I'm a Thoughtful Guy

Share

I showed up Saturday at my hiking buddy's house and handed two spray bottles to his housekeeper. She started to laugh and cry at the same time. You see, the week before, there was discussion that they needed some more, and I told them I would bring some this week when I came. When I asked what was the matter, she told me that it was because I had listened AND acted on a need, which is very rare for people in general, let alone males. She said I was a mythical creature- a guy who actually listens and who follows through on his representations. I have been this way for a long while.

For a long time now, I have spoken about things that matter most. Some of my students remember (and remind me when I don't have exams when I promised) that I say "people make time for things and people that are important to them". If you matter, even if the thing seems silly, I will remember and act on it. Perhaps I won't act when you expect or hope, but I do follow through and keep my word.

At Christmas one year, I gave a woman about whom I really cared a series of gifts that might seem strange to you. They mattered to her, and my friend's housekeeper said they mattered a great deal, because they were things she mentioned she needed or would like that I procured unbeknownst to her. She was looking forward to a Linkin Park CD, which I bought her. She told me that she really liked Phil Collins, so I made her a CD of his music. She told me that she needed new mechanical pencils, so guess what, she got those too. I bought her a book The Five Rings that she mentioned that she wanted and all of Douglas Adam's books because she said she'd always wanted to read them. I tracked down a copy of the Book of Mormon with the angel Moroni on the cover because she was looking for it. None of the gifts were expensive, but they were all thoughtful because they showed that I listened to her and acted on the things she told me.

It goes beyond just piddly things of small financial value. Also that year (I gave her a different gift every day for 12 days), as the final gift, I gave her a tape measure on which, at her height, I had embossed the phrase "Practically Perfect in Every Way". For Valentine's Day that year, I started in January learning how to fold origami flowers and gave her an origami flower bouquet. It was thoughtful, meaningful, and from the heart.

Some people protest this kind of gifting. They told me back then that I wouldn't get any kudos for paper flowers because it wasn't normal or expected or valued. On the contrary, I knew that a woman who didn't get why I did that wouldn't get me and certainly wouldn't be able to keep me. Anyone can go out and buy stuff, but it takes a real effort to procure something thoughtful. Each of the last three Christmases, I have brought my mother to tears with my thoughtful gifts. The first year, it was a collection of books she used to read to us as children in England; the next year, it was a special nativity set; this last year, it was the note I wrote. My father likewise complimented me on my thoughtfulness because he doesn't "need" anything. One year, I got him a set of pipes that you can connect together in different lengths for leverage; then I bought him a set of tools my mother said were too rich for the budget; last year I got him a set of pipe clamps that are the best he's ever owned per him; this year, I bought him snowshoes for the cabin. Thought went into these gifts the same as it does for the things I say I will do. You may have to wait until Christmas, but they do come.

Valentine's Day quisquilia has already appeared on store shelves. I hate, nay detest, this holiday because so many people insist that you must do something special this day even if there's no thought put into it whatsoever. I feel as if every thoughtful thing I do the rest of the year is ablated by failure to follow the kitten caboodle and fall in line with the standard and expected gifts. Far too many women show up in the office and attempt one-upmanship on coworkers to show whose spouse loves them more because of how much money they spent. My point is that I could buy an island for a woman and still not give a flying pinwheel for her. Things are not gifts; they are excuses for not giving a gift of self.

One of my associates who is a psychiatrist by profession told me that this attitude renders me rare. She thinks I belong in a different time, when romance and chivalry really meant something and were appreciated. Most people think mostly about themselves, and while I do that as well, I genuinely try to think of thoughtful things to do. Last night, I was the person who took my friend out for his birthday, and I was one of the first to congratulate him on his birth even though we are not blood. Most of the people who spoke to him did so just barely before the clock struck midnight in their time zone or sent a text. I took him out and spent time with him.

When you really care, you put thought into things. My parents tried to impress this on us by encouraging us to participate in angel tree giving and in making gifts rather than just buying things. Although I do buy things, I buy things that impress people with the thought I was able to invest in the selection of a gift rather than waiting until the last minute and doing "any old thing". If I do something for you or give you something, I mean something by it. I don't say things I don't mean or do things I don't really choose to do. Jack Rose taught me at Youth Conference in 1994 to never let anyone force me to do something good against my will. If you matter to me, I invest my time, my life, my thought, and my substance in doing things however small to show you that I care. After all, people keep telling me that it's the small things, and the reactions of people when I deliver on my representations showed in their nonverbal cues that it did make a difference. I remembered what they said because they mattered to me, and I delivered because I wanted to show them that I thought about them and about what they said.

I take pictures and write a journal to remember things and people that were important to me. Although many more chapters of my life than I would like closed without the harvest I hoped would come, for my part the times were real. If you have moved on, know that I think of you, more often perhaps than is wise or than I would like, because you mattered to me. When we truly think about people well, we show who really matters and what truly matters to us. I tried to enrich your life by sharing mine with you, and mine has been made more full because you were in it. You are still in my thoughts and prayers, even those of you who wronged me openly and unabashedly, because I am a thoughtful guy whose thoughts often return to his Savior and his hopes for a better world.