My father originally worked as a professional photographer when I was born. However, since it was more of a commission arrangement than a salaried career, he soon found it necessary to change his vocation and joined the USAF. Fortunately for all of us, we were the exception to the rule and maintained a stable and strong nuclear family structure to this day. Most of the other military families I know didn’t have real or stable family relationships, and it shows in how their children turned out. The joke is that army wives are usually not faithful, and in truth I think that military marriages all too often end in divorce. If not for my parents making a real home for us, I’m pretty sure that being a military brat might have ruined my life. For this reason, I remain a staunch proponent of the traditional family structure, having seen it give me the best chance possible to become something better than I would be by default.
Until I came of age, I thought the nuclear family was common. I was blessed to have parents who committed to each other and stayed together even though my father joined the military. Our lives were and continue to be about family. We always joke about “the cabin” because my parents planned it for reunions but haven’t started construction on it yet. However, we do still get together as frequently as money and distance allow, like we did when we were young. As soon as the military started to transfer us, we became the only people we knew wherever we went, and that helped us pull together. Fortunately for us, my father’s deployments were brief even when they were frequent, and he was able to come home most of the time and be a dad. I have already written about how my desire to be a dad comes because my father inspired me to want to share with my children what he shared with us.
From the time my father was young, a strong core family mattered to my grandparents. Every two or three years, we had a family reunion. Even today, my grandmother writes letters and tries to teach us grandchildren. This became a source of strength for our family. When we moved to places far from family, we had each other. Making friends was hard because everyone knew we were only going to be around for a few years, and to this day I have exactly zero close friends from my boyhood days. I talk to a few folks I know from high school, but since I haven’t seen any of them for a decade, our lives have grown apart, and we are no longer close friends like we once were. I do still have my family, and we do things together whenever possible. Once a close acquaintance chastised me for turning down an invitation from the woman I was dating at the time to keep a prior commitment to my sister. Well, I know now that I made the right choice because my sister and I go to “sibling bonding” activities to this day while I haven’t heard from that woman for more than four years. In truth, that was also the reason why I never bothered to date in earnest until I went to college. I knew that I wasn’t going to be with any of these people for any length of time because we would be moving in a few years, so I saw no point. Only when the duration of my stay was up to me did I ever consider seriously dating.
Many people suggest that I skip to the chase and adopt or go to foster care and have children since women don’t seem to want to start a family with me. One of my students a few years back worked for child services and told me that if I came in she would make sure I got a foster kid because I was better than the applicants. Years ago, I had a coworker who had eight foster kids just for the money the state paid him. I am not sure that I would have the time to dedicate to raising a child on my own. Thursday night after lab, one of my students told me how much it meant to her that she could trade off and get a break sometimes and leave the kids with her husband while she goes to class. I decided thus far to not adopt because if the children can find a normal family with both parents, that could be better. It was for me.
Today I work to fill my days. I sometimes tell students that if I had a family I’d be home with them rather than in classes that last far into the night. As it is now, I come home exhausted and disinclined to do things that are urgent and important, but with the right motivation I know that I can find strength and time to care for those I love. I sometimes turn people away because I’m not that desperate. The culture of our day encourages us to select our mates from the most prodigious of possibilities rather than partners with whom happy and healthy marriages are possible. Proponents of “alternative families” point to the failed outcome of poor matches while they ignore all of the ones that are strong. I know that even in my lineage this kind of family is rare, but the legacy of my late Grandpa John is that it’s not only possible, it’s likely if the parents are dedicated first to their union and family before other competingg interests. You cannot serve two masters well. If you want a good family, you must feed it.
Many families fail, whether military or not, because the partners are absent. Far too many people I know, including students, are in marriages that are nothing more than roommates who are physically intimate and reproduced. Just as having sex doesn’t make you an adult, having a child doesn’t make you a parent. It just makes you a DNA donor. I can happily say to any who read this that I have no bastard children. The nuclear traditional family may not always work, but it offers the best chances possible for healthy children and familial relationships. This is why I advocate chastity and fidelity. If my parents can make it work despite deployments, disappointments, moving, war, financial duress, distance from home, and the stress of military demands, then it can be done by any two people who are truly committed to God and to each other. You must be present to win.
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