Now that I'm an adult, I find that most things don't really change all that much. Every day has its share of routine, and every year has its share of duty. Every effort bears the fruit it should, and every dream dies in the din of reality. I ask frequently what's missing, what I'm doing wrong, and what I should be doing, and in response I keep feeling that I should keep doing what I'm doing. Other people have other advice, but years ago I trusted inspiration and saw it bear better fruit than I ever imagined, so I go out every day and keep moving forward.
When I was a kid, I really loved the movie Goonies. It was fun, it was clean, it was an adventure, and it was the first real attempt at diversity that actually managed it without seeming contrived. More than that, the characters in that movie were my age, and they were like the people I knew and with whom I was friends. Those kids were the kids I knew in real life, and they had an amazing adventure. At the end, as the treasure of One Eyed Willie sailed away into the horizon, they found the real treasure was their friendship, and they were able to keep those things and have more adventures.
That's what I miss. I miss being able to get together with people I know and like with regularity for adventures. We're all busy now. I have work, and lots of it. They have their families and their significant others to keep them busy. We live in different parts of town doing different things for a living. We're not kids anymore. I was in a hurry to grow up. Now, I feel like I've lost my childhood, and last night, another Fatherhood.gov ad featuring Tom Selleck reminded us that being a good day is about learning to be a kid again. Thanks. It's right though; particularly with Father's Day today, it's true that families with fantastic fathers fare far better. Even if you have one who tries, it's the right thing, and far too many families have absentee fathers but I digress.
Although I've been married before, I only really had one good chance to be a dad, and that marriage was not it. While visiting my brother, I spoke with him about it, about how I knew someone once with whom I could actually envision myself having a family. She's been missing for a long time now, and it sucks. I really do think being an adult would be more fun with children. Children make Christmas magical. Children make it worth paying all that money in property taxes to schools. Children give us reasons to take pictures, to be grateful for a good night's rest, to go revisit things we already know as we share it with them. I know some of my friends don't understand this. Life, at least for me, is about the family I leave behind. Now that I've lost the only person with whom I desired to have a family, life feels hollow. There is definitely something missing.
So, I bring it up here and in prayer all the time, because that's what life means to me. I don't pretend to understand why God keeps this from me. I know that if it were as important to Him as it is to me for me to be a dad, I would be one. Yesterday, when I was on the mountain, the people who made me smile most were the parents there with their kids. How I wish I were among their number. I know that would mean I'd have to walk slower or carry them or their things, but I would love to be the father walking with a daughter who used her disney princess umbrella to shade herself everywhere she went.
Other than that, my life is amazing. I know I shouldn't be ungracious or ungrateful or impatient or impertinent. How many people can say they would only change one thing about their life? I'm not desperate for it or willing to settle, not when I once knew a woman who was practically perfect and was beautiful on the outside too. Since others bastardized other songs, let me go back to this crooner classic to show how I feel about what and who's missing.
If you only ask, I'll come get you in a heartbeat. Ask any time.
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