My students tell me interesting and illuminating things. Sometimes I am glad to know, and sometimes I wish they wouldn't. In the midst of some praise after class, one of them told me that I had a scathing review from last semester that didn't make sense to her, because it sounded like some completely different professor, but no, it is for me, because nobody else here has my name. Mostly, I try to be the very best I can all the time. However, I am also mortal, and no matter how much I find it odd that we let students, who never have been professors, critique our work, it was a poor job, a poor showing. The criticisms usually describe differences in learning styles, personalities, and preferences, and in this case, this review essentially reflects the same thing- I didn't teach the way they preferred, I definitely deserve criticism. I taught the class for the wrong reason, and because I wasn't really excited about it, it showed in the quality and veracity of my work in the classroom, and I knew it. I was constantly aware, albeit subconsciously that something was wrong, but nobody seemed willing to tell me then or to my face; they're all too passive-aggressive for that.
I took that class last term for the worst reason possible- for the money. When I started teaching six years ago, I told myself that it was because it was something I desired to do. Most people do it because they must, because it's their job, because they don't know what else to do for a living, and I frequently appeared to most students to be actively engaged. Each time I took this class, microbiology, I did so with my own reservations. It's not really my strong suit, and although I turned down invitations to teach anatomy, I should have turned down this course too. My first time, I taught it on Saturday, to show I was a team player, to score points, and to hopefully secure myself a permanent post, but that failed. The second time, I took it because I was available, and because the bar was very low since the professor abandoned his load mid term to take a job elsewhere. By the fourth time, I was in a groove, doing it out of habit and for the money, and not because I truly wanted to, but this semester I decided to stop teaching classes I don't really enjoy. It will be better for everyone.
Whoever wrote it, I deserved the criticism. Although I don't agree with it carte blanc, the student was correct that it wasn't easy or probably worth while. What disturbs me was the manner of how the criticism came. I know that it came BEFORE the term ended, meaning that whoever this was sat there and smiled, having already roasted me on the internet. They said different things to my face than they said to the internet. I know that it's anonymous, which means that it was done because this student figured they would never actually have to man up and substantiate their claims. Most of the GOBNet who helped me get established is moved on, and so this mark will remain on my permanent internet record, unchallengeable, forever a critique of my merit while others gain favors due to connections. It didn't help anyone, because it came to my attention too late to be of any use. I can no longer reform my teaching and improve what they get, and they cannot benefit from it. So, you vented, but since it cannot any longer lead to any effort on my part to repair the breach, it essentially amounts to a libelous estimation. At best, someone else will teach the course, and maybe that person will do a better job, but none of these students will benefit, and I will bear the shame in perpetuity, hanging for a moment. I am human, and I make mistakes. Like you, I have good days and bad, good semesters and bad, but I cannot overwrite a bad course with a good one as they can because my work isn't represented by transcripts but by whether or not they hire me back, which they may not. If they have someone better, they should hire that person; what this person stole from me is the opportunity to BE better and affect their life directly.
Without the right motivation, my heart just wasn't in it, and I did a half-baked job. I love chemistry, and I love introductory classes. Sure, the first time I teach anything, there are complications and mistakes, but when I really enjoy what I'm doing, they can tell, and I think they learn better and more than if we're both just going through the motions as it were. There for the money, there to fill a slot rather than just doing my regular job, I didn't give 100% every night, and maybe I never gave 100%. I have a reputation, and I'm usually cool, but I don't like the book, the material, or the microbiology course here, so I know better than to get involved. It's why I steered clear of organic chemistry- I didn't want to do all that extra work for the same pay, and I'm not excited about it, and so I didn't do it. When you really care, you find a way, and when you don't, you find an excuse. I got paid, they got grades, and everyone "won" so to speak, but they were cheated out of the best things I have and the best ways I teach because it wasn't where I really belong. I took this class because someone else, someone inferior in my opinion, got the chemistry classes I desired, because of connections, and I wanted "my piece of the action" and took this as a consolation course. They could probably tell. Then again, so could I.
There is good news. I no longer intend to teach that class. I also no longer intend to teach classes just for the money. I've already been asked to teach a summer course, and I'm going to turn down the offer. I also recognize that I earned that review more than this student earned whatever grade they received. I am back teaching courses (mostly) this term where I already know I do a better job- to where I belong. The exception is a course I have never taught, and I think I'll do just fine the second time since I'm just a bit rusty explaining chemistry to non-majors. I forget what people don't already know sometimes. I learned I was correct to not teach pathophysiology, physics, or anatomy and physiology, not because I couldn't but because I'm not really interested in those (or I would know more about them) and because I shouldn't as long as someone who actually desires to teach those courses out of passion can be found to teach them. I don't want to rob them. I like my job, and I know that sometimes in our job we do things we don't really enjoy and for which we're not truly qualified, but having the option, I will not teach classes I don't really want to, regardless of the promised price. The price the students pay is far more than money, and sometimes the money I receive doesn't truly remunerate me for what their libel costs me.
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