down for a date than patronized by a pity party. You do me a disservice by allowing me to build things into what you say. Tell me what you think, and we both save time and energy.
I cannot tell you how many people come to me asking me what guys mean when they say X or Y. I have no idea. Ask them. We need to man up to what we think and be straightforward. No matter how unpleasant it may seem on the front end, I find it more distressing after the fact to discover I've wasted the days of my probation chasing what I thought possible but to wit other people never intended to allow as an eventuality.
Please don't lie to me. If you do, don't be surprised if I turn around and write you out of my life. It hurts me much less if you just tell me the truth.
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