The Dean came by my office yesterday just because he was making the rounds, but when I answered the door, I asked him what he wanted. I have become so accustomed to people only talking to me when they need something, that I treated him like all the others- just another person talking to me when he needed something. Our conversation evolved into something pleasant, and I enjoyed his visit, especially since he didn't come with an ulterior motive, even if the visit was brief. It's nice sometimes to have someone share some time with you without having an ulterior motive. Unfortunately, my experience is all too often quite the opposite.
How it started
Back in High School, I was shocked when cheerleaders acknowledged my existence and talked to me. It didn't take long to register that they were coming to me for help with their school work. I attended two different high schools in two different states, so I got used to being the new kid. Being a nerdy/dorky guy didn't help much either. No matter how I tried, I ended up with the outcasts until the outcasts decided to cast me out too. Eventually, I retreated into my shell and just did what I wanted. My junior year of high school, there were 27 young men about my age in high school from the same congregation. They always invited me to service projects and church things, but they never invited me when they were having fun. I showed up one day at one of their houses to find 25 of them having a fun activity without me (and the other kid Nathan who was ostracized). I just grew used to people not having any interest unless they needed something.
How I noticed
One Sunday at University the phone rang. I grew accustomed to the notion that if the phone rang on Sunday morning it was because they needed something at church. I usually went for walks down town and fed the homeless just to not be available to backstop their last minute emergencies. People did NOT call to invite me to fun things or just to talk. When I asked "What can I do for you?" my father said, "I'm your dad. I'm just calling to see how you are." I became so engrained to expect a particular ulterior motive that I responded automatically no matter who spoke.
How it's going
For the past year or so, people I know have insisted that I "just need to put myself out there more" or "trust in people and let them in". Over the past three months, I've started a dialogue now with at least five young ladies who ostensibly were interested in me romantically. I was standoffish at first, but then I decided to give them a chance and got my hopes up only to discover that they were also only talking to me for ulterior motives. One of them was a "working girl" who was willing to hang out with me only if I sent her money up front. One of them wanted to get me involved in a pyramid scheme. One of them was just talking to me for attention because she was lonely and bored.
I feel like I'm just one of Pavlov's Dougs. I have become conditioned so much to expect people to only contact me when they need something that I don't know that I enjoy the company of other people. Most people only extend themselves when they need something from me. When I am finally released from the bishopric of my congregation, I won't be floating around checking on people because they don't bother to check in on and with me. I invite others. They don't invite me. I visit others. They don't visit me. I do things for others. They don't even offer to do things for me. I don't live my life entirely on a quid pro quo basis, but it would be nice to be visited, included and appreciated. Most people only talk to me only when there is work to be done and not when there is something to enjoy. I'm conditioned, and I hate it. How about you?
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