Birthday Presence

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My birthday this year was the most difficult birthday of my life. It wasn't particularly arduous, burdensome, or dreary. It was just...quiet...too quiet...missing the things that most people have on their birthdays. Other years were difficult for other reasons, but the thing about this one is that I spent the day almost entirely alone and in complete silence. Aside from the radio, my own thoughts, and constant prayer to God as company, there was no noise except the hustle and bustle of duty and a reminder that I've been an adult for many years now. I never thought in my 30s I'd still be living alone.

Since it fell on a Friday, the day dawned quiet and empty. I rode my bicycle as normal and saw few people once I passed the school a half mile from my house. I dressed and went to work, going about my business as usual with vim and vigor, since Fridays during the semester are my busiest days. Most classes occur on other days, so I can get in and around without students in rooms where I need to work, but the dearth of students also creates an eerie silence that resounds in the hallways and classrooms. I finished my work, spoke to nobody for any significant interval of time, played racquetball by myself, and packed up for Monday.

I took my cousin out to dinner that night so I wouldn't be dining alone. I didn't tell him why until it was over, but I had a coupon for a free meal, and I wanted some company. He was happy to join me, and when it was over we parted ways.

I arrived home to an unexpected email from someone dear to me, someone from whom I had not heard for months and who has not spoken to me since. She told me she hoped I had a wonderful birthday, and then I went to bed early, in the still of the evening alone with my thoughts and a wonder as to what prompted this inexplicable communique.

On other days, there was birthday dinner at my parents, and at other times I received a few presents. What I think I really desire for my birthday is presence. The only person whose presence I enjoyed was because I invited my cousin out. I could have gone to my parents that night for dinner, but I already planned to visit them that Sunday for dinner instead. I didn't have any friends plan anything for me or buy anything for me, and the one person from whom I desired to hear most sent me an email that I didn't know was coming until I got home from dinner. I responded to it the next day, but that didn't go anywhere, and I miss her presence in my life.

Someone said that presents are not really gifts but excuses for not giving real gifts- the gift of self. What I really ask is your time and attention. We each have a limited amount of time on this planet, and when you choose to spend some of that with me, it helps me feel valuable. I know that people make time for people and things that matter, and so when people make time and bless me with their presence, it fills my days even when they are already "full". Besides, it's hard to share your life with people who are not there; you must be present to win. I don't know where these people are or what they were doing that night, but it would have been nice to be with people for my birthday this year, with one person in particular whose presence once filled my life like nothing else ever did. Wherever you are, I hope that people and things of value to you are present, that people you love are in your presence, and that you love what they present to you of their time and talents. What matters most in our lives is the people that we love. Wherever you are, I love you, always, absolutely. Godspeed.