If you come here frequently, you probably noticed that I seemed to stop writing for about a month. The articles I started during that period but never finished will appear soon, because I actually ended up having pneumonia for the last several weeks but didn't know it. I've been exhausted, congested, shivering from cold when it's nice in the house, itchy all over, feverish, vomited, and sore all over all the time. It was bad enough that I spent all day last Saturday at home and barely make it home each day to collapse in my bed at night. At least I sleep well, but I think it's because I pass out from exhaustion. Sometimes we don't take things seriously enough, and so I'm slugging through each day barely making it because my body just can't keep fighting while I do everything else. However, they do matter, either because in quantity they add up to something weighty or because they are weighty in their own right. Finally, some small things we take for granted, but when we lose them it creates other and sometimes bigger problems.
Simple habits can keep dangerous risks small. I've never had pneumonia before, but I'm not really surprised I got it. You see, I spend a lot more time than most people in places where I'm likely to catch disease. When I'm minding my own business, I'm out walking every morning and evening, regardless of weather, and I'm more likely to catch something during those times because my body is weak against exposure. I also spend a lot more time than most people talking to, standing near, and working with the indigent. When we go feed them, since I didn't actually prepare any food, I usually end up going down the line either handing out socks or talking to them about religious topics, meaning I get a lot more face time than those who serve the food. They're no better about covering their mouths than children, and so I bet money I caught it from some homeless dude. No good deed goes unpunished, right?
It's always the little things that matter. The bacteria that cause pneumonia are 1 millionth of a meter in length, so small that even if you could see them your brain would ignore them, and yet they brought me low to my bed for weeks. Seemingly unimportant decisions, innocent deviations, and any time we are off by a few degrees, things end up far from where we hoped. Yet, I know that I honestly do my best, and if I had to be perfect for it to work, then there was no point trying. Today, it is just the little things, but when you put enough little things together, their total sum is enough to bring down something far mightier. What began with maybe 100 bacilli blossomed into a million within days and probably ended up killing millions of my own cells before it ends. A few torn fibers, a few innocent flirts, a few items purloined perniciously, and pretty soon we're paying for our choices in ways we don't realize because we don't realize how many things added up to earn us our plight. For this reason, I try not to deviate from my rules. I keep them because they keep me. Lots of small bacteria combined made a huge impact on my life, and small habits could have prevented their entrance methinks if I'd taken them more seriously.
Ever since teaching in grad school, I've distrusted doctors, so I only went to see one because I had another reason that was less urgent. Sometimes we belittle things that we ought not. It seems a little thing to admit you need help, to get a regular checkup, and although I'm not going to probably change all that much, I am now on a regimen to get better, especially since I lost my voice several days ago, right about when I went to the doctor. So, I slug on, point at things, sigh a lot, and probably make people think I'm a jerk when I don't answer, but I really can't. We rely so much on speech, on affectation, and I can only communicate so well with typed words. You really only appreciate what you have when it's taken from you. I became so used to my habits, my routine, and the use of my limbs and faculties that it was tough some days to just lie there and do nothing, realizing that the work of the day was to get well, get rest, and get repaired. If I had insisted on hiking or running or leaving my house, at the very least I prolong my own suffering and possibly risk introducing it to others.
At the end of the day, it's always the little things. People remember the little things. When people ignore the little things, they often blow out of proportion. What seems little to you adds up to a big deal. Small lies evince lack of integrity eventually. Small fines deplete your account eventually. Small gestures endear you to others eventually. Simple habits create great change, for good or ill. For now, I feel small. I know that I am dumb for I cannot speak. It's amazing how much small and simple things change your world.
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